For the majority of couples, long-distance relationships are out of the question — particularly when children are added to the daily juggle. But many spouses across the nation are increasingly facing difficult decisions in a waning job market, and the number of couples choosing to adapt to what is coined a “commuter marriage,” in which spouses live apart due to work, is growing. In fact, a U.S. Census Bureau report from 2006 (the most recent available data) states that 3.6 million married Americans were living apart from their spouses, not including those who have legally separated.
It’s safe to say that since this survey, the number of couples opting to stretch their marriage coast to coast has risen due to the strained economy, job layoffs and the housing market’s recent decline, even in Dallas-Fort Worth (according to local home sales indexes). In 2007, Worldwide ERC, the relocation industry’s largest trade group, responsible for public policy, research and trend identification, found that three out of four relocation consultants reported handling a commuter marriage — an increase of 40 percent since 2003.
These statistics don’t surprise Dr. Steve Farmer, a licensed professional counselor and assistant professor at the University of North Texas’ Dallas campus. Farmer, who has dedicated his career to counseling individuals, couples and families, says he has several colleagues and friends who have, in recent years, decided to relocate to a different city or state, without their spouse, due to employment.
“If financially the job will benefit the overall quality of life for the family as a whole, a couple might decide that it’s worth the financial and emotional expense,” he says.
Yet, for some, accepting a long-distance job offer is not a choice, it comes down to necessity, explains Frisco mom of two Brandy Addison. Addison and her husband, Aaron, met while working for the U.S. Air Force. The couple, who, at the time, were living in Virginia, agreed that Addison would retire from the Air Force after the birth of their first son, Tyler, now age 4. After her retirement and Tyler’s arrival, the new mom struggled to find employment in Virginia.
“My commander told me about a job in Dallas at Raytheon, and it turned out to be a great opportunity and the money was right,” she says. “I knew it would be a very difficult transition, but financially it was the right choice for my family.”
Toting 7-month-old Tyler to Texas wasn’t easy for the mom, but Aaron’s frequent phone calls and monthly visits made the distance a little less straining. “Tyler was too young to talk on the phone, but I kept a lot of photos of Aaron around,” she explains. “The hardest part was saying goodbye — especially watching my husband say goodbye to Tyler. Tyler would cry and ask for daddy on the drive home from the airport, and that really took its toll on my emotions.”
Farmer adds, “I think people’s general assumption is that this agreement is negative and that it’s next to impossible for families to achieve balance. But many families make it work. In some cases, there are advantages. When you’re away you miss the positive interactions with your spouse, and, on the other hand, you miss out on those negative interactions.”
Dr. Graham Emslie, the Charles E. and Sarah M. Seay Chair in Child Psychiatry at UT Southwestern Medical Center, adds, “This [separation] can be a big stressor for kids. They are left with one parent who is usually pretty stressed as well.” Emslie also says parents should take care of themselves and their marriage so that they can set the example of stability for their kids.
The Worldwide ERC group reports that about one-fourth of employers who are relocating employees offer financial assistance to commuting couples, like paying for travel between two locations. Addison did not have this benefit, and, she says, maintaining two households began to take a financial toll.
Fortunately, Aaron rejoined his family in Frisco after a year and a half, retiring from the Air Force. “This transition was just as hard as separating,” says Addison. “I was used to running the household by myself, so it was a big adjustment to have him more involved in daily operations. At first, he felt as though he was a guest in our house.”
While Addison and her husband pulled through their commuter marriage — perhaps due to their military background and early-on understanding that a spouse may be deployed — other commuting couples experience the same frustration, stress and hardship created by long distances. “Sometimes this living arrangement becomes more stressful for the person who stays at home, particularly if there are children involved,” says Farmer. “The other person is distracted by the working environment and travel.” But, he adds, “the universal link between these couples is that they enter into this long-distance agreement with an end in sight. It’s temporary.”
