Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
My husband and I have two children who are in sports. I have a very successful business that takes up a lot of time, and my husband is a stay-at-home dad. He has been very critical of me for not being at more of our kids’ games. I understand that he wants me there, but he needs to understand that when you run a business with hundreds of employees counting on you, making a basketball or soccer game is not always a priority.
Then he gets upset with me when I question my children about their games and ask innocent questions such as, “Why didn’t you get more playing time, and do you need to talk to your coach about it?” I was role-playing with my son on how to talk to his coach about more playing time, and my husband got really mad at me. He said I was stressing my son out, and I need to leave it alone.
Personally, I think my husband is being too soft on our children. At this point we are spending too much money on their sports for them not to perform and take it seriously. I know he wants them to enjoy themselves and have fun, but at this level of sports teams, they need to step it up.
Do you think it is that crucial for one or both parents to attend children’s sporting events? And am I being too hard on my kids to expect more from their game performances or playing time?
—Working Mom
Dear Working Mom,
I understand that you work a lot and are running a big company, and I applaud you for supporting your family. I do think that it is important for parents to go to their children’s sporting events or any extra-curricular activity because gives children a sense of being cared about, supported, and it builds their confidence.
But more importantly, stay positive. When your children have a game—whether or not you attend, even when you feel frustrated—try to keep your comments as positive as possible. After any game that you feel like they did not do their best, I would wait a day or two to let them process their performance before you discuss it with them. And when you do, be sure to tread lightly.
As parents we seem to get more worked up than our children do when it comes to sports. Do not berate them for how they played or go off on the coach because of the amount of playing time they got. Keep it as light as possible.
If your child expresses that he or she would like to play better or get more playing time, then have a positive and constructive discussion on how you can support them. Tell them that you would like to give them the tools to make it happen.
For example, I think the way you role-played with them talking to their coach was an excellent idea. You are showing that you feel confident that they are able to handle the situation on their own and are creating their own success.
If you continue to feel frustrated about their performance, I would sit them (and with your husband) and tell them that you are proud of them, but you have made a serious financial commitment to their sport, and you do not feel they are matching that commitment. You may need to find a team that is not as competitive or expensive that would be a better fit for all of you.
However you broach the subject, keep it positive and tell your children that you are proud of them and will continue to support them any way that you can.
—Mrs. McVeigh
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