Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
I have been dating a really nice guy for almost a year. I have two kids, and he has three kids. He has been very open to me meeting his children and they seem to like me just fine, but I have not introduced my children to him yet. I have always heard that you should be really careful introducing significant others to your children.
I feel like this is a relationship that is going to last, so I told him on New Year’s Eve, that I feel like the time is right for my children to meet him. Since then, we have been discussing different ideas of how to introduce them to one another. Part of the challenge is that I have never told my kids that I have a boyfriend. They have no idea who he is, or that he even exists.
One idea he has really been pushing on me is to take us all out on Valentine’s Day. I told him I was not sure if I want to introduce him as my boyfriend, and Valentine’s Day is screaming boyfriend! He was very offended by this and does not understand why I want to introduce him as a friend, and then work up to telling my kids that he is my boyfriend after a while. We have been fighting about it ever since.
First, do you think I am being ridiculous about the whole Valentine’s Day thing? I just do not understand why he does not understand where I am coming from!
Next, I wanted to see if there was some kind of etiquette or guidelines on how to handle these types of situations, so I have some concrete reasons from a trusted resource when we battle about it again.
Sincerely,
—Cautious Mom
Dear Cautious Mom,
There is unfortunately no widely accepted or specific etiquette on how to introduce children to a new partner and not a set time period. A licensed therapist or relationship counselor may be a better professional to consult if you feel like your children are at risk emotionally, but I am glad to give you my perspective from an etiquette point of view.
A lot of people do introduce their children to their boyfriend or girlfriend too quickly, and then when they break up, it can be heartbreaking or confusing for the children. I am not sure the situation with your children’s father, but if it was a divorce, they may not be over the divorce yet. As a child of divorced parents myself, I can tell you that adjusting to a divorce is one issue, and then meeting a parent’s new significant other is another. Some kids take it better than others.
I think you have been smart to take the advice about not introducing a significant other to your children too soon. You seem to be very in-tune with your children’s feelings, and I think your idea of introducing him as a friend first is a good strategy. He needs to trust your instincts when parenting your own children.
As for the Valentine’s Day idea, I agree with you that it is a day that is screaming love and boyfriend/girlfriend. To end that part of the fight, tell him you had a more romantic evening in mind, and you do not want to share it with your children.
I would sit down with him and find out why he is really bothered by your approach. Explain to him that you are really excited for him to meet your children, however, you want to do it in a way that they accept him and ultimately love him as much as you do.
If you are not able to come to an agreement, continue to stand firm in your beliefs. At the end of the day they are your children, and you are doing what you think is best for them. I commend you, while being sensitive to your boyfriend’s feelings, for being so thoughtful about your children’s emotional well-being.
—Mrs. McVeigh
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