As a special needs mom, so much can seem daunting. Sometimes even getting away for a night with friends feels impossible. I’m lucky that many people in my circle “get it.”
Case in point: Recently, a friend messaged me because she was planning a girls’ trip. One of her friends, whose son is autistic, was reluctant to join. She feared her son could be too much for her husband to handle alone. My friend, whose children are typically developing, texted me a question that made me think: “How can friends support their friends with children with special needs?”
I’ll admit that I am not always great about asking for help; sometimes I struggle to articulate what exactly it is I need. Many others may feel that way too. So here are some specific ways you can support parents with kids with special needs—and be a great ally and friend:
1) Get to know our kids: Make a genuine effort to make a connection. We get that it isn’t always easy, especially if our child is nonverbal. But it means the world to us—and our kids—if you make every effort to speak with and engage with them.
2) Foster an inclusive environment: Host our families or agree to come to our houses (just don’t judge the mess). Teach your children to be patient with ours. Accept us, warts and all, when our kids struggle. We’re much more able to relax if we know that we are safe and loved as we are.
3) Support our typically developing kid(s): One of the greatest things my friends can do for me when my son is having challenging behaviors is to offer to have my daughter over for a breather. This helps de-escalate her stress. Since having a special needs sibling can be challenging, every safe space made available makes a world of difference.
RELATED: Ways to Support Siblings of Kids with Special Needs
4) Keep on inviting us to get-togethers: Might we say no because life is crazy? Yes. But please keep trying. Special needs parenthood can be isolating, so knowing our friends are available when we are is a great comfort.
5) Be quick to listen… Sometimes, special needs mamas need a place to vent. Be willing to sit with us and our pain, even if it can be a lot to bear.
6) …and slow to speak. It’s human nature to want to offer solutions or advice when loved ones struggle. We are sure you mean well when you share that thing you saw on Facebook about a particular study. We know you only have positive intent when you tell us “God only gives you what you can handle” and other platitudes. But we have done all the research. We have had all the spiritual battles. Please choose your words carefully, as our hearts are very tender.
Are grand gestures nice? Certainly! But little actions go a long way. The best way to support special needs parents—or really, anyone—is to choose being present, helpful and consistent over being profound, heroic and dramatic. Consistent efforts to see and love our families are the best gifts we can receive.
This essay was originally published in March 2024 in our Special Needs newsletter. If you’d like to receive more parenting advice like this in your inbox, sign up at dfwchild.com/newsletter.
