Taking your child out to dinner or to a party may sound like just another item on the calendar to most families. But if you have a child who may have a seizure because of a strobe light, has a physical reaction to loud noises or may go through your host’s closets, it is an event of a different color for the entire family. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
“A lot of parents say they can’t go places because it’s either too loud or too much stimulation,” says Samantha Steele, whose 9-year-old daughter Jordan has Down syndrome. “Both of those things were a factor at first. We just didn’t let it affect us and the things we were going to do—not just for us but our other girls. It’s not fair for them to miss out on things because Jordan can’t handle it.” And, equally important, Jordan would be missing out, too, Steele points out.
Paula Baker of Hurst has worked as a life coach for the past decade (specialneedslifecoaching.com) and is program director of North Texas Special Needs Assistance Partners (SNAP). Regardless of a person’s special need, social skills are a huge part of his or her struggles in life, Baker says.
“Whether it’s Down syndrome, autism, Asperger’s, a brain injury or anything in between, social skills end up being a challenge for all of them,” she says. “At the same time, it’s crucial to expose them to social situations, especially when they’re young. Social skills are one of the things that alienate them most from society.”
Tammy Cline-Soze agrees. She is a behavior analyst and executive director of The Behavior Exchange (behaviorexchange.com), a Plano clinic that offers therapy and education programs for children with a variety of special needs. Cline-Soze suggests taking social events slowly.
The first step is to decide if your child is ready for this or would be better with a babysitter at home while you give your full attention to your loved ones at the wedding or anniversary dinner.
“If your child is able to sit still and attend for long periods, they definitely should attend,” Cline-Soze says. “[If not], it is critical that you learn from these situations and work with them on these skills, so that in the near future, they are able to participate.”
Once you decide to hit the social scene, preparedness is key. Here are some event-specific tips to help:
THE WEDDING
Keep them quietly occupied
“Bring a small activity of high interest that they can quietly engage in during the ceremony to remain occupied, such as a coloring book or a [muted] video game,” Cline-Soze says.
Give them a lesson in weddings
“Prepare them by watching a video of someone in the family getting married and talk about how quiet everyone has to be,” Steele says. “Role-play as a game. The child could be the bride or the groom, and a sibling or friend or even dad could be in the audience. Have the audience member start talking or whining. This could be the teaching lesson for the parent but funny that it’s a game because it may be the sister or dad getting in trouble.”
THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
Plan ahead
“Is the party going to be in a loud environment? Are there going to be a lot of lights, noises?” Cline-Soze asks. “If so, it would be a good idea to bring your child to the location prior to the birthday party so they can get familiar with the environment—you can begin discussing the birthday party and what to expect.”
Talk about the focal point of the party
Explain to your child that the focus will be on a specific person. Again, role-playing is a good way to illustrate that. “You could say, ‘We’re going to Sally’s birthday party, and this is about Sally,’” Baker says. “This is her day, and we’re all there to help her celebrate and make her happy.” Then remind your child she also gets to eat cake and dance.
Have a practice party
Watching a birthday party (maybe at your local park) or having a pretend birthday party with friends or family allows the child to be a part of a similar situation without so much pressure. “Have unexpected things happen in a small setting,” Baker says. “If something goes wrong, address it immediately.”
Teach boundaries
“Some of our struggles are when the party is going on … and she wants to be right up front,” says Cindi Paschall, whose 21-year-old daughter, Carissa, is a social butterfly with multiple physical disabilities, seizures as well as developmental delays. “Sometimes you have to say, ‘We’re going to sing happy birthday from back here,’ show her the boundaries right away, in the moment.”
THE PLAY DATE
Start small
“Start with one peer so your child gets familiar with and comfortable with that peer,” Cline-Soze recommends. “Keep the play dates short and sweet at first to make sure they are successful.”
Start with something your child loves
If your child loves to swing, start on the swingset. If he loves dinosaurs, start there. Then, take turns between something your child chooses to do and something the guest chooses to do.
Practice sharing
“Prior to the play date, work with your child on ‘my turn, your turn,’” Cline-Soze says. “This way your child will be able to take turns, share materials, even push each other on the swing. At the beginning, work on parallel play skills where the children engage in an activity together and share materials but may not have to be interactive. Prompt your child to look at the peer and verbally respond to the peer when the peer interacts with him.”
THE DINNER OUT
Practice table manners at home
If your child can’t stay seated for a meal at your family dinner table, it’s probably best to nail that skill before heading out.
Don’t start at a fancy establishment
“Start with a restaurant that is low key, not over stimulating, and that has foods the child prefers,” Cline-Soze recommends.
Help your child through her struggles — immediately
When Jordan was younger, she would yell and cover her ears when the family was at a restaurant and someone’s name was called out over a loud speaker. Steele immediately took Jordan’s hands off her ears, hugged her arms against her body and told her it was OK. “The more exposure she had … the more she has learned to deal with it,” Steele says.
Remember, this isn’t about the food
Don’t let food set you up for failure. Planning ahead by looking at a restaurant’s website can help you and your child choose foods that will work. If you’re eating at someone’s house, just ask what the menu will be and let your host know you may bring special food for your child if needed.
