Grounding and loss of privileges may seem like an easy decision when your teen breaks the rules, but there’s a lot more at stake than just next weekend’s party. Setting appropriate limits and learning to adapt to your rapidly changing teen’s needs will help her learn to make good decisions and strengthen your relationship in the process.
“For any age, discipline means to teach — not punishment,” says Dawn Hallman, executive director of Dallas Association for Parent Education. She says that everything parents do teaches kids something — in effect teaching them the right and wrong things to do long before they have an opportunity to break the rules.
Your teen will push her boundaries and, inevitably, slip up on occasion, but treating each infraction as a learning experience will help make the teen years easier on everyone.
Teens 13-14
- Set up a natural consequence or a logical one for misbehaviors. For example, falling asleep in class would be a natural consequence of staying up late. Not being allowed to go to a party next weekend would be a logical consequence of breaking curfew.
- Maintain the relationship above all else. It’s difficult to teach or reach your teen if the relationship is broken. Spending time doing activities they like is a good way to do this.
- Use extra chores as a deterrent to misconduct.
- Discipline is essentially parents teaching kids to self-discipline. Kids should be watched closely as they learn to do this.
- Parents should support one another in conversations with teens about discipline.
Teens 15-16
- Begin to set boundaries according to interests and behaviors. For example, a teen who is dating might need more boundaries.
- As kids get older, they have more responsibilities and fewer restrictions. Consider it like “letting the kite strings out but not letting go.”
- Make grades a factor. Better grades should mean more privileges and more freedom as teens grow older.
- Consider tactics to make them feel more accountable for their actions and realize the consequences of having lost your trust.
- Address issues long before you lose your temper, if possible.
- Gradually, begin to change the type of relationship and feedback you give your teen. Think about the type of relationship you hope to have with your adult child, and work toward that goal.
Teens 17-18
- The older kids get, the higher the stakes and the more dangerous things they can get involved in. Parents should know the dangers, but set fewer boundaries on an 18 year old, who is closer to being on her own.
- Learn to negotiate when dealing with change. Sometimes listening more than talking can help keep the lines of communication open.
- Give them a list of chores and things to be done before a date or going out with friends. Set your expectations before they go out.
- Use appropriate withdrawal of discipline as kids prove they need fewer restrictions.
Sources: Information provided by Dawn Hallman, executive director Dallas Association for Parent Education; Teresa Galvan, Carrollton parent; Susan Endendyk, counselor, Highland Park Middle School
