Growing up with a twin sister was a fun mix of mayhem and manipulation. She and I were “frenemies” before that term was even invented. We were the best of friends and the worst of enemies. One moment we’d be making a rock collection on a family vacation, the next moment we’d be throwing the rocks at each other. We had a typical case of sibling rivalry. I’m sure our mom tried everything to cure it (Twins are supposed to be best friends, right? Wrong.), but nothing seemed to stop the constant battles. She did figure out that giving us separate bags while shopping kept the peace … until we got to the car.
it’s more than just a toy they’re fighting for
According to Dawn Hallman, parent educator and executive director of Dallas Association for Parent Education (DAPE), sibling rivalry is a fact of life. “First, understand that it’s going to come and it isn’t anything you did wrong. Second, you cannot make it go away. You can make it better or you can make it worse. Reassure older children that they still have a place in your heart. A lot of children’s behavior in terms of sibling rivalry comes from underlying questions of, ‘Do you love me? Am I still special or have I been replaced?’” Hallman says.
With multiple children it’s not always easy, but it’s important that parents be intentional with their time and find ways throughout the day to spend time with each child either playing or just listening. “There is always a lot of fighting for attention in our home. With all that modern families do, your undivided attention is harder for them to get. My youngest even says, ‘My turn to talk!’ because she is trying to get her opinion in too,” says Kelly Kampe, mother of three girls (10, 7 and 3).
Does age disparity make a difference?
Regardless of the children’s ages, sibling rivalry will surface. Hallman points to research that indicates if you have children more than seven years apart there is less physical fighting and arguing over toys because their age interests are so different. One study found that the age group 10 to 15 reported the highest level of competition between siblings. Hallman points out, however, that “Emotional fighting and entanglements will happen no matter how far apart your children are in age.”
When does the rivalry begin?
Hallman believes rivalry can begin as early as pregnancy. “What happens is within the first couple of months, the mom loses her lap. That new little person has already taken some space, time and energy away from the other child. They may not be aware or understand why they can’t sit on her lap or why Mommy is so tired, but they know something is up.” Children are very perceptive and mostly concerned with how a situation will affect them or how they can get what they want. The parent is mostly concerned with stopping the children from fighting.
The challenge is to understand that children are not fully capable of accepting someone else’s perspective and that often we have to put ourselves in their tiny shoes, especially when a new brother or sister enters the family photo. “Parents see it as a multiplication problem—now there are more people to love, more adventure, more relationships. Children see it as a subtraction problem—‘Now I’m not getting as much time with Mom or fun with Dad. I have to take turns and share?’”
Becoming a family of four or five or six can be challenging for everyone. It means more responsibilities and less time but also lots of fun. And the good news is we all grow up (most of us), and the person who lived down the hall who was supposedly related to you becomes more than just a brother or sister—they become your friend.
