"My mother-in-law has great balance. She has chips on both shoulders.”
“What does your mother-in-law call her broom? Basic transportation.”
“Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law’s Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?”
Can you believe some people think the above jokes pass as humor? Unbelievable. Reprehensible. Of course, I would never stoop to offering up crude jokes about my mother-in-law—especially in this special Mom’s Issue. After all, what Mom’s Issue would be complete without a tribute to the hardest-working, most crucial part of any well-adjusted family? Mothers-in-law are the backbone of our society. If mothers-in-law were put in charge of our government for one day, they’d figure out a real fix for health care, improve our education system, lower the unemployment rate by at least 5 percentage points and send a man to Mars. Yeah, I know you’re waiting for a punch line on that last one, but I’m not doing it. We’re talking about mothers-in-law here and these ladies are no laughing matter.
“What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law? Her two faces.”
“What’s the difference between your mother-in-law and a vulture? The vulture waits until you’re dead to eat your heart out.”
“A pharmacist tells a customer, ‘In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn’t enough.’”
OK, now I’m really upset. Three more tasteless jokes about the true heroes of our time. I’m about to call my congressman. I must step up and defend the defenseless. I must stand shoulder-to-shoulder with mothers-in-law everywhere.
I remember the day I met my mother-in-law. It was a magical moment. I think I actually heard angels singing and harps playing as we held our first conversation.
My mother-in-law grew up in Springfield, Illinois, the home of our sixteenth President (that’s Abe Lincoln for those of you who flunked third-grade social studies). She saw Elvis and the Beatles come of age, watched many of her classmates go off to Southeast Asia for no good reason and had two perfect daughters, one of whom later became my wife. In Texas, throughout her years in the area’s public school system, she guided many a young life and now helps patients navigate the chaos that is today’s health care. In other words, she’s a superhero.
That’s why it’s hard for me to believe someone would ever launch a Web site titled Motherinlawhell.com. The subtitle actually reads: Daughters-in-law … don’t suffer in silence … another woman vs. woman crime. I think that’s why Hilary didn’t win: Women just can’t get along. A man would never start such an insidious Web site—especially one that includes a poll asking: “If you could turn your mother-in-law into an animal, which animal would you pick? 1) A puppy with unconditional love for you 2) An aloof cat so she would just leave you alone 3) A cockroach—if the shoe fits!”
Like I said, I just don’t get it.
I also did some digging to figure out the genesis of this terrible mother-in-law bashing. There’s evidence that mother-in-law jokes date back to Roman times. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia (how could the Internet be wrong?!), Satire VI by Juvenal goes so far as to say that one cannot be happy while one’s mother-in-law is still alive. Wikipedia also states that most mother-in-law jokes are easily translatable to other languages and easily understandable in most cultures.
But, I vow to never chuckle, giggle or even slightly grin at a mother-in-law joke. Never gonna happen. No way, no how. I hold my mother-in-law too dear to give these so-called humorists a second thought. They just don’t get it. After all, there’s absolutely nothing funny about my mother-in-law.
