What parent of a small child hasn’t lived through those harrowing, seemingly endless moments of raging fuss? My older daughter’s tantrums reached epic proportions at age 3; they were so intense her aunt commented that she’d never seen a child so out of control.
These were not happy times in our house. And, when my youngest daughter’s second birthday corresponded with the discovery of her own screeching voice, I sought answers — what’s really behind tantrums and what constitutes a “normal” meltdown.
Dr. Michael Potegal is a pediatric neuropsychologist and professor of pediatrics and neurology at University of Minnesota who has studied tantrums exclusively for more than 10 years. His take? Meltdowns seem to depend largely on age, but research has not produced clearly established guidelines to help prep parents for the screaming tirades.
According to Potegal, the first fits typically start around age 2; in fact, 65 percent to 90 percent of 2-year-olds throw three to six tantrums per week. Potegal’s research deems that one to three tantrums each day is fairly normal, adding that, on average, these mini-meltdowns last one or two minutes before the child is back to playing happily.
The Truth Behind the Fits
What causes this peevishness? First, it’s important to note that tantrums are “the psychological equivalent of fever. You know something’s wrong, just not what specifically,” Potegal says. Hitting, kicking, screaming and throwing are all signs of anger; while crying, whining, comfort-seeking and dropping to the floor point to distress or sadness, he explains.
Two-year-olds are infamous for their emotional volatility, meaning anger can build and erupt instantaneously. Parental intervention during these volcanic moments tends to lead to longer fits, Potegal adds. What’s the best defense against prolonged outbursts? Understand the reason for the tantrum and deal with it accordingly.
Tantrum triggers are classified into three categories, according to Potegal: attention-seeking, tangible-seeking and escaping from a demand. What parent hasn’t had to end a phone conversation because of a screaming fit (for attention)? Or, because your child wanted a cookie (a tangible item)?
The best way to handle these types of breakdowns, explains Potegal, is to simply ignore the behavior and refuse to give the child what he or she is seeking. Eventually, children figure out that it isn’t worth the effort.
And how should parents deal with the third – and, at times, the most frustrating – type of breakdown (when a child refuses to do as he’s told)? “Each second your child is not completing the demand is a second your child wins,” says Potegal. In this instance, ignoring the rebellious child is the wrong thing to do. Potegal explains that parents should enforce the demand. For instance, if you’ve asked your child to pick up his toys, place your hands over his and, together, put the toys away.
Expressing Volatile Feelings
There’s a theory that extensive tantrums may perpetuate from a child’s inability to soothe herself. To combat this theory, it’s essential for parents to work with a child on calming techniques and more appropriate ways to express anger, frustration and even sadness.
Dallas-based Counselor Raquel Furlong-Goranson, M.Ed., LPC, is also a stay-at-home mother of two preschool boys. She recommends acknowledging a child’s underlying feelings as a method to avoid raging temper tantrums. “Say to the child, ‘You are very frustrated, or angry or sad.’ Then give [the child] a healthy coping alternative to tantrums. For example: ‘You are so angry because you wanted that toy. Let’s go scream in a pillow or outside or in a closet (whatever works for you child/family) and get all that anger out’ or say ‘You are so sad, you just want to cry. Let’s go sit down and cry,’” offers Furlong-Goranson.
She also agrees with Potegal, adding that attempting to redirect a child in the middle of a tantrum may worsen the situation. Depending on the child’s temperament, you may redirect in the sense of acknowledging their feelings, not appeasing the tantrum, she explains. “Tantrums can be a great way to teach your child how to deal with overwhelming emotions. If you try to appease, you lose a great teaching moment,” she says.
Furlong-Goranson also stipulates the importance of parents setting a good example by not throwing tantrums when they feel frustrated, tired or angry. “Many parents throw their own adult version of childhood tantrums and then have no idea where their children learn the behavior.”
Will it Ever End?
Most frustrated parents are left asking one question: “When will the tantrums end?” Potegal shares this positive note: On average, by age 5, less than 50 percent of children still throw tantrums.
Yet, he warns, while these raging frenzies are less frequent, their average length increases to three or four minutes – equating to 30 or 40 minute fits (that can seem like an eternity to parents). But, he adds, even though these mega-tantrums can stress your parent-child relationship, they’re quite normal.
Although your child’s temper tantrums are sure to test your patience, it’s important to remember that they’re an essential part of his or her development.
Anna Philpot is a local writer and mother of two young daughters.
