Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
I have a few questions regarding invitations. The first one is about graduation invitations. In December I received a graduation invitation from a former co-worker. His daughter was graduating from college. We have not kept in touch at all since I left the company several years ago, and I do not recall even meeting his daughter.
I obviously will not be attending the graduation. I have heard that the etiquette of receiving a graduation invitation is to send a gift. Since my former co-worker knows I would not attend the graduation ceremony, I think he sent it for a “gift-grab.” My first question is do I have to send one? Because honestly, I am feeling very used.
My second question is about wedding showers. I was invited to—and attended—a friend’s wedding shower. At the shower she mentioned that it is a small wedding, so several people there would not be getting an invitation to the wedding.
Honestly, I was really offended when she said this. As it turns out, I was one of the people who did not receive a wedding invitation. How can I be good enough friends with her to invite me to her shower but not good enough for her wedding? I was wondering if this is even OK from an etiquette point of view? My mom said it is not but to ask you in case things have changed.
My last question is, if I do attend someone’s wedding shower, and then get an invitation to their wedding, do I need to buy a second gift?
Thank you,
—Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your questions about invitations. The first one regarding the graduation invitation: You are correct that if you receive any kind of invitation (or announcement, such as a baby or wedding announcement), then the etiquette rule is you send a gift. I agree with you that your former co-worker is looking for gifts for his daughter. In this case, I would break official etiquette and not send a gift. I do not think his invitation is appropriate if you have not kept in touch all of these years and do not even know his daughter.
The second question is about is it OK to invite someone to a wedding shower and not the wedding. Your mother is right that etiquette says that this is not appropriate. If the bride is not able to invite all of her friends to the wedding, then I would just send out a wedding announcement afterwards.
Weddings are costly and a lot of people have to go smaller these days, but putting you in a position that you feel like you are not good enough to attend the wedding is not right. I am sorry that she made you feel like a “B list” friend. The bride may have thought that a wedding shower is a way to include everyone since she has a limited number of people she can invite to the wedding.
Your last question is if you attend someone’s wedding shower, and then get an invitation to their wedding, do you need to buy a second gift? The answer is yes. I know it gets costly to buy two gifts (especially if you have to travel to get to the wedding, or are in the wedding), but the etiquette rule is that you do buy a gift for both. If money is an issue, then get two smaller gifts instead of one more expensive one.
In the end, the thing that matters the most is that weddings are joyous occasions. If you are the one getting married, or someone who is a family or friend to the happy couple, just keep in mind that everyone wants to celebrate this special time. Not everything goes perfectly, so give people grace, if you are the one getting married, or a friend or family of the couple.
—Mrs. McVeigh
RELATED: Mrs. McVeigh’s Manners: Are Thank-You Notes Necessary?
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