You thought having the kids was the hard part. Now you have to raise them.
American poet Emily Dickinson wrote, “Mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.” And those of us on the other side of that paradigm know just how daunting that role is. How best can we be there for our children in these times of certain trouble? From planning for a costly college education in these rocky financial waters to keeping your children safe while they are in the care of others … the litany of questions can keep you up at night.
To help you, consider what the experts have to say. These men and women don’t pretend to offer easy solutions. But they might just have the nugget of wisdom that helps you get through the current parenting hurdle — or sleep a little better for one night at least. We could no more answer all of your parenting questions here even if we devoted the entire issue to it.
FINANCE EXPERT:
Holly Carroccio
CFP and owner of Nexus Advisor based in Dallas. Mom of two, ages 6 and 4.
1. In today’s world, how do parents instill healthy money management in their kids? This is something I think about a lot because it’s very important to me to raise financially responsible kids. My parents didn’t teach me much about money. I bought my daughters a piggy bank that has different compartments in it, so they put part of their allowance in savings, spending and tithing. This is teaching them to give back and to defer the use of some of the money for later. They are free to spend some of the money on whatever they want. I often share expenses with my older daughter if, say, she wants to buy something while we’re out shopping. (“I’ll buy one book and anything else you might want, you have to buy.”)
I really love the use of lemonade stands to help teach money management. Recently, my daughter earned $28 at her own lemonade stand. I made her pay me back for the $14 we spent at the grocery store on supplies, and she also had to pay her ‘employee’-friend $3 for helping her at the stand. She was pretty upset when she was only left with $10. But I explained to her that when you start a business, you have to pay back your investors. The next time she earns money, she knows that it will be all hers. The moral: do activities with your kids that allow them to have real-life money experiences. They desperately need the responsible foundation to set them up for a responsible fiscal future.
2. What mistakes do parents make when it comes to estate planning? Parents often do not spend enough time checking that their insurance policies, IRAs, 401Ks all have up-to-date secondary beneficiaries. What happens if the first listed beneficiary on your life insurance is your spouse, and, tragically, you both pass away? Does your secondary beneficiary on all of your assets match the name listed as executor of your will? If not, the will—even if it is drafted more recently than when you named the beneficiary on a life insurance policy—has no power over the beneficiary listed on the asset.
3. What do parents need to be aware of when it comes to childcare costs? Parents can write off up to $5,000 of childcare costs at a qualified preschool (with a tax ID). It can’t be someone who just comes over to babysit … it has to be at a licensed childcare facility. Also, parents should see if their company offers dependent care spending account that they can contribute to from their paycheck before tax. The maximum contribution is $5,000.
4. How can parents grow their money now? If you want to make more on your money, keep investing your money. If you’ve got money that you’re investing that’s going to be in the market for at least 10 years, continue to invest in growth-oriented investments. The key is not to get too caught up in what’s going on now in the market. When the market recovery starts, those shares you bought during the downturn will be extremely valuable. Stay focused on 5 to 10 years out.
PARENTING EXPERT:
Dr. Arminta Jacobson
Founder and director of the Center for Parent Education; UNT professor of development and family studies for 25 years; has two sons and five grandchildren
1. What are some techniques that ease separation anxiety? How can parents ease the transition from home to pre-K or kindergarten? Parents’ behavior is essential: if you hover and worry, kids will tend not to be OK. Get them involved at school, be matter of fact, say goodbye and leave. Some kids do better if their dads drop them off. Men tend to be more matter of fact, have a more playful nature with their kids.
2. In the instance of younger children, should you step in and solve playground disputes, or should you allow kids to work it out amongst themselves? Be there physically (don’t yell from across the room), support kids and help guide them in settling the dispute. Ask them, ‘How can you both share this toy? Can you take turns? Do you see that you’ve made him cry? What can we do to solve this problem?’ Parents should be involved, but don’t solve it for them. And, don’t let it just run its course — young kids have limited ability to solve problems.
3. What about older children – how do you deal with bullying? Lots of research in this area, and it all seems to point to a barrier between fear and the child’s ability to get help. Obviously, as a parent, if you learn of this situation, you need to seek help. Talk about possible scenarios of “if this happens to you, this is how you can respond,” and rehearse responses. Be an advocate for your child… insist that parents of bully be involved too.
