Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
My 3-year-old son was at a friend’s house last week. He happened to mention that he was playing soccer in their house, and broke a vase! I was of course appalled, and called the mother to apologize, and to ask if I could replace it. She was very gracious and said that “if she was worried about the vase getting broken, then she would not have let them play soccer in the hallway.” I was relieved, but I want to make sure that my child gives a meaningful apology. It is something that all of my children struggle with, so any help that you can give about this topic would be appreciated.
Thank you,
—Anonymous
RELATED: How to Apologize to Your Child
Dear Anonymous,
This is a great topic for discussion. Apologizing is not something that only children struggle with, but a lot of adults also seem to struggle with it as well. In my etiquette classes I teach both children and adults about communication with people, and apologizing falls under this umbrella.
I have found that people struggle with communication skills for several reasons. One is that they just do not know what to say to people. When it comes to apologizing, I think people get a feeling of awkwardness.
It is brave to admit that you have made a mistake because the automatic thought for most people is that the person to whom they are apologizing will be mad or disappointed with them. For children, they fear a consequence for making a mistake. So in their mind, it can be scary to even agree to apologize out loud to an adult or to another child.
Here are some ways to help your child feel comfortable with giving a sincere apology:
No One is Perfect
Reassure your child that when they make a mistake, they are not in so much trouble that their life will be miserable. Remind them that everyone makes mistakes.
Teaching by Example
When you as a parent do something wrong, apologize to your child. I know I would sometimes lose my temper with my children when they were young. After a few minutes when I cooled down, I would tell them that I was sorry for yelling at them. I then would talk to them in a calmer voice about why I was upset. One reason I would do this (besides being sincerely sorry for yelling) is that they would have a good example of why and how to apologize. And I am sure they felt better after knowing that I was in the wrong.
Maturity is Admitting Your Mistakes
Explain that there is no shame in admitting that they are wrong. Tell them that it takes a mature person to admit their mistake, and how proud you are that they are acting so old.
Explain why their behavior warrants an apology and make sure they truly understand it, so they will be sincere in their apology.
Tell them you understand that they are uncomfortable giving the apology, but the recipient will be appreciative, and the situation will be so much better after an apology.
If they are angry that they ought to apologize, make sure that you defuse their anger first before they apologize, so they sincerely feel remorse for what they did. I recall reading a parenting book that described doing this like a car stick shift. Keep on shifting into a lower gear until the child calms down. Talk through their feelings about the subject until you feel that they understand why they are wrong, and in a different head space about the incident.
Make it clear to your child why their action warrants an apology. In this case your child did have permission to play soccer in the hallway, but ruining something of someone else’s is very hurtful. Give an example that your child can relate to.
You could say something such as, “Remember when your brother broke your robot toy? We know he did not do it on purpose. But you were still sad that it was broken. Even though he did not mean to, he still told you that he was sorry. This is the same thing. You did not mean to break the vase, but Mrs. Smith is still sad about it, so saying you are sorry will make her feel better.”
Once your child understands the reasoning of why they need to say they are sorry, they will more likely be able to recognize when an apology is appropriate.
How to Apologize
Tell them that they only need to apologize once. When we make a mistake, there is no need to go over it again and again.
When giving an apology, your child needs to make good eye contact—as well as they are able based on their abilities. Once again, this can be uncomfortable and scary, but practice with them before they face the person that they are apologizing to.
If something has been broken or ruined, such as a toy or a lamp, help the child come up with a resolution to fix or replace the item.
As adults, we all know individuals who will never admit that they are wrong because they see it as a failure or weakness. If you can get your child to admit their mistakes, and then get in the habit of apologizing and giving a solution for how to fix it, they will not have a long-term resistance to apologies. If you can teach this to your child at a young age—that everyone makes mistakes and apologizing will make them a better and stronger person—then you will raise your child to be a better friend and significant other someday.
—Mrs. McVeigh
RELATED: Etiquette Lessons for Kids in Dallas-Fort Worth
Top image: iStock
