As a parent, sometimes it seems like there are no right answers—especially when it comes to a kid who wants to quit. Whether it’s an extracurricular activity, a tough class or a new hobby, quitting and sticking with it can both be important life lessons. So how do you balance your child’s happiness with also building resilience and rising to challenges? How do you raise a kid who feels confident in their own decision making, even if you think they’re about to make a big mistake? It’s a tough balance.
My middle daughter plays soccer. She’s a midfielder, and she’s really good at it. She’s wiry but physical, and has a knack for breaking ankles, as the kids say. She asked to start playing when she was 5, before any of her sisters played. She even asked to play on indoor teams in the off-season, which we dutifully found and signed her up for. But now, one year away from being able to try out for high school, she’s decided she’s done with soccer. “It’s not fun anymore,” she told us, and that is all she’s said about it.
Why Kids Quit
No one wants to raise a quitter, but there are certainly healthy reasons for kids to want to quit something. When kids first start out, sports and other hobbies are often parent or sibling driven—they do soccer, choir, dance or band because a parent had an interest or because their friends or siblings did. Sibling rivalry or the desire to play with friends can work as the external motivator for a while before they don’t have anything in common with those friends anymore, or maybe the desire to compete with or impress an older sibling goes away.
If an entire family is really into an activity, kids might diverge from it just to be different, get noticed, or to have their own thing, says Chris Hayden, vice president and boys’ academy director for FC Dallas Youth Soccer. “There are kids that decide to rebel and just say, ‘I’m not going to do that. I don’t want to continue to be compared to my sister or my older brother. I want to play the flute or I want to run track, or I want to be in gymnastics or dance or whatever.’”
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And sometimes kids just burn out, even if it’s an activity they really love. Hayden said this can be common in kids’ sports, where nonstop play and intense competition can keep it from being fun. “Until the age of 10, it really should be 100% about fun and at no point should it be about anything else,” he says.
Children might also want to quit an activity because other kids are better than they are, or they feel intimidated, but this can be a teachable moment, even if they don’t stick with it in the long run. “You have a lot of moments in your life on the field and off the field where things aren’t going super well or very difficult. If a player can develop tools of how to work through some of those challenges, then I think it is of benefit whether they quit later or not. If they’ve worked through some of these things, they’re going to be better equipped.”
And sometimes it’s as simple as they’ve found a new interest or just want some free time. And that’s perfectly OK.
When to Quit
Frisco mom Ashley Peebles says she would let her kids step away from an activity “when it’s clear they’re giving their best effort and still don’t excel, and it’s taking a mental toll on them. Making them continue is a waste of their time and talent that can and should be applied elsewhere.”
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But there’s a right way to quit. Encourage your child to finish out their commitment before walking away from an activity; that means finishing out a season or lessons they’ve signed up for. Kids need to understand that team sports and activities like band and dance are dependent on everyone showing up, and that quitting can affect the whole group.
It’s worth having a conversation with kids about what sports, lessons or hobbies cost, how long it lasts, and what the commitment is, and making sure they agree to that. Put it in terms they can understand: Soccer lasts from the start of school until Halloween. Are you sure you want to play that whole time? Or, are you willing to practice cello for three days a week if we do lessons? Let’s put that in the calendar and you can pick the days you want to practice.
But if your child is responding to an activity in a way that’s out of the norm—unusually over-the-top complaining or even having a physical reaction like a stomachache—pay attention. “That would be a point for a parent to say, OK, maybe this is not the best thing for them,” says Cinda McDonald, child-life therapist for Baylor Scott and White Health.
Mom Guilt
Sometimes when kids move on from an activity, it’s harder on Mom and Dad than on the child. How many times do you pass cars on the highway with kids’ team sports stickers on them? Soccer mom, swim mom, baseball mom, gymnastics mom—being associated with an activity can quickly go from a pastime to a lifestyle.
“I think sometimes as parents we may get ourselves too involved and start living a little vicariously through our kids.”
This can make their decision to walk away tough to swallow. If your kid spends seven years playing baseball, how can they just quit? What about all that time money, friendships, skill, and progress they built? “I think sometimes as parents we may get ourselves too involved and start living a little vicariously through our kids,” says Dallas mom Kristine Tawater. “I think you have to step back and say, ‘Am I upset because she wants to quit or am I upset because I am going to miss it?’”
It can be hard to let them quit if we see how successful they could be if they keep going. McDonald says her sister went through something similar with her boys, when one who had played baseball all his life and was being scouted said he was done. “She had to give herself time to grieve,” she says. “That’s probably a really hard thing for parents to overcome when it is something they’re so invested in.”
Letting Go
At the heart of it, we as parents don’t want our kids to look back at their lives and have regrets. But there is tremendous power in giving your child all of the information and allowing them to make a choice. “If they make the choice and nobody’s putting that additional stressor on them, they don’t feel regret and resentment about not having done it,” says McDonald.
5 Ways to Encourage Healthy Interests
- Make sure your child understands the length of season.
- Learn all you can about the costs involved at all levels.
- Don’t base participation on how talented or skilled you think your child is compared to other kids.
- Have conversations about how they enjoy the activity and what they are learning.
- Don’t compare siblings’ performances.
Top image: Sean Parsons, iStock
