Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
My daughter is in Kindergarten and is having a birthday party next month. We have several issues that we need help with pertaining to the guest list. The first issue is the etiquette of who we should invite. The second one is that we are trying to keep it in our budget.
First, we have discussed inviting most of her class, but she does not like a couple of the kids. And then she wants a handful of friends from her soccer team. Do you think it would be rude if we do not invite some of the kids that she does not like? It would make her day way more fun, and it would help us with our budget.
I want to do the right thing, so please advise me on how to handle these issues graciously.
—Party Planning Mom
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Dear Party Planning Mom,
It is so hard to handle a guest list for any kind of party. A lot of schools have a rule that if you invite one person in a class, then you need to invite the whole class. Over the years I have gotten questions on how to handle kids who were one of the few not invited to a party. It always breaks my heart when a parent tells me how upset they are that their child was one of those kids.
There are especially two incidents that readers asked me about that I still remember. The first one was a parent whose child was devastated because she was not invited to a triplet’s birthday party. Because it was a party where each of the triplet got to invite friends, it looked like most of the grade was invited. The parents hired a big bus to pick up the party-goers from the elementary school. So the few kids who were not invited had to witness the excitement of the majority of kids in their grade getting on a party bus after school!
The other incident was with high school students, where only five kids out of the senior class were not invited to a big elaborate party.
I understand people have a budget, but discretion and sensitivity are key. If you are not going to invite a whole class or a whole team, then tell your daughter she can only invite a set number of kids—not more than half of the class and soccer team. This will help with your budget and will not make anyone feel like they were the only one left out.
To help the situation of kids not having hurt feelings, before people get their invitation, I would call the parents of the children who are invited and warn them that not everyone from the class or team is being included. Since these are young children, I would gently ask the parents to talk to their child about not talking about the party to any other children, before or after the party. And tell your child that they are not to talk about the party at all, before or after. Explain to them that you never know who can overhear what you are talking about. And tell your child if a friend brings it up, to quickly change the subject.
If you do decide to invite the majority of a group (such as their school class or soccer team), then even if your child does not like a few of the students, they still need to invite them.
Party guest lists are challenging—for children’s parties as well as adult ones! When I plan a party, I often think about people who are connected to one another, so I do not hurt anyone’s feelings. And I never post anything about it on social media, and I ask all who are invited to not post anything. It is so hurtful to see groups of friends who were having fun at an event that you were not invited to.
I commend you for being so conscientious of your party guest list. It will make your event a lot less stressful and fun if you feel like you are doing the right thing about who you are inviting.
—Mrs. McVeigh
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This article was originally published in September 2024.
Top image: iStock
