What would you say if someone offered you a job paying $117,000 per year—but you have to agree to work overtime, cater to every whim of everyone in the office with nary a thanks, and you barely have time to pursue your own needs and interests? Sound familiar?
Put like so, it doesn’t sound too appealing, but Salary.com places the yearly worth of the role of mother and housewife at a whopping six figures.
And what a great role it is. It’s the greatest job ever—the most important you’ll ever be given. But, let’s be candid here, what other job takes so much of your time that you barely have time for showers some days and bathroom breaks come supervised? You spend so much of your time prepping others for success that you scarce have time to maintain, much less cultivate your own. Somehow, along the way, you lose your self.
the great revelation
Radio personality Dr. Laura begins her show “I am my kid’s mom.” And so she is, but she’s so much more. Every mom is. But “it’s easy to lose your identity and feel isolated,” admits Julie Zimmerman, a part time residential designer and mom to Jordan, 2½.
Ask yourself this: What’s your favorite restaurant? No, we’re not talking about the one you like that your family also likes. Or, the one that’s easiest to take the kids to. In other words, Chuck E. Cheese’s and McDonald’s cannot be your answer. We’re asking about the one you genuinely prefer. What do you like to do in your free time? Again, not on a Saturday afternoon with the kids. Do you like to read? Are you a runner? Is getting a manicure or a facial the ultimate in your book? Here, swinging at the park and playing with chalk on the sidewalk won’t work for answers.
Mom Angela Andrews confesses: “One of my single, childless friends recently told me she hated hearing about people’s kids on their Facebook statuses.” Andrews says she knew before she checked; nine out of 10 of her own statuses had something to do with her children. “The good, the bad and the ugly,” she admits. “I have inevitably become Carter and Camryn’s mom.”
“I realized very quickly after having my daughter that if I didn’t keep up with the other areas of my life, I would not feel fulfilled,” adds Zimmerman. That means remaining social. I knew being stuck in my house with a baby all day wasn’t going to cut it for me.”
Likewise, mom Melissa Plaskoff understands the importance of maintaining a social network. “I usually incorporate some form of exercise,” says the busy mom, “whether it’s walking or yoga, to try and catch up with friends face-to-face.”
Zimmerman also nurtures hobbies and interests she had before baby. In her case, this means a weekly mah-jongg game night and a Kabbalah study class. “These activities keep me feeling well rounded. When I am active and busy, I feel relevant,” she says.
Plaskoff agrees. “I have learned that in order to be a good mom, I have to be a happy mom. If that means working, taking time to have coffee with a friend, enjoying a yoga class, it’s fine. When I am centered and in a good place, everything else seems under control,” she says.
Amy Doze, mom of 4-year-old twins Sam and Lillie, shares a challenge she received from a friend when she became a new mom: “To find 30 minutes of “me time” each day. This half hour had to be completely selfish—no unloading the dishwasher or folding mini-clothes. I took this challenge very seriously. Now I use this time to call a friend, check the blogs I follow, shop on the Internet or take a short walk.”
Doze adds that, after establishing that time as a priority, she now actually reads books, works out a couple times a week, attends a weekly knitting group and has regular wine nights with fellow moms without the kids.
“These activities have helped keep me feeling more connected, as well as relevant,” admits Doze.
And staying relevant is the key. How you do that is as individual as, well, you.
all mom and no play?
Worrying about staying relevant isn’t a “guy” thing, and the primary reason could be work.
If you remain in the workforce, it’s easier to hold onto your identity simply because you are flying solo for most of your day. The challenges you face from nine to five are those of the business world. You never let go of your mommy hat, but it is placed somewhere underneath that of employee. But the decision to continue working doesn’t have to be so cut and dried. The compromise? A growing trend for Dallas area mothers is to become “mompreneurs.”
Plaskoff, for example, found a way to wear both hats at once. She started Lemons to Aid, a charity that provides the tools for families around the world to host creative programs, such as lemonade stands, read-a-thons, bake sales, etc., to raise money for disaster relief and other causes. While her sons (Hudson, 4; Parker, 2 are at school or napping, Plaskoff is doing interviews or working on the Lemons to Aid Web site—or she’s doing human resources and payroll for her husband’s business, or volunteering at her kids’ preschool. “Working and being a mom to my boys is a constant juggle. I just don’t sleep much,” she admits. But the compromise keeps her interacting with others, which keeps her in the loop.
