Marriage offers support, love, and laughter, but with those fairy tale feelings also comes balancing finances, chores, and careers. Enter a child into the mix and you’ve added more chores, more finances, and exhaustion. And, if your child has a special need, there is increased worry, added appointments, emotional evaluations, therapy sessions, C.S.E.s, and I.E.Ps. Because of these added stresses, marriage for parents with a child with special needs may require different fine tuning to stay successful. Here, experts offer their tips on how to stay connected, supportive, and in love while raising a child with a disability.
Communication One common mistake women make is defining who they are based on their child’s disability. Some women may not talk with their spouses about the everyday struggles with any and all aspects of therapy, from transportation to practice. These moms can become resentful and emotionally drained. Men, on the other hand, tend to feel the burden of not being able to “fix” their child, and may withdraw from the situation or deny there is an issue. “This is very complicated stuff,” explains Dr. Fran Walfish, family psychotherapist and author living in Beverly Hills, California. She has appeared on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams and Dr. Phil, as well as contributing to several national magazines.
According to Dr. Walfish, “Couples that collapse are the ones who hold their feelings inside. There should be a checking-in with each other on a daily basis for even 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted connection. This means that two willing partners shut off their cell phones, blackberries, and computers and commit to talking about the day and its stresses.” These “check-ins” are meant to offer each spouse the opportunity to be heard fully and completely, without one spouse emptying the dishwasher or flipping through television channels. The goal is to learn about the other spouse’s day, share a smile, or offer support, and most importantly, to feel heard.
Consider the other persons perspective. Dr. Walfish noticed that “often, one parent is working to financially support the family, and the other parent carries the burden of managing the child(ren) 24/7. This imbalance often brings added stress to the relationship.” One common problem is that one spouse may have to quit work to “take over” therapy issues. This sometimes includes numerous therapy sessions, testing, school meetings, learning the rights and laws for your child, and creating real world situations in which therapy can be practiced. It can be exhausting, emotional, and lonely. On the other hand, the spouse that continues to support the family financially has the added pressure of becoming the sole provider in a time of job insecurity. Being invaluable all day to a boss and then coming home to a busy house can also be overwhelming. Remember what the other spouse is doing to provide for the family, be it financially or emotionally.
Outside help Elaine Hall, founder of The Miracle Project and author from Santa Monica, California suggests if spouses are not seeing eye to eye in regards to therapy, it might be best to have third party assistance. Dr. Walfish agrees. She suggests looking to the school district for help, as there is usually a school counselor that can offer free services to ease the financial burden. Monthly meetings can be placed on the I.E.P. so that a child-free discussion with all therapists take place. The therapists can provide hard to hear information and explain things in a detached and clinical format. If the parents have different opinions on how to best proceed, the therapists have the experience to offer pros and cons of varying options, and can help guide the parents to a workable solution. Throughout these conversations, any questions and concerns should be addressed at this time. This way, everybody will understand the course and reasons for future treatment and be confident in the plan, therefore increasing its effectiveness.
Date night-no talks about therapy Dr. Walsfish advises that “all couples should have a scheduled weekly ‘Date Night’. The objective is to add more glue to the bricks and mortar laid in the foundation of their marital relationship. Therefore, the objective of your weekly outings should be fun and stress-free, with no discussion of anxiety provoking things like the kid’s issues.” Ms. Hall reinforces the idea that the concept of date night is to rebuild or strengthen the intimacy within the couple, so if times do get tough, you have these great moments to fall back on. While the disability of your child or financial restrictions make it seem as if a weekly date is impossible, be resourceful. There must be one hour a week you can make each other and your marriage a priority. Can you put on a favorite child’s movie and sit on the back deck? Or feed the kids dinner early, and enjoy an adult dinner later. If you don’t live near family, is there a neighbor willing to come over? Maybe one of the therapists can help once in a while. Lingering over dinners may take too much time and be expensive, but taking walks holding hands or playing card games are free! Maybe splitting an appetizer is more affordable and time efficient right now!
Be grateful. Ms. Hall also encourages spouses to show gratitude towards each other to create a loving, enriching environment. Though at first it might feel forced to find things your spouse does, you will begin to realize all your partner does to support you. Maybe it’s picking up milk on the way home from work, or putting therapy into play, a home cooked meal or gassing up the car. All of these things are easy to take for granted, but are helpful. If you think something nice of your spouse, be sure to tell them. The feeling of love will follow!
Though marriage isn’t always easy or fun, there are proactive steps that can be taken to avoid major break downs. Things will get better, the hard work does pay off, and working as a team will certainly help the family as a whole.
Elaine Hall (also known as Coach E) is founder of The Miracle Project, a theater and film arts program for children with special needs and their typically developing peers. She recently wrote Now I See the Moon: A Mother, a Son, a Miracle released by Harper Collins Publishers.
Dr. Fran Walfish is a leading child, parent, and family psychotherapist living in Beverly Hills, California. She has contributed to several magazines and websites, as well as the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams and The Dr. Phil Show. She is the author of The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building A Better Bond with Your Child from Palgrave Macmillan/St. Martin’s Press.
Julia Garstecki is happily married (most of the time!) and can be contacted at juliagarstecki.com