4.What’s your take on discipline or spanking? Many people swear by [spanking]. It all boils down to the fact that it’s not necessarily harmful [non-severe spanking], it’s just not helpful. Spanking is power-assertive discipline … the child learns obedience. They also learn not to get caught. Help them realize what happens and how their behavior affects other people and talk about consequences. Spanking teaches kids that parents control them, so you have to teach them how to internalize rules and be in control of themselves.
5. How do you explain and help kids cope with grief (from death in family, disability)? I would get some help from people who are an expert at this … like grief camps (The Warm Place), or a family counselor. Opt for play therapy, a type of counseling that’s designed for younger kids. This uses a play format, and a play therapist uses language and feedback that helps kid work through grief issues. Children can feel guilty when parent dies. They may think they did something wrong that caused parent’s death … or, some kids think that it’s bad to be angry. It’s also important to make sure to keep things as normal as possible, be with friends or supportive adults.
6. How young is too young for a child to have a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’? Why? I have a hard time understanding why parents even wonder about this … it’s natural for kids to be attracted to one another – they chase each other on the playground. Age really depends on child’s development — I would certainly not push them into it [as I have seen in some cases]. I really don’t think true dating should occur before high school because of the open culture when it comes to sexuality, but closed culture when it comes to facts about STDs and pregnancy. There is just too much sexual pressure on kids these days for kids to be able to manage these relationships well at young ages.
HEALTH EXPERT:
Dr. Halim Hennes
Director of Emergency Medical Services at Children’s Medical Center of Dallas, professor of pediatrics at UT Southwestern University Hospital
1. Are you able to cross-reference medical records between hospitals outside of county and state lines in order to track potential abuse or avoid redundant testing? No, and I’m glad you mention this. In Wisconsin, where I moved from, the state health association had started a program where the emergency departments across the counties can actually look up patient visit history. So every time a patient came in, I would mark them into the system and see that yesterday the patient was in this hospital and the day before they were at this other hospital … and so on. Hopefully with electronic medical records, this will be something to consider in any community – not just in Dallas. Additionally, it could be a major health care cost saver. Sometimes a child has been in and out of a hospital and tests have been done and the parents don’t tell us anything about it, or they tell us but we don’t have the records so we have to repeat the test.
2. What are some problems that you would ameliorate in your own dream pediatric ER? Overcrowding. This is a system-wide problem that is not unique to Children’s or other community hospitals. ER departments across the country are getting busier and busier due to the current economic state. People no longer have the means to see their doctor — because they’ve lost their insurance, or other factors. The ER becomes the logical place for them to go. There’s a large part of the population that don’t have a relationship with a primary care provider. They view the primary care provider not as the one to go to when a child is sick, but rather the one to go to for the well visit and immunization. When the child is sick, they take them to the emergency department. With the new administration, hopefully there will be more money for Medicaid and the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP). We really need core primary care providers who can help absorb the volume.
3. When it comes to holistic medicine, what’s appropriate for a child? Holistic medicine is definitely here. Personally, I do not have any experience with it either in my family or with my own children. However, I know some pediatricians who are in to holistic medicine and the parents are happy. It’s unique, and you have to believe in it. You really have to have your pediatrician guide you through the process and manage you. When these kids [who have used alternative treatments] come through the ER, we have to call the pediatrician to say here’s what we have, what would you like to do. If the child has a life-threatening illness, then we will do whatever is needed and most parents are open to accepting our guidance. We do look to pediatricians as the advocates when it comes to dealing with kids whose parents wish to use alternative treatments.
4. Is it better to keep your child as germ-free as possible until pre-K or kindergarten? You cannot keep them in a bubble. It’s well documented that a child who starts pre-school or kindergarten is going to have six or eight colds or runny noses or viruses a year. Exposure helps immunity, but you also have to make sure your child is properly immunized. A clean environment is key, but I don’t think any physician would advise any parent to keep your kid at home until he or she goes to school. He’s going to get exposed to these viruses and he’s going to get ill.
SAFETY EXPERT:
Senator Florence Shapiro, R-TX
District 8
As a former public school teacher, Shapiro first entered elected office as a Plano City Council member. Following six terms on the council, she was elected Mayor of Plano. During this time, she also served as President of the Texas Municipal League and the North Texas Council of Governments. Senator Shapiro has been a champion of children, passing landmark legislation to protect against sexual predators. Her series of bills known as Ashley’s Laws, protects against, adjudicates, and punishes sex offenders whose victims are children. These laws, which began in 1995, were national benchmarks.
