In this column, our resident humor writer cooks up a highly logical quiz to help screen candidates for a new babysitting gig.
There is something magical about having kids around to breathe youthful life into a home. Their energy. Their relative innocence (to a point; I see you, teenagers). Their presence is something else. But, fellow parents, you know what else is magical? You can say it. Go ahead … Sometimes, a few hours away from these children? (Chef’s kiss.)
Now look, we love them. Absolutely. And sometimes, to maximize that relationship, a night out is not only called for but downright necessary for the mental health of parents. Don’t believe me? After spending days on end with them, raise your hand if you don’t feel even a little thrill hiding in the bathroom for 15 minutes to escape. (Put that hand down, liar.)
Sometimes you need that time away. And I’m lucky enough to have retired parents, other relatives and close friends with kids of the same age all within a very short drive. But for others, especially on short notice, the world of babysitters is needed.
The prospect of even looking for a babysitter makes me tired. Where would I even start? In my research, it seems babysitting apps are all the rave in 2025. The problem? When I say there are hundreds of apps, I mean hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds upon … well, you get the point.
Perhaps my boys would enjoy the experience that comes with having someone new observe two goofballs in their natural habitat. Maybe, but how do you screen for such a person? It seems parents typically screen using resumes, noted referrals and even Yelp reviews.
(Side note: Many three-star reviews had a laundry list of major problems. What does a one-star review look like? Likely the sitter committing multiple felonies or hiding all the TV remotes. You know, unforgivable things.)
Nope. Not for my kids. So if you are new to the babysitting game, consider this homemade questionnaire to help you organize potential candidates to maximize your kids’ boss for a couple hours:
1: How handy are you with a LEGO set?
A. I’m a certified contractor with many tall LEGO buildings in my name (please provide photo evidence, so my kids can be wowed for the next 3 hours) – 100 points
B. I’ve been known to build a square car or two (that’s how mine come out, at least) – 50 points
C. Not sure. I have limited exposure to the toy (not anymore, rookie) – 10 points
2. What topics are you prepared to discuss with my dudes for hours?
A. The awesomeness of big cats (If you are a diehard fan of lions, my youngest may not let you leave) – 100 points B. Harry Potter (Add 25 points if Gryffindor or Ravenclaw are your favorite houses) – 75 points
C. Politics. (Nope. Thanks for playing.) – Negative 100,000 points.
3. How much screen time do you plan to use while watching the kids?
A. None (You are brave) – 50 points
B. Just a little (Careful, it’s like letting them eat just one chip) – 50 points
C. A generous amount (Your popularity with my kids will increase by 40 percentage points) – 40 points
D. I live inside my phone (At this point, with no eye contact, I may as well let the coat rack babysit) – 0 points
4. What is your philosophy on punishment if they act up?
A. Look the other way – 0 points (Need to establish yourself)
B. A stern talking to – 40 points (Will they listen? I hope.)
C. Extended timeout – 50 points (Sometimes a few minutes in kid-jail restores the law)
D. Drill sergeant level vibes – 10 points (Unless my kids end up in one of those scared straight prison reform programs)
5. Please check the following if it applies to you …
A. CPR certified – 200 points
B. Multiple sitting jobs for my kids’ age range – 150 points
C. Flexibility to work with less than 24 hours’ notice – 100 points
D. Can recite Star Wars scenes from memory – 175 points (165 if it is from the prequels)
Once this questionnaire is answered, score these prospective sitters accordingly to see who has earned the right to watch your goofballs once every other month. Good luck. Whoever ends up winning the prize, I hope you get to enjoy a refreshing night out, so you can recharge those batteries and be ready to reconnect with that magical feeling. You know, until you need to hide in the bathroom again.
Josh Farnsworth is a national-award-winning parenting columnist who lives with his wife and two goofball sons. You can reach him for column ideas at josh.farnsworth@yahoo.com.
