It’s 5:30 in the morning, and the loud, incessant buzzing of the alarm clock rouses the weary mom from a deep and peaceful sleep. Her heart is heavy with emotion on this crisp December day, but she knows she must put on a brave face for her children. Forcing her feelings aside, the mother of two takes a deep, reluctant breath and slowly slips into the much-worn, much-loved bathrobe her children gave her last Christmas. Stepping into her matching slippers, she pads into the kitchen to start her morning routine: Make breakfast, feed the dog, start the load of laundry she was too tired to tackle the night before, cajole the kids into joining her for a feast of pancakes and eggs, transfer laundry from the washer to the dryer, get everyone showered and dressed, wash the breakfast dishes, repack backpacks, and shuffle everyone to the car just in time to hit traffic.
This is the normal, harried schedule she adheres to every morning; however there is nothing “normal” about this day. It’s Christmas Eve. She is a single parent. She is dropping off her children at their dad’s house for the holidays. And her heart aches at the thought of it.
The holiday season is meant to be a time of celebration, joy and reflection, but for many single parents, the wonderment is often overshadowed by a roller coaster of emotion — an impact I have witnessed first hand in the faces of my mom and dad. Though my younger sister, Amy, and I were older when my parents decided to get a divorce — 16 and 22 respectively — the lasting effects still linger, especially during the holidays.
“How do you get rid of the ‘I-never-wanted-things-to-be-this-way’ feelings that creep up?” queried my mom, Pam Horn, when I asked her to share her thoughts on single-parent holidays. “No matter how secure a person you are, on some level you end up blaming yourself for the fact that you are not a happy, healthy, together family anymore,” she added.
In an age where the picture of a Norman Rockwell-esque family exchanging gifts by firelight is a rapidly fading norm, why do many single parents still feel so singled out during the holidays? And what can they do to reclaim the magic and merriment of the season, both for their children and for themselves?
Single in the City
In Dallas, Collin and Denton counties, there are nearly 132,000 single parent households —30,056 headed by dads; 101,923 headed by moms. And though they make up about one-third of all area families with children under the age of 18, single moms and dads often feel they’re the odd ones out.
“Everywhere you see a family advertised, it’s your traditional mom, dad and two kids. There still seems to be some stigma in relation to single-parent families,” laments Jennifer Parker, a North Texas accountant and mom of one who has been divorced seven years. She adds that she feels especially single during the holidays because of the increased focus on nuclear families.
“In the beginning, I did feel especially single and lonely during the holidays,” reveals Sofia Davila, a Dallas traffic coordinator and mom of one who has been divorced for five years. “I also felt very sad and wished that we could be together as a family. I don’t feel like that anymore, but it was hard in the beginning.”
Ray Salinas can relate. He’s been a single dad of one for seven years and is the founder of the D-FW based Single Parent Foundation, which offers emergency financial relief to single moms and dads throughout the area. “It’s extremely difficult and extremely stressful, emotionally, during the holidays,” he shares. “We (single parents) feel this is family time, and this can cause some heartache, I think, for parents.”
With holiday gatherings, parties, commercials, movies and messages all touting the traditional family at every turn, single parents may feel alienated and disconnected during a season that seems to effervesce fellowship and camaraderie. But it’s not just Mom and Dad who are feeling apart from the pack.
Denette Mann, a Dallas licensed professional counselor, says kids, too, may be sensitive to the increased family focus displayed during the holidays. “I very much believe in not letting an elephant grow in the living room. To ignore it or pretend it’s not important or that you don’t notice is not a good idea,” she asserts. “Speak about the situation straightforwardly without a lot of emotion. Say: ‘Oh look, they have a mom and dad. That must be hard for you sometimes that you don’t have a dad [or mom].’”
Mann stresses the importance of giving children chances to express their feelings. “If parents can be comfortable enough to let their children state what they feel, parents can give responses that are wonderfully helpful to kids,” she explains. “It’s a really simple thing, but I think the thing that makes it the most difficult is when you’re a parent you’ve got so much emotion wrapped up in your idea of who you should be and how you should be and what your child’s experience should be that we really have a hard time just accepting what is.”
