It was about 2:35am and my wife and I sat there silently eating bland turkey and cheese sandwiches. I mean they may have been the most fantastic gourmet concoctions involving bread, but all sense of taste—and reality—seemed lost on us. Just 44 minutes prior, my first son was born, held by each of us, weighed like a prizefighter and whisked away to give mommy time to rest. Because my wife claimed to be tired or something. No idea why.
In the silence of our maternity room, eating those sandwiches was the first moment where we could reflect on parenting. Maybe I’ll write a book on this, I thought, nary an hour into my expertise as a dad. Ten years later, the reflection hasn’t stopped.
While no book has yet to hit the presses, I have slowly accumulated little tidbits on what it means to be a parent, and where it all started with that first unforgettable year. And in honor of my cousin soon becoming a first-time dad, I’m offering my unsolicited tips for surviving the first year of dadding.
Sleep now, you naive fool!
Dads-to-be, if there is one message fellow parents are passing down to you at this point it’s this: get your rest now. Sleep. A lot. They are right. Absolutely right. In fact, why are you reading this column? Quite frankly, you should be laying down and bathing in the luxury that is excess sleep.
Become a diaper ninja
Lots of adjectives get attached to babies…cute, miraculous. But one description that many fail to use is…well…gross. In fact, they are miraculously gross.
You will eventually get desensitized to this fact, especially when you get burped up on for the 34th time in the first week home or accidentally peed on for the first time.
Side note: You will get peed on. Just accept it as your badge of honor. It’s a rite of passage into dadhood (One of us! One of us!).
You can curb much of the grossness, however, honing your new craft of diaper changing. Take a few objects about the size of a football around the house, grab a stopwatch and time yourself. If you are focused on setting a new personal best, you aren’t as focused on the grossness before you.
Embrace the sleeplessness
It’s a scientific fact that 99 percent of your friends will somehow birth a glorious sleeper who seems to get through the night without much fuss.
You will not be one of them. One hundred percent fact you won’t.
Spend little time cursing the universe for your lack of sleep luck and spend more time doing something fun. For instance, if you have an app on your phone to record audio, set it on while you walk around the room whispering to your child to get them to go to sleep and then you have raw material for your own podcast!
With a little creative sound editing, you may be able to remove the crying in the background and start an ASMR channel as a side hustle to afford all those diapers.
The best toy for yourself
Parenting a small child will have its stressful moments. As for that frustration, get yourself a gaming system of your choice and a fighting/tactical game to play. Redirect that tired energy onto killing zombies—and not onto the little one. Stress relief, thy name is Player One.
I know this first dip into fatherhood seems daunting, dads-to-be. Although no two experiences are alike, following some of the recommendations will, at the very least, give yourself a head start. You got this. And when the time comes, take pause and enjoy that forgettable turkey and cheese sandwich. Bon appetit.
Josh Farnsworth is a national-award-winning parenting columnist who lives with his wife and two goofball sons. You can reach him for column ideas at josh.farnsworth@yahoo.com.
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