When you have a child with special needs, you undoubtedly experience a variety of feelings. Overwhelm from all the doctors’ appointments and services. Stress from advocating for your child. Exhaustion from juggling it all. Extreme joy when your child makes progress. But what about your child without special needs? How does having a sibling with special needs impact them? What might they be feeling?
Shelby Dombroski, a special education facilitator for Grand Prairie ISD, has a sibling with special needs. She says kiddos in a similar family dynamic may feel protective of their sibling, jealous about how much time Mom and Dad give them and sometimes angry about a lack of attention.
And as your children get older, they may start to feel scared about eventually being their sibling’s caregiver, resentful about the world seeming to revolve around the sibling and even guilty for having these feelings, adds Raven Pritchett, services for students with autism coordinator for Grand Prairie ISD. Dombrowski and Pritchett are also the facilitators for the Grand Prairie ISD Sibshops, which offer support and social connections for siblings of children with special needs through the Sibling Support Project.
Siblings of children with special needs tend to grow up a little bit faster than their peers because of added expectations, roles and responsibilities, says Dombroski. While you likely don’t explicitly tell your kids to strive for any of the following, they may feel like they need to:
• Take care of their sibling—whether it’s helping them around the house or at school, sticking up for them with bullies or including them in social situations.
• Be perfect so they don’t cause Mom or Dad any added stress.
• Be overachievers because they may feel like there are much higher expectations put on them, Pritchett says.
• Regularly share the spotlight on special occasions (like school dances or even their wedding) and bring their sibling along on social outings.
“Being inclusive is just their world. They are such great teachers to other kids.”
The extraordinary upside
While growing up with a sibling with special needs comes with challenges, their experiences often lead them to become compassionate and empathetic at a young age. These children have an amazing world view and can make people feel welcome and loved, says Emily Millican, a licensed clinical social worker who practices at Terra Therapies in Fort Worth. “Being inclusive is just their world,” she says. “They are such great teachers to other kids in the world about what that looks like,” she says.
Courtney Morey is a Fort Worth mom of Wells, 5, and Annie, 3, founder of Annie Louise Foundation and the advocate behind @fancylikeannie on Instagram. Annie has Down syndrome, and Morey echoes that sentiment. “I’ll ask [Wells], ‘What about your sister is different?’ And he’s like, ‘she wears bows.’ He doesn’t see her disability, which is so beautiful because Annie’s just Annie to him, and that’s honestly how it is with a lot of the kiddos that are around me a lot.”
Children who have a sibling with special needs also develop the soft skills that are so important in adulthood, including gratitude, patience, flexibility, adaptability, determination and a calm demeanor in the face of challenges.
Supporting your typical child
While you may feel overwhelmed with ensuring your child with special needs gets the support and services they need, it’s equally important to remember your little ones without special needs require support, too. Here are some things you can do.
1. Establish open lines of communication. Explain to your child, in age-appropriate ways, why their sibling needs extra care and attention. Be sure to talk about their sibling’s needs and let them know they can talk to you about how they’re feeling or what they need—and that it’s always OK to ask questions.
2. Spend quality one-on-one time with your child. Meaningful connections with your little one strengthens their bond with you, boosts their self-esteem and helps with their development. It also shows your child that they’re just as important as their sibling. This one-on-one time doesn’t have to be extravagant; it can be as simple as reading books together at bedtime, going for a walk around the neighborhood or playing together for 10-15 minutes. It’s all about quality of time, not quantity.
3. Include your child in their sibling’s services, if possible. In the year after a heart surgery that Annie needed, almost all of her therapy was in-home, so Morey focused on involving Wells in the play-based therapies. “It wasn’t like, this is your sister’s time, you need to go in the other room and play or watch TV,” she says. “So I really tried to include him in those things and make it feel for him like we were just playing.”
4. Ensure your child has their own activities. “I was really grateful that my parents let me have outlets outside my house,” Dombroski recalls. “I had friend circles or groups that were just mine. …It gave me that outlet to know I’m important. I have my own time. I have my own life. I’m not defined by my sibling. I’m defined by who I am in my strengths and weaknesses.”
5. Find your community. “Another huge thing that I attribute to Wells’s well-being is the Down syndrome community. It’s just a really tight knit community, especially in DFW,” Morey says. She says Wells has made friends with other siblings of children with Down syndrome, so he has peers who have similar experiences.
6. Establish outside support for your child. Even if you’ve established open lines of communication with your child, they may not want to share their feelings. In fact, they may feel embarrassed by or ashamed of their feelings, Pritchett says. That’s why it’s important to find your child outside support to talk about and work through those feelings, whether it’s another trusted adult, like an aunt, uncle or family friend, or even therapy.
While these ideas are simple, they’ll have a lasting impact. In fact, giving your child this support will help them process and mitigate any negative feelings they’re experiencing, leading them to have an even better relationship with their sibling.
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