Elise McVeigh, CEO of Mrs. McVeigh’s Manners, writes a monthly manners advice column for DFWChild. If you haveany etiquette questions, email them to mrsmcveighsmanners@gmail.com and she might answer them in her next column. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube.
Dear Mrs. McVeigh,
I have two very social children who both have a set circle of friends. A lot of the parents of the students in both groups get together for coffee, lunch, dinner and parties. My husband and I have a different set of friends and do not try to be included. My mom, sister and some other friends are worried that my husband and I are not part of these parent groups. They think that we need to be more connected with the parents so we can keep a better eye on what the kids are doing.
I think all of the parents are good people, or else I would not let my children hang out with their children. But I do not necessarily want to spend time with them. Do you think that we need to spend more time with these other parents so we can be in the loop? Our critics are making us feel like terrible parents.
Thank you for your advice.
—Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I do not think you are terrible parents. If you do not like to socialize with certain people, then that is your prerogative. I have a lot of friends who I have made through my children, and now our kids are not even friends anymore. Kids are often fickle when it comes to making friends, so keeping up with every parent would be quite the challenge.
Life is too short to spend time with people you do not love being around, so only spend time with the people you want to be friends with.
However, I do agree that being in communication with your children’s friends’ parents is beneficial. You can check in with them often to confirm that you are all on the same page of what the kids’ plans are. This can be done through a quick phone call or text, and does not have to be coffee, dinner or any kind of close friendship.
There are so many ways of making sure that you know who your children’s friends are, and what kind of household your child may be walking into.
First, go with your gut when it comes to people’s family dynamics and situations. If parents are the life of the party or seem laid back when it comes to their kids, I am always on alert when I let my kids get together with their kids. At any age, there are issues that can come up. When children are young, if they are not well-supervised then someone could end up hurt or in danger. A little older, you have to be concerned about kids treating each other with respect and not ganging up on each other.
When electronics are introduced, you need to be concerned that children could get on inappropriate websites or play too-mature video games. Then when they are teens, be careful of get-togethers of kids who may be interested in dating each other. We always encouraged our children to spend time with friends in spaces that we could see. And we never let people of the opposite sex upstairs, where the bedrooms are located.
Different people have very different parenting styles, so if you do not feel like someone has rules in their household that should be in place, then encourage that friend to go to your house. There is nothing wrong with calling a parent and asking them specific questions about what your child will be doing when spending time at their house and how much supervision that there will be while they are there.
Also, just because an adult is home, do not assume that they are monitoring your child’s activity. A lot of parents are fine letting their kids and their friends hang out in a friend’s room and do not check on what they are doing.
Asking a lot of questions and going with your instincts are the best ways to handle your child’s social life. To do this, you do not need to spend a lot of time with their friends’ parents.
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Top image: iStock; second image courtesy of Elise McVeigh
