Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website at mrsmcveigh.com.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
Every year we drag my family over to my husband’s brother’s house for Thanksgiving. He is an OK guy, but his wife is not my favorite person. She is very self-centered, brags about everything, and talks non-stop about herself. I hate going over there also because they have a lot of breakables and I have four young children. If I hear my sister-in-law’s high-pitched “Do not touch!” I may scream too. I do my best to keep my four young children in line, but it is hard for my husband and I to run in every direction that they want to go in. I cannot exactly tell them they have to sit on the couch all day.
On another note, I always ask what [food] I can bring, and she will never tell me anything specific. Then she seems to get mad at what I do bring. Last year I brought an apple pie from a very nice bakery. She did not serve it for dessert. I was very confused to why she never offered it to anyone. Then as we were leaving, in front of the whole extended family, she handed it back to me and said, “Take this back. No one here is going to eat it.” I felt so humiliated and insulted!
My question is, would it be rude to tell me husband that we are not going over there this year? I know he hates it, too, but feels an obligation to his family. Help!
—Stressed and Insulted Wife and Mom
Dear Stressed Wife and Mom,
It is sad to say, but many Americans get stressed out and do not like going to their family’s houses for the holidays. We all feel obligated for so many reasons. I think that life is too short to spend time with people who you do not want to, but the majority of people feel like they have to spend time with their family during the holidays. I do not think it would be rude to tell your husband that you do not want to spend Thanksgiving with his family. However make sure you approach the subject in a gentle way. Even if he agrees with you that his sister’s behavior is terrible, he will more than likely be defensive because it is his family. If he insists that you continue to spend the day with them, here are some suggestions.
Have you tried inviting them to your house for Thanksgiving? You have four children and getting them out the door is tough, so asking them to come to you is very reasonable.
If that is not an option, when I am in a situation where I do not like talking to the people I am forced to be with, I focus on my children the whole time. Your “excuse” is that they have items in the house that cannot be touched, and you are playing with your kids to ensure nothing gets damaged. You will get to dodge unpleasant conversations, (hopefully dodge cleaning the dishes), and you will have fun spending time with your children. It will make the time go by faster and make it less dreadful and confrontational.
Another idea is, if it is at possible, bring bikes or a wagon, some balls, and walk to a park if there is one close by, or even just down the street. Even if it is cold, bundling up and doing something outside is typically something that children love to do! And it will tire them out and make them want to take a nap, or at least sit on the couch longer.
You also mentioned that she gave back your pie. That is so insulting and rude. If someone brings you a gift such as food, the hostess should ask if she can serve it that day. If a hostess does not ask you this question, then let them know. You can say, “I brought this for dessert.” Or you can say, “This is something that I thought you could enjoy tomorrow. It is a small thank you for inviting us over.” If the hostess does not put out what you brought, then simply ask if she would like you to put it out. If she says no, and then tries to give it back when you are leaving, I would say, “This is something that I gave you as a thank you.”
Good luck this Thanksgiving holiday. I hope you are able to spend a peaceful day without your in-laws, or at the very least implement some of these suggestions so you can have a happy Turkey Day.
—Mrs. McVeigh
This column was originally published in November 2023.
RELATED: Mrs. McVeigh’s Manners: Terrible Table Manners
Top image: iStock