Experts also contend that children of divorce often believe they can re-establish their family ties by “getting their mom and dad back together,” but more negative emotions weigh heavily when a parent has passed away or is truly absent from their life because there is no interaction. Children often don’t understand the situation and believe they’ve done something to cause it.
Shannon Craft’s son, Dalton, was just 9 months old when his father committed suicide on Christmas Eve. Now, three years later, Craft says her son hasn’t expressed alarming emotions, but she is preparing herself for the possibility. “This is all he knows, but I’m sure when he gets a little older he might have some of those sad, lonely feelings, and when he does we’ll work through it together — we’ll have to, because as I start explaining things in more detail to him it will be like I’m going through it yet another time,” expresses Craft, a special-events coordinator for the City of Allen. “Hopefully, by then, I’ll have experience under my belt so I can share what I’ve learned on dealing with it.”
Should a child begin exhibiting feelings of sadness, anger or any emotions that seem to be more than just a mild case of the holiday blues, seek help from a mental health-care professional. Local experts agree that the most beneficial thing for a child is to get him talking about his feelings and for him to feel heard and loved.
The Guilt Factor
Playing into a parent’s heightened sensitivity about being single during the holidays is the accompanying guilt that inevitably follows. “I always feel like I’m letting [the kids] down by not being able to provide them with the perfect family,” confides Laura Tims, a Plano accounting manager and mom of two who has been divorced for seven years. “Their dad has remarried, and there is definitely more of a family atmosphere over there [at his house]: dad, mom, kids, dog, extended family, etc.”
Parker has experienced her own self-reproach during the holidays. “I do feel guilty, as it was never my intention to raise a child in a single-parent home,” she affirms. “I do want my daughter to have that perfect little family, but at the same time, I know that I am doing my best and that she is not lacking in any way.”
But it’s not just an abstracted view of family life that can cause guilt to creep in. Single parents also feel regret over strained finances, limited resources and time that seems to be eaten up before the day even begins. “I tend to bottle up my feelings,” shares Craft. “I feel as if I’ll bring my friends ‘down’ by talking about how hard the holidays can be, and I don’t want to do that. They have their own families to deal with.”
So what can single parents do to assuage the grip of holiday guilt? “One big thing is to take care of themselves and to not feel guilty about doing that,” advises Jennifer Burgess, an area psychologist. “Parents should make time to address their own needs — do something special for themselves, go out with some friends, get a massage.”
Nancy Umphres, a Dallas licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests making holiday preparations a year-round event. “Buying small things when you have the money during the year or putting cash aside will help keep the season from coming up on you all of a sudden, leaving you unprepared,” she suggests. “Single parents are exhausted and they run out of resources, and they’re going to have some bad days. Expecting this and not being so overwhelmed by it helps, too.”
Holiday for One
While feeling significantly unattached and dealing with mounds of guilt can leave even the strongest person reeling, one of the most common, albeit heartbreaking, hallmarks of a single-parent holiday can be worse — celebrating the season in the absence of your children.
“It’s just not the same,” confides Tanya Schankel, a Little Elm executive assistant and mom of one son, who has been divorced for six years. “All my friends invite me to spend time with them and their families, but to be honest, this almost makes it worse. I would much rather spend the time alone.”
Demea Metcalf, a Plano national sales representative has been divorced since her 6-year-old daughter was 18 months old, says the holiday just doesn’t happen until her child comes home. “I tell family and close friends that usually call to wish us a Merry Christmas to not call until she is home,” she shares. “I am usually so depressed on the day that I stay in my pajamas and sulk and don’t talk to anyone because it is just not a day to celebrate for me.”
Experts across the board agree that having plans in place and keeping a support network on call when you’re feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely is paramount to surviving a solo holiday. Also, Umphres says you don’t have to shield your emotions from your children when it’s time to say goodbye. “It’s OK for kids to see their mom crying because they’re going off with their dad,” she advises. “But they also have to see that mom can deal with being sad and that there’s no dramatic devastation or disaster that happens because of those feelings.”
On the flipside, many single parents actually embrace the time apart from their kids, taking on new projects around the house, enlisting in some much-needed pampering or simply reveling in the chance to recharge their batteries. “Sometimes I look forward to the alone time,” shares Davila. “On Christmas Eve, I will be at home and put on some holiday music to get into spirit. This is when I wrap presents for the next day. I find it very relaxing.”
