How to Talk to Your Kids About Tragedies

When tragedy strikes close to home—like the recent floods devastating parts of Texas which claimed over 100 lives, including children from North Texas—children are often left with big emotions and even bigger questions. Whether they’ve seen images on the news, heard about it from friends or family, or have been directly impacted, kids of all ages feel the effects of crisis in ways adults may not immediately recognize.

As parents, it can be difficult to know what to say, how much to share, or how to help children process events that are scary or confusing. To offer guidance, we spoke with Dr. Stevie Puckett- Perez, pediatric psychologist at Children’s Health and assistant professor at UT Southwestern Medical Center, about how families can support their children through conversations about tragedy—with honesty, compassion, and reassurance.

A Parent’s Response Varies by Child’s Age

DFWChild: What’s the best way to address this tragedy with a child and how does that differ by age?  

Dr. Stevie Puckett-Perez: How much information parents share about devastating tragedies will depend on a few factors; including how close a child is to victims impacted by a tragedy, their age and developmental level, how much exposure they have to the news and updates and their own level of interest or unique needs.

Generally, the younger the child, the more exposure or news should be limited. Very young children do not have the cognitive lens to understand these events, and it can lead to fear and anxiety.

School-aged children tend to want and be ready for more information and are also more likely to hear about current events from peers, caregivers and other community members.

Initiate Conversations with Your Child

SPP: As such, it’s important for parents to initiate conversations, open up a line of connection and create a safe space to process. The easiest way to do this is to simply ask, “What have you heard about the event?”

Allow them to share what they know and ask them what they want to know about it. Parents and caregivers can fill in the gaps or correct any misinformation they may have heard.

For most children, information about these terrible events is best processed through parents or a trusted adult rather than watching or reading news, which may be too graphic.

However, for older children and teens who cope better with more information, watching the news alongside parents or caregivers may be a reasonable option. It is helpful to debrief afterward and talk about their thoughts and feelings.

Reassure with Honesty

DFWChild: How can we be honest with our children about the seriousness of natural disasters—and death and dying—without scaring them?  

SPP: When children learn of disasters and tragedies, it’s normal for their first response to be, “Could that happen to me?” Children have a basic need to feel safe, and they want reassurance.

However, it’s important to avoid promising that similar events could never happen. Instead, provide basic and neutral education about natural disasters and tragedies, acknowledge that there are some things in the world that are out of our control, and focus on the pieces that can be controlled.

Talk About Safety Plans

SPP: Families can have a response plan or safety plan in place; families can identify which adults or people in their lives will actively work to keep them safe and identify who to go to for help in a given situation. Feeling like they know what to do and they know that there are people thinking about and planning for their safety helps kids not be as scared or worried.

Name the Feelings

DFWChild: How can we encourage children to share their feelings or fears? And how should we respond?  

SPP: When parents have these conversations with children, it’s helpful to avoid assuming that they feel a specific way. It’s better to start the conversation with open-ended questions, like, “What feelings come up for you when we talk about this? What worries do you have?”

Giving a name or label to feelings can help us to make sense of them. This skill is often referred to as “name it to tame it.” Simply naming a feeling aloud is an incredibly powerful tool.

Encourage children to label their feelings. If this is something they struggle with, parents can label their feelings or reflect on their thoughts as they notice them. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling worried, or maybe a little scared.”

Ideas on What to Say

SSP: Model feeling labeling and expression by walking through it aloud yourself. “When I hear this news, it makes me feel really big sadness. My heart hurts for the victims and their families. I feel scared when I think about something like that happening again. I also feel grateful that our family is safe right now.”

It’s OK to acknowledge that we can feel lots of different ways at the same time. When children share difficult feelings, it is important to show interest and openness, with soft and attentive body language, and allow them the space to talk it out. Normalize hard feelings. “That’s really hard, I feel that way sometimes too.”

