In this monthly column, we’re covering topics important to parents tackling everyday mental health issues with their children, giving them practical tools to help them grow into resilient, confident and kind kids. And below, Kate Jennings, LPC-S, DFWChild Mom Approved counselor at The Bug and Bee in Fort Worth, gives us her informed advice on how parents can respond to the dreaded “that’s not fair.” Rather than quickly shutting down their complaint, here’s how to talk your kids through it to help them develop empathy and a sense of justice.
There are three words echoing through my house these days, and unfortunately, they aren’t “I love you” or “Let’s get Chipotle.” Apparently, I would make the world’s worst referee because my kids say, “That’s not fair!” at least 478 times a day.
Younger kids (5 and under) are concrete learners, meaning they learn by seeing, touching and feeling things. To these kids, “fair” means getting an equal share, like each person getting the same number of Jolly Ranchers. As children develop and mature, they’re better able to understand “fair” is more about need, not just equal parts.
Fair Means Everybody Gets What They Need
My go-to response is, “Fair doesn’t mean equal. Fair means everybody gets what they need,” and here’s why:
Imagine you are 6 years old. You and a friend are playing outside when you fall and scrape your knee. You both come inside, and you say, “Mommy, I fell and scraped my knee. Can I have a Band-Aid?” I say, “Sure, here’s a Band-aid for your knee,” and off you go back outside to play.
A few minutes later, your friend falls and scrapes her elbow. Again, you both come inside, and you say, “Mommy, Kora fell and scraped her elbow. Can she have a Band-Aid?” I say, “Sure, here’s a Band-Aid for your knee, Kora.” Wait, what? She scraped her elbow, not her knee.
If “fair” meant “equal,” you would both get a Band-Aid for the same thing: your knees. Instead, “fair” means “everybody gets what they need.” You get a Band-Aid for your knee, and Kora gets a Band-Aid for her elbow.
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How Not to Respond to “That’s Not Fair”
Lately at our house, “That’s not fair!” usually means someone is getting a sweet treat that the other one isn’t getting for one reason or another. Here’s what we try not to do.
- Don’t dismiss your child’s feelings: “Oh, you’re fine, you don’t need anymore candy.”
- Don’t try to teach life lessons in this moment: “Yeah, well, life’s not fair, kid.”
- Don’t compare your child to another child: “Well, he was being much nicer than you were, so that’s why he gets candy.”
- Don’t solve it for them: “Fine, you’re right, keep your britches on, here’s a Jolly Rancher for you, too.”
- Don’t get angry or defensive: “You always say things aren’t fair! You know what’s not fair? That I spend my hard-earned money on candy. That’s what’s not fair!”
How to Respond Instead
- Reflect what you see happening: “I see your face squished up and your eyebrows glaring. What’s up?”
- Summarize what your child shares with you: “OK, so you’re upset that he got a Jolly Rancher, and you didn’t. Is that right?”
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings: “Gosh, that’s hard.”
- Help your child identify what feels unfair: “Tell me more about what feels unfair to you.”
- Set your child up to find a solution: “Hmm, it doesn’t feel fair to you. Do you have any ideas on how to help?”
- Reframe the situation and encourage empathy: “Sure, he’s getting something you’re not. Remember when you got Yogurtland after school today, but he didn’t? I wonder how he’d feel if he knew about that sweet treat.”
The Sandwich Method: Yes, No, Yes
The other place I hear this happening a lot is at birthday parties. “It’s not fair” that Wyatt got a cupcake, a party favor, to go to Altitude, etc. In cases where one child gets to go somewhere or do something the other child doesn’t, I may respond by sandwiching a “no” between two “yes”es, like this:
Yes: “It doesn’t feel fair to you that Wyatt got to go play at Altitude and had a treat. That’s hard.”
No: “I wish we could all be invited to do everything, but sometimes just one of you may be invited somewhere. It was Huxton’s birthday party, and you weren’t invited. So, no, we can’t go get you a cupcake from the store, but …”
Yes: “How do you think we should spend the rest of our day now?”
Prompting your children to use their thinking skills in situations like these will help them develop a sense of justice. They’ll be better able to analyze situations, consider multiple factors, and think through everyone’s needs. You are modeling communication, and you are opening the door for them to be able to express their feelings in safe place.
For more parenting tips and tricks from Kate, you can follow her Instagram @thebugandbee. To schedule your children with a therapist at The Bug and Bee, visit thebugandbee.com or email info@thebugandbee.com.
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Top image: iStock