But how do single parents go about divvying up the holidays so that everyone has equal, quality time to spend with the kids? The overwhelming majority of parents who responded to a DallasChild questionnaire on the topic say they follow the custody decree to the letter — alternating weekends and holidays. Other families work with the ex-spouse to create an arrangement that best meets the needs of all involved.
“As far as holidays go, we really handle each one on a case-by-case basis,” shares Donna McCarthy *, a Plano category manager and mom of two who has been divorced for just over a year. “If either of us has an opportunity to take the children to visit family, then we allow that. If we both decide to stay in town, we usually share the holiday together with friends.”
But not everyone is as fortunate as McCarthy to have such an easygoing, peaceful relationship with their ex. In fact, as anyone knows, separation and divorce can be a particularly harrowing experience that can turn even the most well-intentioned parents into tunnel-visioned adults.
“The biggest thing I talk with my families about [when it comes to shared time during the holidays] is that the kids have to come first,” advises Burgess. “As long as you’re focused on what your children need, it’s easier to make those decisions. Don’t think about the arrangement in terms of what the other parent is getting or not getting; it’s really about the kids.”
And speaking of the kids, if a child is particularly close to her custodial parent, she may feel as if she’s abandoning her mom or dad in order to spend the holidays with her other parent, which may ultimately sabotage her experience.
“I let my son know that it makes me happy when he is happy and that I want him to have a good time with his dad. I let him know how much I will miss him and that I can’t wait to hear about what they did when he gets back home,” offers Schankel.
To avoid potential holiday scenes in which the child feels guilty for leaving her primary parent, Umphres urges single moms and dads to be careful of creating a life that solely centers on their child. “You really want to avoid living a life that doesn’t demonstrate to your child that you have other things going on in your world. If you establish healthy boundaries, if your child is able to see you existing apart from her and that you cope, it won’t be such an issue,” advises Umphres. “If you haven’t done this and your child does feel responsible for your well-being, you are going to have an issue with a kid who becomes a caretaker and isn’t able to tend to the business of growing up.”
It’s Not a Competition
Whether vying for the affection of your child in response to an ex or engaging in one-upmanship with other parents, competing and overcompensating at the holidays with lavish gifts, dinners, trips, even affection isn’t a beneficial action for a child. But it is, however, a natural reaction for many single parents.
Metcalf does concede to over-gifting and competing during the holidays. “I know I like to hear what her father is going to get so I can get something as equally coveted by my daughter,” she shares.
Experts say competition can create confusion and hurt feelings when there are children with different parents sharing holidays and unequally distributed presents.
“My son is always excited to spend Christmas Eve with his father [and step family], but he always comes home a bit disappointed,” confides Gayla Geist-Self, a North Texas aerospace/contract specialist and mother of one who has been divorced for 11 years. “The disappointment is based on the fact that they don’t get him anything he is interested in and that his half brother and stepbrother get lots more than he does. My son is older, and I try to help him understand that everyone is different and that means that parenting styles are different, and his father and stepmother don’t mean to hurt his feelings.”
Geist-Self’s explanation to her son is in line with the advice Burgess shares with her clients when discussing overcompensating and competition. “In terms of talking about rules or presents or things that are different at the other house, the custodial parent needs to say ‘Well, that’s at that house; this house has different rules.’ I think most kids will respond to that,” says Burgess.
Burgess explains that because one parent may be trying to outdo the other, the child caught in the gift-giving crossfire may unwittingly try to leverage the guilt the other parent is feeling at either not being able to provide mounds of gifts or simply not wanting to engage in the act.
“Comments like ‘They do more for me’ or ‘I want to spend more time over there,’ usually come when the child isn’t happy about a decision that the primary parent is making. They’re trying to play off the guilt — not really in a malicious way; it’s more of a typical boundary-test thing,” asserts Burgess. “The kids want to push and see where the rules and boundaries are. Even kids in a traditional two-parent family are going to pull these kinds of guilt-trips. Parents need to be strong and remember they’re the parent. It’s their job to make decisions that are in the best interest of the kids, not to necessarily do things to keep them happy.”
