In this monthly column, we’re covering topics important to parents tackling everyday mental health issues with their children, giving them practical tools to help them grow into resilient, confident and kind kids. Kate Jennings, LPC-S, DFWChild Mom Approved counselor at The Bug and Bee in Fort Worth, gives us her informed advice on why not making your child give hugs, even to family members whom you trust, will teach your kids to set body boundaries and protect themselves in the long run.
“Okay, we’re leaving! June, give Uncle Mark a hug bye.” As parents, we have all said this or something similar to our children hundreds of times. We may even add a good guilt trip, “Aw, come on, he’s going to be sad if you don’t give him a hug!” We push our kids past their comfort levels, and why? Because we think giving a hug goodbye is the “right” thing to do? The “nice” thing to do?
Maybe so, but what we are unintentionally teaching our children in a situation like this is, “It doesn’t matter how you’re feeling right now, you need to touch Uncle Mark and let Uncle Mark touch you, or you will make him feel sad. You do not get to make decisions about your body and personal space, I do.”
Let’s take that a step further. Imagine that same child in her teen years at the movie theater. A friend says, “Aw, come on, June, I’m going to be sad if you don’t give me a kiss.” June feels conflicted. She doesn’t really want to kiss her friend, but she has been taught that it is the nice thing to do, and she doesn’t want to hurt her friend’s feelings. She doesn’t want to feel guilty because she has made her friend feel sad. So, she kisses her friend, despite feeling awkward and uncomfortable. After all, she’s learned she doesn’t have a choice in situations like this.
Body autonomy is the right to be in control of our own bodies. Young or old, we get to have choices when it comes to what happens to our bodies. Prompting children to “give Uncle Mark a hug” teaches the opposite. This teaches children that someone else (in this case, Mom or Dad) is in control. To help children develop a healthy sense of appropriate touch and control, you can offer choices instead:
Parent: “Do you want to give Uncle Mark a hug goodbye?”
Child: “No!”
Parent: “Okay, no problem. What about a high-five or a fist bump?”
Offering choices helps children feel in control. It also helps children learn they get to decide who they touch, who touches them, and how. Convincing a “generation of a certain age,” adds a twist to all of this, though. I don’t know about you, but I know two grandparents (ahem, sorry for the call out, CC & PopPop!) who may have their feelings hurt if my children said they didn’t want to hug them. Education is key. I help June’s grandparents understand the why behind my words like this:
Parent: “Hey, Dad. We’re helping June learn that she’s in control of her body. To help her learn that, we’re giving her choices and control over things like hugs and kisses. It’s not anything against you. It’s about her learning to respect her body and personal space.”
RELATED: Sound Advice: Setting Boundaries with Grandparents
Now you may be thinking, ‘But Kate, this is my family we’re talking about. It’s fine if I push my kids to hug their grandparents.’ And I truly hope this is an accurate statement for your family. However, it is the unfortunate reality that most assaults are committed by someone the victim knows: a friend, a family member, a neighbor, etc. An adult should always ask permission before touching a child in any way, even if it is just helping that child up the steps at a playground.
Another great talking tip to help children learn body autonomy is teaching them about good secrets versus bad secrets. Breaking this heavy topic down into kid-friendly language may sound like this:
Parent: “Do you know the difference between a good secret and a bad secret? A ‘good secret’ makes us feel good inside. Some examples may be a secret birthday present surprise for your best friend or the perfect hiding spot for hide-and-seek. A ‘bad secret’ makes us feel bad inside, and the only way to feel better is to tell an adult. No adult should ever ask you to keep a secret, especially one that makes you feel icky inside.”
RELATED: Sound Advice: Why Does My Tween Keep Secrets?
I also teach my children, “Nobody should ever look at or touch you anywhere your swimsuit covers up. That is not okay. You will never be in trouble if that happens, and I want you to tell me right away if it does, deal?”
Empowering even the youngest of our children can help them to feel more confident in their bodies and more comfortable with saying, “No.” The earlier we can teach children to set limits, the stronger their self-confidence will be when they start spending more time without adult supervision or exploring the world of dating (you know … when they’re like, 25 years old or something!).
For more parenting tips and tricks from Kate, you can follow her Instagram @thebugandbee. To schedule your children with a therapist at The Bug and Bee, visit thebugandbee.com or email info@thebugandbee.com.
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This column was originally published in December 2024.
Top image: iStock