Don’t Dismiss Their Worries

SSP: Do not minimize their hard feelings with assurances such as, “Oh, you don’t have to worry that,” or “That won’t happen to you, don’t even think about that.”

While it might be a natural reaction as parents to try to fix the child’s feelings and make them feel good, it is better to make them feel heard and as though no feelings are too hard or bad for them to bring to us. We can handle it with them.

Filter Their Intake of News Coverage

DFWChild: What tips can you offer on managing children’s exposure to news coverage?  

SPP: Consider both a child’s age and stage as well as their learning style. Are they someone who does well with more information and detail, or do they get overwhelmed or scared with more information?

Most children will do best with their exposure to these tragedies being somewhat filtered through trusted adults. This often means limiting news or social media access for younger children, and for older children or teens or watching a trusted news source together so you can help them to make sense of or process what they’re learning.

Older children and adolescents are almost certainly going to hear about these events from peers and others, so taking a proactive approach and reviewing information together is best.

Then, frequently check in: about new things they are hearing to correct any misinformation and provide support for thoughts or feelings that arise from those exposure experiences.

Stick with Routines to Manage Your Child’s Anxiety

DFWChild: How can parents help alleviate anxiety that might stem from this tragedy? 

SPP: Don’t underestimate the power of routine, especially for younger children. In an uncertain and scary world, it can be incredibly reassuring when our day-to-day routines are predictable, constant and safe. Parents may not be able to control what happens in the world, but they can control our bedtime routines, normal family time, eating meals together at regular times and other routine activities.

Going through the motions of predictable daily life in the same way we typically would says to a child, “You are safe.” Getting back to the basics of self-care, routines and general wellness is a good first step. 

Be Open to Repeat Conversations

DFWChild: What are some outlets to offer children for grief or worries?

SPP: It’s helpful to circle back to meaningful connections and check-ins by opening up conversations about feelings and thoughts frequently. Kids often need to process the same feelings or have the same conversation multiple times.

Process Through Age-Appropriate Activities

SPP: In addition to talking it out, expressing grief or hard feelings through journaling, age-appropriate books and shows, music, art, “playing it out” with dolls and toys and intentional movement all can be helpful. Spiritual or cultural rituals, such as prayer, memorials and other traditions for honoring victims can provide a positive outlet for grief.

Give Your Kid a Mission

SPP: One of the biggest feelings to arise in these terrible situations is helplessness. Some outlets for processing this feeling include finding age-appropriate ways to help, give back, or offer support to the community. This wonderful generation of children and teens thrives when they are helping and making a difference, and they have so much to offer.

Finding ways for them to serve, such as writing cards, making care packages, gathering donation funds, etc. can provide a sense of power and agency in a tragic and uncertain environment.

RELATED: How to Help Texas Flood Victims & Disaster Relief Efforts

Find a Counselor to Talk Through More

SPP: Additionally, having a therapist or counselor hold a safe space for processing anxiety, worries and fears is a great tool. Therapy can build on a child’s strengths and skills and is not only for serious mental health needs. At this time, there are therapy resources all around the community and state ready to serve families.

Free Counseling Services for Those Impacted by the Texas Floods

These counselors and organizations are offering free mental health support:

• Children’s Health, Dallas: Free behavioral health services on its virtual platform through August 31 for anyone impacted by the floods. Download the app on the Apple Store or Google Play and use code TXFLOOD through August 31.

• The Bug and Bee, Fort Worth: offering free counseling for affected children and parents. Call 817/523-1519.

• The Housson Center, Dallas: Free counseling services to the children and families that have been impacted by the flooding, including group therapy sessions, individual therapy for Camp Mystic counselors and campers, or anyone in need of emotional support.

• WellNest Counseling, Farmers Branch: Free therapy sessions for individuals and families affected by the storm; virtual and in-person. Call or text 214/471-5058.

RELATED: Find Mom-Approved Counselors near you on DFWChild’s directory