Zimmerman agrees that a work-at-home plan can give moms a greater sense of self. As a residential interior designer, she says, “It’s all about flexibility. I also have the benefit of being able to choose my clients and the projects that fit my schedule. Working some while I am a stay-at-home mom has been so rewarding. I can use that side of my brain that was put on hold when I first had my daughter.”
But working, if just part time, isn’t every mom’s lifeline to the outside world.
Doze decided the juggle wasn’t worth it. While this mom took her job in commercial insurance very seriously, her twins pulled too hard on her heartstrings. She says, “Leaving work was a very difficult decision and I struggled with it even after I stopped working. I had a great job and I missed my daily relationships with my co-workers. And I knew that leaving work would mean I’d take a step back in my career and leave my family with only one income.” After weeks of decision agony, Doze says, “I took a leap into the stay-at-home mom world.”
Page McAnear, mom of three (Amelia, 6½; Elise, 3½; Sam, 1), also put her career in the travel business on hold. “I realize that one day my kids will grow up, but I want to be at home for them when they are little.”
For many moms, the question of relevancy doesn’t rear its head until the first “empty nest.” You became a mom, and life sans children became a distant memory. You forgot what you like and don’t like. You traded that sports car for a minivan and stopped going to movies, even though film is your passion. With the kids in school, you now have the first real opportunity to reflect. Chances are, you may not like what you see. According to statistics from the National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH), married women experience depression more than single women do, and depression is common among young moms who stay home fulltime.
keeping the u in you
One thing every mom agrees on: As a key to staying relevant, you have to have time sans kids.
McAnear spends her “non-parenting hours” volunteering. She’s a volunteer at both of her girls’ schools. But you don’t have to wait until you have an “empty nest” to get involved in activities sans kids.
The key is making the most of the time you have without the kids. But, in the process, be wary you’re not simply overextended instead of addressing your own relevance. If you’re not taking the time to read a book, a magazine, talk to friends, know what’s going on out there, the world can still pass you by. Even working moms can inadvertently step off the Ferris wheel that is life and find themselves dizzied, alone and on the outside looking in.
Catherine Sang, J.D. LMSW, PhD (ABD), the Family Transitions Program Manager at The Parenting Center says, “Mothers can maintain their identity by remaining cognizant that being “Mom” is one of the many roles she will play in her lifetime. She may have the opportunity to play the role of wife, lover, sister, daughter, church member, employee, volunteer or mentor.”
Take time each day to remember you, not as an afterthought.
Sang suggests moms reflect upon whatever they enjoyed doing before motherhood. That will become something to focus upon to help keep your identity. For example, she details, if you enjoyed being a volunteer, a worker or simply enjoyed going to the gym to workout, tell yourself it’s OK to go out and do it even though you’re now a mother. Sang reminds us that keeping true to yourself will help you be in a more peaceful state of mind which will also produce a much more peaceful and healthy environment for your family.
“In essence, take time to do the things that you, as your own person, like to do. Even if it is 20 extra minutes that you take in your daily shower, you will cognitively process that you love you and keep your self-esteem at a healthy level,” Sang says.
Additionally advises Sang, “Have a plan. This sounds rather simplistic, but it is often a difficult task to undertake.” Her recommendation: “Create a plan with long and short term goals. Make sure the goals are realistic to you.” It doesn’t help anyone if the goals look great on paper if they are not realistic to you, explains Sang. And, she suggests creating goals that are measurable to help you keep track of your progress and to help you recognize that your goal has been achieved.
As a matter of basics, you want to be prepared to go back to work. You never know when the ideal job might come your way—sometimes without you even searching for it. And, in this age of social networking, it’s easier than ever to stay connected. Sites like LinkedIn, Koda (a LinkedIn/Facebook hybrid) and even Facebook offer a public forum for your resume and ways to network and keep up with old co-workers and even volunteer at your child’s school (think PTA secretary) or even within the community.
As a parting word of advice, Sang challenges us to remember that it’s OK to be an active member of your family without caving in to all of their demands. You can function as an individual and be a positive support for other family members as well. And, finally, it is not selfish to take care of your needs. Your children will be a part of your life long after they have exceeded their childhood.
