Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
I saw your video about the holidays (on Instagram) and have a question for you. I am married with three young children. We are going to visit my family out of town for the Christmas holidays. How should I handle telling them that we are going to stay in a hotel instead of one of their homes?
We prefer hotels or vacation rental homes because it is easier to get the kids to sleep in their own space. For me and my husband, it is nice to have some time to decompress from being a guest in someone’s home and to set our own schedule. It came to our attention over Thanksgiving that there were some hurt feelings over our choice of accommodations. I was wondering what insight you may have on this sensitive subject?
Sincerely,
—Don’t Want to Hurt Feelings
Dear Don’t Want to Hurt Feelings,
I completely understand your logic of wanting to stay at a hotel or vacation rental home. It can be very stressful staying with family members or friends. As guests, we often feel like we are a burden and are putting people out. Even if you try so hard to be a good guest by doing things like helping with the dishes and taking out the trash, you still may feel like you are imposing on people’s space.
When you add small children to this situation, it becomes even more stressful. Especially if you are staying with people (such as your parents) who do not have children living at home. When my children were young and we would visit relatives, I would follow my children around to make sure that my sons were not touching things that they should not; not being too noisy; and not wrestling in the middle of the living room.
Staying in a hotel or VRBO is a great idea, and I now wish we would have done the same thing. I know, too, my relatives would have been offended if I would have done this, so I understand your dilemma. Here are some suggestions of how to handle this situation.
I would call any relative who may have been hurt by your choice of accommodations at Thanksgiving and tell them where you will be staying. Then say that you had the impression that people may have perplexed why you are not staying at one of their homes. Say you appreciate how family members have been very generous in the past by inviting you to stay in their home, and gently explain why you feel it’s better for your family to stay overnight elsewhere. I have two ideas for you of what to give as an explanation.
The first reason you could give is five people is a lot to have as visitors in their home. It makes you feel stressed that you feel you’re imposing on them and that you feel much less anxious if you stay somewhere else overnight.
This is to give them a break too. Add that they probably do not realize how much they need to recharge at the end of the day, and you want them to have fun with your family and children—not feel like a hurricane came through, and after you leave, they are left drained and cleaning up the destruction.
Another reason you could give is that one (or all) of your children get so excited about being around the relatives and fun, that they need some down time. Getting them away from the action each night helps you keep them in check. At another location you are able to get them to get more sleep. You think they are much better behaved when you are able to go to do this.
Either of these reasons are very logical, and hopefully will satisfy them with your decision to stay elsewhere. If they do not like your logic, remember that it’s still your decision and you are doing what is best for your marriage and your children.
I hope you and all of our readers have a happy holiday season!
—Mrs. McVeigh
RELATED: Mrs. McVeigh’s Manners: A Tricky Thanksgiving
Top image: iStock
