Elise McVeigh writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you have any etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
I have three children: two boys and a girl. They range in age from 9–14. I am having a really big problem with how they are all dressing and their overall grooming habits. Being well-groomed will obviously never go out of style (such as showering, brushing teeth, wearing deodorant, etc.). These are all things that my children are struggling with, for whatever reason.
Then there is the issue of facial hair. Facial hair has made a big comeback, and I personally do not think it has come back in such a positive way! I told my oldest son that just because he can grow facial hair, it does not mean that he should. You should see how they dress! I have told them that wearing a T-shirt and jeans or gym shorts is not acceptable in most situations. They think that this is the way they should all dress all of the time. Our battles over all of this have gotten so bad that they now all call me the “Appearance Police.”
Overall I really miss them being little and dressing them appropriately. And they used to smell really good and clean. Please help me on what to tell them from an etiquette point of view. Or tell me if I am being overly critical and sensitive on how they are dressing. Maybe my kids are right that the world has changed, and I am stuck in the past.
Sincerely,
—Appearance Police Mom
Dear Appearance Police Mom,
Teaching young people how to dress appropriately for different occasions has always been a struggle for parents. In this post-COVID world, it is getting harder to tell young people that dressing casually in various situations is unacceptable. And when they see people wearing pajamas and “house shoes” or slippers at the grocery store, they think that dressing so casually is the norm.
How do we teach our children that their appearance is important? On the grooming side, give them reasons that they care about. For example, you can say that they will not have any friends if they do not wear deodorant and smell good. Their teeth will turn black if they do not brush them. People they are attracted to will not want to go out with them if they do not brush, trim, and style their hair. Give any reasons that you think will resonate with your child to get them into good grooming habits. Pre-teens and teens are very about themselves, so speak their language and appeal to what they value.
As for how to dress, give them choices on what to wear so they feel in control. Of course the trick is to give them several choices that you are comfortable with. You can even go through their closet with them and section off their clothing by occasion. You can give them a section for church or temple, another for school, one for hanging out with friends. Be very matter of fact about the sections so they know that it is non-negotiable.
Also, once again appeal to what they value. You can say, “This would look amazing in a social media pic! You should wear this to your friend’s party this weekend!” Or “Thank you for picking something out for temple that is dressier and more conservative. Your grandparents will be there and will really appreciate that. As soon as you get home, you can put on whatever you want.”
Your children’s appearance will always be a battle. It is part of them growing up and testing their boundaries.
—Mrs. McVeigh
This column was originally published in September 2023.
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