School Parties and Programs and Presents, Oh My
Along with an abundance of holidays tucked between Halloween and New Year’s, there are also an influx of school activities, each designed for parental involvement — something single moms and dads often find difficult to squeeze into an already too-jam-packed schedule.
“It’s very frustrating to try to do both — be the perfect mom that is always there to accommodate what the kids need and want to do, and be the perfect employee that has the flexibility to put in the extra time and effort on the job,” laments Tims. “People say your priority has to be your children at all times, but when your children are dependent on your paycheck for almost everything, it’s impossible to just take off from work whenever you want to, sometimes even when you need to. The kids have to go without some things, and I have to risk my reputation at work sometimes. For me, this is the worst thing about being a single parent. Holiday time just makes it that much harder.”
Schankel says because neither her ex-husband nor her family live in the area, the responsibility of participating in and attending her son’s activities falls squarely on her shoulders, which is only complicated by inconvenient scheduling. “A lot of times activities are planned by parents who do not work, so they have little understanding about the inconvenience of starting something at 4 p.m. and ending it by 6 p.m.,” she says. “Working parents cannot make it to events like this without taking vacation time. So, generally, I miss the class parties but do make it to major performances.”
So what’s a single mom or dad to do? Experts say be open and honest with your children about the situation, assure them that you want to attend everything they’re involved in but explain that it’s simply not possible. Then, ask your child to weigh in on which programs or parties are most important to them and schedule your work time accordingly.
But what about handling insensitive comments that may be passed around at school functions or contending with your child’s own insecurities at having a family that is different than his classmates? “This one is hard and will only get harder as my children grow older,” confides Sarah Montgomery, a full-time Richardson mom of 4 and 1/2-year-old twin boys whose husband passed away a year and a half ago. “Most 4 or 5 year olds always mention their daddies. My children are young enough to always say their daddy is up in heaven. I hope that continues, but I can envision a time when they will feel shame about not having a daddy. Unfortunately our society sometimes puts feelings of shame on people or families who do not look just like theirs. What they forget is that everybody’s road in life is different. Sometimes not better or worse, but different.”
And to All a Good Night …
In a world where what’s traditional has more often become the “non-traditional,” experts say creating family traditions is the key to creating a happy, harmonious holiday — no matter what day it’s celebrated on, how or where. “When I see people as adults and I ask them about their childhoods and what they remember, they talk about two things: vacations and holidays,” shares Umphres. “They remember if they had nice vacations, and they remember if they had great holiday traditions. I think it really gives a child security to kind of know what to expect and to be able to count on their family for certain traditions. It just enhances security, so parents should create two or three traditions that are going to be special for you and your child and put a lot of energy into them. And don’t worry about the rest and what’s missing and what’s not perfect. Just let it be OK.”
Burgess encourages single moms and dads to really evaluate traditions, and consider tossing out old ones and instituting new ones. “What we find is when you have a two-parent family, they will have some traditions, especially around the holidays. And when a major life transition happens, whether that’s a divorce or a death of a parent, keeping those same traditions can bring back bad memories. They’re a reminder of what used to be and what is missing, which can make a child [or parent] more upset.”
If you want to infuse the season with special moments that will become a calling card for your holidays with the kids, Burgess says look to the little ones for inspiration. “Let the kids help you come up with new ideas. I don’t think we, as parents, give our kids enough credit for how involved and intuitive they can be,” she says. “Kids that are in that middle range, ages 8-11, really like to have a lot of input; it helps them feel like they have some control and to feel more comfortable with the changes.”
And change is what it’s all about. Whether it’s working out shared arrangements with the ex, calling on friends to vent about a bad day or creating new traditions with the kids, celebrating a single-parent holiday is no easy feat, but it is possible. Moms, dads and experts all agree that changing what’s not working, recognizing there will be difficult days and finding a way to embrace them will go far in helping to alleviate the holiday blues and getting you back to the business of celebrating the season.
“I have realized that life is hard, and you have to enjoy the good, endure the bad and make today the best it can be,” opines Karen Shaffer, a Frisco marketing and advertising specialist and mom of two who has been divorced for six years. “I have my pity party from time to time, but my children are the best miracle ever. I wouldn’t change my past because of them, and they are the reason I try so hard for a better future for us all.”
*Last name has been changed per request.
