The lifespan of our beloved pets—cats, dogs, hamsters, many more furry and scaly animals we come to love as family—often coincide with their death while our kids are still young. Processing this news can be difficult for a child. So how do we talk to our children about our pet’s death and help them cope?
For answers in this Sound Advice column, we reached out to Amy English, a DFWChild Mom-Approved Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director at Let’sTalk! Counseling in Carrollton, Texas.
Pets become important members of our families and losing one can be an extremely difficult and emotional time. For a lot of children, the loss of a pet is their first experience with death. While it is a challenging time, it also presents many opportunities for parents.
The explanation of the loss itself can be particularly hard for parents. In order to explain, it helps parents to know that toddlers, grade-schoolers, middle-schoolers and adolescents have different capabilities of understanding death and have various ways of grieving.
When explaining the loss, be as honest and age appropriate as you can. It is important to not make statements that are misleading or could create anxious thoughts. For example, telling a child that the pet was put to sleep could then lead your child into wondering if the pet will “wake up” or “what can I do to wake them up?” This can also lead children to worry that they can fall asleep and not wake up.
Depending on the circumstance under which your pet passes, you want to be as truthful as your child’s age allows. You can share about the process of euthanasia. You can share step by step, explaining that the pet is no longer in pain and that their body has stopped working. If your pet passes away suddenly, share information as appropriate, but also be aware not to place blame on others. These conversations may be uncomfortable and emotional.
Parents should allow themselves the ability to communicate and normalize these tough emotions. This can be used as an opportunity to develop coping skills for the child. One way to help cultivate these coping skills is to model emotions. It is a parent’s natural inclination to protect and make things easier for the child, however, this experience is one where you can create stronger family bonds through grieving.
Validating a child’s emotional range is important. Children may be sad one moment and move on the next. Allow your child to change emotions, but also be patient because you may be asked the same question several times for a long length of time to come. It may be helpful to create a narrative that you and your family can go back to both about the life and passing of your pet. Having your child be involved, such as creating a book filled with their drawings and pictures, can be therapeutic.
To help children cope, you can use imaginary play and engage with them. You can also create a scrapbook, have a family celebration of life, or plant a remembrance tree. Another coping strategy is a memory jar. This is where all members of the family write down a memory of the pet and place it in the jar. When someone in the family is missing the pet, the family reads the positive memory together.
Grief does not have a timeline and there is no wrong emotion behind it. You may want to make teachers or other adults in child’s life aware of the loss. It is also important while supporting your child to not forget you are grieving too.
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