1. What do you think is the most challenging issue that parents face today when it comes to their children’s safety? The challenge is understanding what’s threatening to our kids. It’s very important that parents know everything that their child is doing — you need to know whose house they are going to, who will be supervising, what activities they are doing after school and their behavior on the Internet. You don’t drive down the road and see kids outside playing in the front lawn. Your next-door neighbor isn’t a good friend of the family like in years past.
2. What is the MySpace bill? 90,000 registered sex offenders were found to be on MySpace and other social networking Web sites. Predators are using these sites to get in touch with their victims — this is not surprising, you hear stories every day about bad things happening in conjunction with such Web sites. We’re in a position to work with social networks to stop this attack on our children… we as parents assume that kids are using sites in innocent ways, but time and again bad things are happening. This bill will stop the predators before they are granted access to MySpace [or other sites] by allowing the companies to cross-check their registered users with a list of sex offender’s e-mail addresses and other online identifiers. The companies will then have the ability to police their own sites and promote public safety for users.
3. More and more parents are using these social networking sites to communicate with other parents. In some cases, parents post photos of their kids or sensitive information about their family. How dangerous is this? Honestly, I can’t imagine why a parent would do this. If a parent is doing this they have not thought about the possible ramifications that this could pose to their kids.
4. Many parents know of your efforts to revamp legislation concerning sexual child predators, but some may not be aware of efforts with Jacob Fox act. What should they know? Jacob Fox was killed in a daycare transportation van due to the outside temperature of 104 degrees … This led me to investigate daycare providers and how they transport kids. How do they keep track of them, and how is it possible for a child to slip through the cracks like Jacob? This bill requires that daycare providers who transport kids under age 9 to complete at least two hours of transportation safety so mistakes like this don’t happen. I hope it leads people to become creative so as they can take easy precautions — menial precautions — like counting heads. It’s that simple.
5. Is the world as scary as it is portrayed on the news? How can parents work to make it safer? Yes, the world is a scary place. We have a society that has become immune or numb to these terrifying stories. Stories are more horrendous every time you hear about them, but society for the most part tolerates them. The safety of our kids starts and ends with parents but some things parents don’t have control over and that’s when government steps in. If we could legislate good parenting skills, we would have done that a long time ago… we have to work as a society and say that this is unacceptable.
6. How did you make sure that your own children were safe when you left them in the care of others? At that age [young children], I was very conscious of who they were friends with and how they were spending their time. You bond yourself to a group of families that you become friends with, but you have to be sure that these people are trustworthy and have the same intentions for their kids as you have for your own.
EDUCATION EXPERT:
Meg Elmore
20-year veteran of the Parent Teacher Association (PTA) and a mother of four and grandmother of six. She serves the Texas PTA Board as president of Area 14, which includes Dallas, Garland, Mesquite, Rockwall and Greenville ISD Councils, and Hunt, Rockwall, Kaufman and VanZandt counties.
1. What do you think is the most challenging education issue parents and children are confronting today? I think the biggest challenge is the same as it has been for years — peer pressure. Kids have access to everything that adults have access to, so parents have to filter the adult things out so that kids can stay kids. Another huge issue is that younger kids are not getting recess time… it’s up to the principal of the school. For misbehaving kids, recess is taken away as a form of punishment and this doesn’t necessarily help the bad behavior. It’s more than likely that this worsens the situation.
2. How young is too young to start college prep? Elementary school is simply too young. But in middle school, kids have to start thinking about their interests so they can plan their class schedule. The more things we can do to talk about interests is important — not so much the idea of teaching kids that they have to go to college, but that they should seek out their interests.
3. How can I give my toddler the best head start for school? Read to your child. Even if they don’t understand, they are tucking away words in to their vocabulary. Also, field trips pique a toddler’s curiosity, which goes back to the idea of finding what the child is interested in. Toddlers also need to be socialized in order to interact with others when they go to school … they also need to learn how to take directions from a person in authority.
4. How do you feel about TAKS? I have very mixed feelings when it comes to standardized testing. With TAKS, I feel like we put so much pressure on kids to do well and it shows. It’s not appropriate to pin the success of a school on a child’s performance on one day. This is a great downfall for Texas schools … if we teach our kids what they need to know, they should be able to take a test successfully, yet we’re not teaching them the content. They are being taught how to take the test.
5. How do you advocate for your child? Go to your school board meetings — it’s your right. Not nearly enough parents do this. And, when you’re there, ask questions and keep your representatives accountable for the promises they make.
