A friend of mine likes to sign off on his e-mails by saying, “When in doubt, hit a 5-iron.” Love that. Any golfer would. The 5-iron is the best, most dependable club in the bag. It has the perfect loft that allows you to hit from any lie on the course and still get a good impact when you most need it. All you have to do is trust your swing, and the 5-iron will do the rest.
I was thinking about this saying the other day when I read the following on a slick parenting website that documents an actual Parenting 101 curriculum: “If you are having trouble getting your child to do something when you ask, have him become a member of The First Time Club.”
Here’s one of their well-intended concepts:
"Make up a chart with 30 squares.
"Tell the child that each time he does something the first time he is asked, a happy face will be placed in a square. When all the squares are completed, he will earn a reward.
"Mutually agree on the reward. For younger children, you can place a picture of the reward on the chart, or for older children you can write it on the chart.
"Then practice with the child how he is to behave. 'Each time I ask you to do something, I want you to: (1) Use good eye contact, (2) Listen quietly, (3) Say Ok, I will ____, then (4) Do it.' Practice this, making a number of requests.
"Then start the program.
“Be sure to praise him for each success during practice as well as when the program starts. By the time the squares are filled, he will have developed a new habit. When he completes the program, provide the reward immediately. Take the chart down and let him have it as part of the reward. Continue to use praise and encouragement to make sure this new habit remains and becomes even stronger.”
Now please return from fantasyland where chocolate streets are surrounded by lollipops and marshmallows. It’s the land in which ideas like the above are about as likely to work as the new Zumba dance DVD I just purchased. Let us continue.
Never allow your children to sleep in your bed.
Never punish your children with spanking.
Never live through your children.
Never contradict the other parent.
Never let your children run the house.
Ok, pop-quiz hot shot: Of the preceding five so-called rules of good parenting, how many have you smashed to smithereens?
The noted philosopher Mike Tyson once said that everyone has a plan until they get punched in the nose. While Iron Mike isn’t exactly Dr. Spock, this line is as on-target as one of his famous uppercuts. When our first was born, we did everything by the book. For at least one whole week. I was the first to fumble when I failed to properly sanitize the pacifier after it flew out of my daughter’s mouth for the 7,001st time that day.
When the firstborn would cry, the book says let her wail it out no matter how long it takes. Never pick her up or you’ll set a terrible precedent. That lasted 10 minutes. Another book says to guard against her electrocuting herself by blocking all outlets in the house when she begins to crawl. Really, has this happened to anyone? If so, I apologize, but it seems as likely as me winning the Heisman.
The book says to find out about your child’s gender before she’s born so you can paint the room, buy the baby clothes and pick the perfect trendy name. Why would anyone do that? The baby sleeps next to you in your room in her crib because you’re so freaked about them breathing, so there’s plenty of time for all that other stuff after they’re born. And why would you ruin the best day of your life by knowing the gender beforehand?
The point of all this is that there’s no book, website, blog, Twitter feed or app that could possibly capture parenting. Parenting is all about feel. Kids pop out, look up and immediately head off in unique directions. And no course map exists that will chart that path. You just have to trust your instincts, trust your swing. And when in doubt, hit a 5-iron.
Rudy lives in Flower Mound, works in Fort Worth and plays everywhere in between. He has one wife, one daughter, one son, one published book, one obsession with sports and 20 million observations on marriage and children. Follow him on Twitter: Manifesto10.
