Junk TV has become so commonplace that shows like Shark Tank pass as educational programming. My kids certainly have learned plenty watching the likes of Mark Cuban, Daymond John and Kevin O’Leary, a.k.a. Mr. Wonderful, torture aspiring inventors as they look for funding for the next big thing.
Keep in mind that their next big thing often looks like something created in their garage with a nail gun, some cardboard and a few Magic Markers. Cuban actually invested in a business that consisted only of a guy drawing customized pictures of cats (yes, I said cats). Another memorable pitch was a Rent-A-Grandmother business. Then there was the funeral-planning software idea. But I think it was the cat idea and the fact that the Mavericks owner just dropped six figures on him that fired up my 7-year-old to head to the drawing board – literally.
He sprinted upstairs, grabbed a piece of construction paper and a pen and started cranking out inventions . . . first, there was the collapsible water bottle. He said it would save him and his classmates valuable space in their backpacks. Then came team-branded batteries. Yeah, I didn’t get that one either. He said by putting college logos on batteries, people would want to power their Xbox 360 controllers with TCU, Alabama or Michigan batteries. But they wouldn’t be able to see the batteries . . . wait, stop, keep it positive since he’s on a roll. Then there’s the GPS golf ball, the baseball glove that can be worn on either hand, the football that teaches you how to throw like Tom Brady, etc.
Shark Tank is my latest guilty pleasure (sorry, Real Housewives). How else could I explain that I can watch Mark Cuban for more than five minutes without being the least bit irritated? Truth be told, he’s a perfect fit since he’s one of the most famous garage-to-riches stories ever.
But my son isn’t the only one motivated by the Sharks. Dad has a few big ideas as well.
The Diaper Genie that doesn’t smell like a Turkish prison. No, I’ve never been in a Turkish prison, but I’m guessing it smells worse than Vlade Divac. When you have your first child, the Genie seems like the perfect gift. But you quickly learn that you can’t mask the smell of 8–10 dirty diapers. My invention solves that.
The 14-hole golf course. Think about it: Dads can play golf in less than five hours, golf courses can save money on upkeep and land while still overcharging us. With annual golf rounds trending downward over the last few years, this could save the industry and lower our scores at the same time.
The 7-inning baseball game. I’m also for the National League joining the 21st century and taking on the designated hitter, but the 7-inning game is an even bigger idea. Shorter games. Check. Fewer pitching changes. Check. Taking the kids to a ball game and having them actually see the entire ball game. Check.
Healthy choice cheese fries from Snuffer’s. Hey, a guy can dream.
An App that will tell me exactly each and every intention a pimple-faced boy has when coming over to the house to take my daughter to Applebee’s. If those intentions are negative in any way, the App immediately locks my daughter’s bedroom door.
Someone already invented a car that parallel-parks itself, but I’m developing one that fires armor-piercing shells at drivers who enter the highway at 35 mph while doing their make-up and talking on the phone.
Kid-friendly stun gun for when being too tired leads to chaotic tantrums right before bedtime.
Pillow pets . . . yeah, I know, someone else came up with this silly million-dollar idea already. But don’t ideas like this make you think your next big idea is just around the corner?
Sharks, I’m almost ready for you.
