The chocolate smeared all over his face gave it away, but my 3-year-old wouldn’t budge. “I did not get into the cookies,” he maintained, straight-faced and unaware of the obvious evidence. It was one of those adorably innocent moments that I wanted to tuck in my memories forever, until it dawned on me—wow, my kid is totally lying.
Whether it’s a little fib or a big whopper, our kids are bound to lie to us. The good news—it’s perfectly normal. In fact, lying is even a developmental milestone. Still, we want to raise honest kids who value integrity. So how should we respond to deceit? And when might it be a bigger problem? Here’s the truth about our little liars.
Why Kids Lie
Children might start to lie around age 3 or 4 because something is happening in their brain—they’re beginning to understand that other people perceive the world differently than they do. Experts call this cognitive development “theory of mind.”
“If you thought everyone thought exactly like you did, there would be no point in lying,” explains Dr. David Atkinson, a pediatric psychologist at Children’s Health in Dallas. “So if a kid is going to be deceptive, it’s because they know mom or dad’s perception of the world is different than mine, and maybe I can use that to my advantage.”
As kids get a little older, they might start to lie even more, testing out how far they can take this new behavior. Can it get them something, such as TV time for finishing their homework? Can it get them out of something, like evading timeout for hitting their sibling? It’s natural for kids to experiment and see what happens.
Often, their lying is for self-preservation. Think of a 7-year-old who breaks his mom’s favorite vase. “They realize, if I get caught in this, there might be big consequences,” says Emily Oakes, a DFWChild Mom-Approved licensed professional counselor at the Center for Counseling and Family Relationships in Fort Worth. “So I have to decide, am I going to take the chance on those consequences? Or maybe can I try to manipulate things a bit?”
Other times, kids might lie for status. “Like the junior high kid who has the girlfriend or boyfriend in Canada,” says Atkinson. “Maybe it’s a kid who wants to be recognized as important. We all have a drive for that. And some kids might tell a tale to see if they can get that respect.”
And then there are the white lies, the little things we as parents do ourselves, and even coach our kiddos to do too. Say grandma gives a child a gift that they don’t like. What do we tell them? “We say, ‘Wow, that’s so thoughtful! I love it!’” says Oakes. “We almost teach them to lie in that way because it’s actually a really normal part of our culture. And then kids have to learn to navigate that—when is it OK to fib and when is it not?”
How Parents Can Respond
Parents might freak out over lying, but the truth is, dishonesty is very normal. So when your child is being untruthful, realize it has nothing to do with your parenting or your child’s character.
Still, natural doesn’t necessarily mean good. Honesty is a virtue that our society runs on, and an important trait to instill in our kids.
So how should you react to your child lying? Be calm and regulated, says Oakes. “If we respond with a big consequence every time or it’s a huge deal or they get lectured, they are less likely to tell us the truth in the future,” she says. “We might think we’re preventing dishonesty by being really strict and authoritative, but not being punitive makes kids more likely to be honest in the future.”
But this doesn’t mean parents should ignore deception. “With very young children, you might need to communicate the emotion, so they learn it. You might say something like, ‘That hurt my feelings,’ so that they can kind of internalize, when I lie it does harm someone else,” says Atkinson. So confront their lie but also normalize making mistakes. This lays the groundwork for a relationship where kids feel they can be honest. And remember, how you respond when they are younger will dictate how open they are when they’re older.
If you feel there needs to be a consequence, make sure it’s a logical one. It needs to be related to whatever it is the problem was so that it makes sense to your child. For example, you say, ‘You lied about doing your homework and I know you really wanted to watch that show, but instead you’re going to have to sit down and do your homework.’
Encourage Honesty
Be mindful of not setting your child up to lie in the first place. “If you know they did something they’d be tempted to lie about, don’t put them on the spot. We don’t want it to be like we’re pulling back the curtain and saying, ‘Aha! You’re busted!’” says Oakes. “We don’t want to set them up to lie. Instead, you can say, ‘I know you took $20 from my drawer, I really wish you didn’t, or I really wish you would have asked first.’”
And don’t just call your kiddo out when they’re fibbing; acknowledge their honesty too. “Notice when they’re being honest about something or fess up to something,” says Atkinson. “They can still have the consequence, but also really praise their integrity. Say, ‘I’m really proud of you.’”
When It’s Bigger Than Little Lies
If you notice your child lying frequently, you might also want to consider if an underlying mental health condition could be contributing to the behavior. Often, children with ADHD will impulsively lie because they speak before thinking. In other cases, a child with anxiety or fear of the unknown might lie.
In rare cases, lying can be a symptom of something like opposition defiant disorder or conduct disorder. “With both of those diagnoses, there are other symptoms like aggression, anti-social behavior or defiance that go along with it,” says Oakes. “So when you’re seeing lying on its own, it’s really probably not that big of a deal. When you’re seeing it in relation to those other behaviors, that’s when you want to pay attention.”
When Telling Tall Tales is OK
Did your child ever tell you he flew in a rocket ship and landed on the moon? Or that she rode a golden unicorn home from school? We’ve all heard kids spin a tall tale or two.
“Part of that is imagination,” says Atkinson. “They may not really even expect you to believe them. But they’re having fun with creating their own entertainment.”
In toddlers or preschool-age kiddos, it may have to do with them not quite having developed the perception of fantasy versus reality. Their make-believe story could even be a sort of wish-fulfilling.
In the case of a harmless tall tale, Atkinson suggests, “Consider, is this kid inviting me into imaginary play with them?” It’s OK to go along with it; show your child you’re interested in their world.
Don’t discourage your child’s imagination. But if you feel the exaggerations are going too far, or you want to draw a line between truth and tale, you might ask, ‘Is that something that really happened? Or is it something you wish really happened?’
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Top image: iStock
