In this monthly column, we’re covering topics important to parents tackling everyday mental health issues with their children, giving them practical tools to help them grow into resilient, confident and kind kids. Below, Kate Jennings, LPC-S, DFWChild Mom Approved counselor at The Bug and Bee in Fort Worth, gives us her informed advice on how parents can respond when they’re hit with this big one: first love—or at least that first “boyfriend.” Read on for Jennings’ tried-and-true tips and even word-for-word scripts on how she demonstrates openness and helping your kids understand their new feelings.
“Help! My daughter is in kindergarten and says she has a boyfriend! What do I say?”
When my friend frantically texted this question to me, honestly, I was stumped. My own daughter was also in kindergarten at the time, and my own brain started to spiral. ‘Wait, what?! I knew things were starting earlier these days, but kindergarten? Does my daughter have a boyfriend? Do I need to ask her about this? I thought boys were supposed to still have cooties in kindergarten! What is happening?!’
RELATED: How to Explain the True Meaning of Valentine’s Day to Kids
Whoa, Nelly, all of these are valid questions and concerns, but this momma-friend wanted help out of this tailspin, not a co-pilot to commiserate with. Together, we brainstormed some conversation starters to equip her for this conversation (which came entirely too soon for the both of us!)
First and foremost, do as I say, not as I do. Please take this opportunity to learn from us and try not to spiral downward (or at least not as quickly as we did!). Just because your daughter claims to have a “boyfriend” does not mean she’s going to get married and move out tomorrow to start her own family. Remember, she is still 6, and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships (or, more likely at this age, boy/girl friendships) look very different at all ages.
By immediately responding, “What! You’re way too young for a boyfriend” will only show her that you can’t be trusted with important information.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: A Script
Mom: (Give yourself time to take a breath and remember you’ve got this, then reflective listening to show you are interested and paying attention.) “You have a boyfriend, do you?” (Asking open-ended questions helps you learn more, understand better, and builds empathy, which improves communication.) “Tell me more about that.”
Child: “Yes! Evan and Cooper like him, too, but he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I said, ‘Yes!’”
Mom: (Working to gain a better understanding of the child’s point of view.) “What does boyfriend/girlfriend mean to you?”
Child: “Umm, I don’t know … that you like each other and play together?”
Mom: (Learning more.) “OK, well, what do you like about him?”
Child: “He’s really cute, and he likes Bluey, too!”
Mom: (Encouraging a focus on his interests, not his appearance.) “That’s fun that you both like Bluey!” (An open-ended question for more information.) “What else?”
Child: “Well, we play at recess every day.”
Mom: (Another open-ended question, but this time to remind her of her value and worth.) “That sounds fun. Tell me about how he shows kindness to you and other kids.”
6 Tips for Talking About “Boyfriends” and “Girlfriends”
A few other key points you can make to her may include the following:
1. Encourage her to come to you with things both big and small. “I’m so glad you came to me about this. Thank you for sharing with me.”
2. Summarize to show you were listening. “It sounds like you two have a lot of fun together.”
3. Remind her to be inclusive of all of her friends. “Just remember that you can still have fun and play with all of your friends, whether they’re boys or girls.”
4. Teach her to trust her gut. “If you ever feel an icky feeling in your tummy, like it doesn’t feel right to call him your boyfriend, that’s OK. It’s important to listen to that feeling, and you can tell him, or we can talk about it.”
5. Instill in her a sense of body autonomy. “This sounds exciting for you. Remember, even if you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, nobody should ever look at or touch anywhere on your body that your swimsuit covers up.”
6. Set limits. “This sounds OK for now, but remember we do not kiss because kissing spreads germs, and we want to stay healthy.” Keep this simple—health and safety-related and age-appropriate. Chances are, in kindergarten, she’ll be grossed out by even just the thought of kissing!
What to Say When You’re Stumped
If you are really thrown for a loop, you don’t have to have any part of this conversation right away. Your response could simply be, “Oh, that’s interesting. Thank you for telling me. Let me think about that for a little bit and get back to you.”
By immediately responding, “What! You’re way too young for a boyfriend. No, ma’am, not happening,” or flipping out on her in the carpool line, that will only show her that you can’t be trusted with important information. Take time to gather your thoughts, compose yourself, then maybe chat when you get home over some ice cream.
The great thing is that you have taught your daughter it is OK to trust you with this kind of information. You have built great rapport with her, and she feels safe enough to be open with you. That’s a win all around! And if she can learn that you are a safe person, you’ll create a safe space for her for years (and relationships!) to come.
For more parenting tips and tricks from Kate, you can follow her Instagram @thebugandbee. To schedule your children with a therapist at The Bug and Bee, visit thebugandbee.com or email info@thebugandbee.com.
RELATED: Are You Speaking Your Child’s Love Language?
This column was originally published in February 2025.
Top image: iStock
