Criticism stings. When it is directed at you, it is painful enough, but when it involves your child, it feels like a double whammy. Even parents with the thickest skins can easily take offense when it comes to comments made about their little ones. Dr. Brad Schwall, creator of Cool Kids—a character-building social and emotional learning program for children—and a staff therapist at the Pastoral Counseling and Education Center in Dallas offers up some practical advice: “Don’t be defensive and don’t take it personally,” he advises. Like so much of parenting, that is easier said, than done. However, mastering those two rules will help make criticism more productive for you and your child.
The Art of Critiquing
Paula Mason, a Dallas area teacher and mother of three, says she sees some fellow educators miss out on an opportunity to better engage parents in their child’s learning because the teachers haven’t mastered the art of giving constructive criticism.
“Sharing criticism with the parent correctly invites them into the process of educating their child, making them a valued partner,” says Mason. Mason says how criticism is offered makes the biggest difference. “I’m a parent too, so I take into consideration how I would want information about my kids shared with me.”
For that reason, Mason makes it a point to speak to parents in person, never by phone or e-mail, when sensitive issues are addressed. “It’s too easy for a message to be misinterpreted if it is given over the phone or in writing instead of face to face,” says Mason. “I make a point to sit eye to eye with the parent.”
Mason also takes the time to really get to know her students and shares that knowledge with the parent. “I want them to know that I really do care about their child.” Knowing the child is helpful for everyone. Parents who really know their children are in a better position to determine whether criticism should be heeded or not.
It’s All About Perspective
All criticism is not equal. “Understand that someone like a teacher is seeing your child in a different setting and context,” advises Dr. Schwall. For that reason, something that may seem out of character to you as the parent, may actually be true. “But you still have to go with what you know is true about your child,” says Schwall.
People who see or interact with your child infrequently, like some extended family members, may mean well when they offer what they consider to be constructive criticism. However, their limited interactions with your child may not provide a complete picture of what is a recurring problem that needs to be addressed, rather than an occasional misbehavior. In that case, it’s best to listen to the criticism and do your best to understand it, but focus on what you know about your child, says Schwall.
Acknowledge Without Judgment
A grandmother who visits your toddler twice a year may be perplexed by a mealtime meltdown. Her suggestions about how you are handling the situation may still be helpful, even though dinnertime struggles are developmentally appropriate. Dr. Schwall suggests acknowledging the input without necessarily agreeing or even apologizing by saying something like, “I understand that you might have concerns based on what you observed and I value your opinion. We are doing our best. We want her behavior to be positive, so we will continue to work on that.”
“You can thank the family member for the observation,” adds Schwall. “Show an openness to it because family members may have good intentions and you don’t want to cut that off. But you should feel confident in yourself in your own understanding of your children.”
When it is time to talk to your child about the issues brought up by a teacher or relative, it is important to focus on behaviors, not judgments about him or her personally. Give specific examples of what led to the recommendation, and then give proactive steps that the child can take to improve. Let your child know that you believe in their ability to make the change for the better.
To reach Dr. Schwall, please call: 214/683-6537 or visit coolkidschannel.com.
