Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
My husband and I have two elementary school-age children. My husband also has two older children from his first marriage, and his son has recently got engaged. Last night we went to dinner with his fiancée, her parents, and all our children. Our future in-laws overall are very nice people, however, something the husband said made me very uncomfortable. He made a reference to a supposed stereotype of a specific religion. I assumed it is just ignorance. Typically, I stand up for anyone who I think needs to be defended, however I was not sure if this was the time to do this. But what is really bothering me is that my two younger children heard them. I do not want them to think that this expression is acceptable.
But I am also concerned that after I explain to them how what the future in-law said is offensive, they then notice that I did not say anything to them about it. I am teaching them to be respectful of all people, and to always stand up for people who are bullied or discriminated against.
My questions to you: How do I explain to my children that phrases like this are offensive? How do I explain why I did not stand up to the person who made the comment? And do you think I was wrong to stay quiet?
Thank you!
—Distressed Mom
Dear Distressed Mom,
I completely understand your dilemma. I am always surprised when I hear people make inappropriate comments about people who are of a different race, ethnicity or religion. I think a lot of times people do not realize that their comments are hurtful. They especially should think about that they never know if people have relatives or friends who are in the group that they are commenting on.
I applaud you for typically standing up to people and telling them when they have said something offensive. In this case I think you handled it correctly. Your future in-laws are people that you may see at different occasions or holidays, so keeping your relationship friendly and cordial is important. It is a lot of stress on a couple to deal with one another’s families, and if the parents do not get along with one another, this will add to the children’s stress.
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I have no problem telling people—if they are an acquaintance or friend—that their use of very offensive words is a problem, but I cannot say I would confront someone at a party or someone I just met. The better option may be to walk away and not associate with them. But if someone who is present is the target of the comment, then that is definitely a different situation. By all means speak up and defend the person!
As for your younger children, they may not have understood what the in-laws were saying. But just to be safe, a way to handle this is to find opportunities to have conversations with your children about how people are different than one another. You can give the examples of color of skin, ethnicity and religion, and how we should always respect other people’s traditions, beliefs and differences.
You can tell them that someday they too may hear jokes or offensive comments that stereotype groups of people. And add if they are comfortable, they can politely let the person know when their comment is offensive. However, tell them that once again, if someone is present who is the target of the comment, then speak up and defend the person.
This can be an on-going conversation with your children, that will teach them to be aware of comments that are inappropriate and not polite. This is a big topic, and there’s lots to consider when talking to your kids about how to handle these situations, foremost among them that kids must remain safe and not to repeat cruel things that other people say. You can tell your children that you too are learning how to deal with awkward social situations like this, and how uncomfortable it can be when you hear offensive things. You can even role-play with your child how to stand up to people, and how to handle various scenarios that they may encounter.
I am a manners expert, and not a licensed therapist, so to help navigate these types of conversations with your children, here are a few resources from UNICEF, Sesame Workshop and American Psychological Association that may be educational. Empowering your children with skills to be kind and respectful to people are so valuable.
I applaud you for being so conscientious about this topic in relation to your children. Once again, an on-going conversation about what people say to others is very important. And there are so many examples of social awkwardness that we need to discuss with our children. I think if this generation of parents can be as aware as you are, then we are headed in a positive direction.
—Mrs. McVeigh
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