Adults understand varying degrees of untruth. We know white lies are usually harmless and can get us out of awkward moments. Lies of omission can help save our skin in an emergency. And, we know that if and when we’re caught lying, there is always the possibility of verbally maneuvering our way out of trouble. Like it or not, for most of us, lying becomes all too easy when we’re in a tight spot and at a loss for words.
But just because we have no problem telling an acquaintance she looks like she’s “lost weight” (even if she hasn’t) or, conversely, leaving out the all the details of a night on the town to our spouse, what kind of message do these half-truths and fibs send to our kids? Years of conditioning tell us when certain lies are acceptable, even necessary to preserve someone’s feelings, but children do not know how to distinguish between a lie that is malicious and one that is well intentioned.
“That’s an adult thing that we’re asking kids to do. Adults have the ability to filter out the fact from the fiction, but our kids bite off the whole bar,” says Chuck Borsellino, PhD, PsyD and author of Pinocchio Parenting: 21 Outrageous Lies We Tell Our Kids.
It is Borsellino’s contention that we are harming our children by addressing their issues and problems with little more than age-old clichés — what he calls Pinocchio Parenting — such as:
• “You can be anything you want to be.”
• “Looks don’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
• “It’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how your play the game.”
These platitudes seem innocuous enough, but Borsellino says they are often unrealistic and set kids up for disappointment unnecessarily.
For you, being pegged a Pinocchio Parent means damaging your credibility as a mom or dad. The deeper the level of trust, the greater the damage a lie can do to the parent-child relationship, he says. For your child, this can mean broken spirits, a false sense of reality and even resentment.
“One thing to consider is that the parents really want to believe that ‘their kids can be anything they want’ and all the other messages,” says Janell Myers, PhD, a counselor in Dallas. But, rather than throwing a tired old cliché at a situation, she says it is always preferable to be realistic with kids. Give them the opportunity to have some childhood fantasies, but encourage them to change their dreams if they need to. Although Pinocchio Parenting won’t likely scar a child for life, Myers says being able to discuss doubts or hurt feelings will have a better effect than a trite offering of, “Life isn’t always fair.”
So is it possible to undo the damage caused by our pseudo-truisms? Yes, says Borsellino. It’s a matter of taking ownership and rephrasing what you tell your kids.
A little more honesty may seem uncomfortable, but it will make a big difference. Finding solutions together that are real may not be easy, but honest advice speaks louder than cliché.
