“Help! My kid says they’re fat.” How should parents respond? In this new, monthly column, DFWChild is covering topics important to parents tackling everyday mental health issues with their children, giving them practical tools to help them grow into resilient, confident and kind kids. Giving us her professional advice is Kate Jennings, LPC-S, a DFWChild Mom Approved counselor at The Bug and Bee in Fort Worth.
Kate Jennings: In my 11 years as a licensed professional counselor, I have heard children as young as 3 years old comment on their body shape or size, and it truly breaks my momma heart. While your first instinct may be to reply, “What! You’re not fat! Who said that?!” reactions like this may actually work against you, contributing to your child’s belief that fat is bad or worrisome.
Any time your child is brave enough to open up and talk about his or her feelings, I want you to first respond with empathy and understanding—even if you don’t agree. You can help your child know it is OK to feel this way by saying something like, “Gosh, I’m so sorry you feel that way. I feel sad when I hear you talk about your body like that. I am so glad you are talking to me about this. Let’s talk more.”
Conversations around body image are important for both boys and girls; boys are just as likely to fall into this negative thought spiral. You can start the conversation by explaining what fat is, in kid-friendly language.
For this, I consulted my friend, Lauren Williams, a pediatric registered dietitian. She suggests: “We don’t use the word ‘fat’ to describe something or somebody. Fat is something that’s found in our food. We need fat in our food because it gives us energy. It lets us soak up vitamins and nutrients and all the good things our body needs to work well and stay healthy. We also store fat on our body for an important job. It gives our bones padding if we fall so they don’t break! We can also use our body fat for energy if we get sick and aren’t able to eat much that day. How cool is that?!”
Now that we’ve let our child know the word “fat” will no longer be used as an adjective in our house, we can dive deeper into the rest of our conversation and her “why.”
Ask your child, “Can you tell me more about why you’re feeling this way?” Your child’s answer to this may go one of several ways, so I’ve compiled a list of common answers, and how you can respond:
Child: “I tried to put on my jeans, but I couldn’t button them.”
Parent: “You have grown so much! You are much taller than last year. Do you think we need to go shopping for new fall clothes soon?”
Child: “I wanted to get on the tire swing with Natalie, but she said I would make it too heavy, and it would break.”
Parent: “I think it may be a safety alert for more than one kid to be on the tire swing at once. I wonder if y’all could take turns, instead?”
Child: “All of the other girls are skinnier than me.”
Parent: “We are all different shapes and sizes, right? We all have different skin tones, eye colors, hair colors. We are all made differently, and that’s what makes us unique! Unique means we are one of a kind and not like anyone else. There is only one you! What is something else about you that makes you unique?”
Child: “Avery said I’m fat.”
Parent: “Did you tell Avery how you felt when she said that? Maybe we can practice. Here, I’ll be Avery, and you be you. Can you make an I-feel sentence to tell her? ‘Avery, I feel [blank] when you say I am fat.’”
Once you know why your child thinks they are fat, you can work on challenging their stinkin’ thinkin’:
• “Tell yourself the truth—do you have fat on your body? Yes, of course, everyone does! We are supposed to have fat on our bodies! Remember all of those cool things I told you fat does for us?”
• “What would you tell your best friend if she told you she thought she was fat?”
• “Is it kind to tell yourself you are fat? Is it helpful? Is it true?”
You can end by focusing on some positive self-affirmations to help build up their self-esteem and confidence:
• “What do you think the best thing is about you?”
• “What is your favorite part of your body and why?”
• “We’ve talked about why you think you’re different than your friends—tell me what you and your friends have in common? What makes you all similar?”
As a general rule, I teach my children that we do not comment on anything about another person that they cannot change in 30 seconds or less. Someone can change the sesame seeds in her teeth or the dog hair on her sweatshirt, but she cannot change her body weight while sitting at carpool, so why point it out?
By opening the conversation with empathy, learning more about where your child is coming from, challenging their negative thoughts, and ending on a positive note, you are building trust with your child. They are learning they can come to you with their worries and that their feelings are valid and important. By problem-solving with them (not for them), you can help them develop the thinking skills they need to be successful.
Have a mental health question you’d like Jennings to answer? Submit yours here (or message us on Instagram @dfwchildmag or email editorial@dfwchild.com).
For more parenting tips and tricks from Kate, you can follow her Instagram @thebugandbee. To schedule your children with a therapist at The Bug and Bee, visit thebugandbee.com or email info@thebugandbee.com.
This column was originally published in November 8, 2024.
Images: iStock; courtesy of Kate Jennings
