If the thought of having “The Talk” makes you want to run and hide from your inquiring youngster, you might want to think twice about avoiding the conversation. According to Dr. Sharon Maxwell, a Boston-based clinical psychologist and expert offering local presentations and curriculum based on her book The Talk: What Your Kids Need to Hear From You About Sex, the average child has heard about sex by age 8 – and, if they didn’t hear about it from you, they’ve likely heard about sex from their playground peers.
“During a car ride on the way home from my 7-year-old son’s school, I was stunned when he asked, ‘Mommy, what’s a hooker?’” describes Maxwell. “He had overheard kids on the playground discussing a videogame in which players receive sexual rewards.” Despite her best attempts to educate her son about human reproduction, he experienced something that is becoming more common in the younger set, according to Maxwell. “Our cultural environment is connecting sexuality to entitlement and violence,” she says.
With today’s generation of kids, “The Talk” is more than just discussing the birds and the bees, it should include age-appropriate discussions about your family’s values, as well as sexual desire.
Set the Stage
Sex is never an easy topic to discuss with an inquisitive child. But, explains Maxwell, the No. 1 mistake parents make when it comes to sex education is avoiding the conversation. “It’s irresponsible to skirt around this topic,” Maxwell says. “Get in there first and talk about sex in ways that your child can understand. This doesn’t mean that you have to provide every detail – let them set the pace with their inquiries. Follow their line of questions. If they’re ready, then talk.”
Just because you may think a topic is too graphic or gross for your child to hear about doesn’t mean that you should ignore it completely. If a child is inquiring about baby-making, word your reply in a kid-friendly way, such as “Babies are made from a special kind of love that you’ll understand when you’re a grownup.” Maxwell adds, “If your child repulses at the idea of sex, explain to them that it’s normal for them to think this way because they’re still a child.”
While discussing sex, it’s also important for parents to establish boundaries with their youngster. Maxwell says, “Talk to them about what is a private matter, and explain why. It’s OK to say, ‘Different families have different ways of talking about this, so it’s not something you should talk about with your friends.’”
Answering their inquiries in age-appropriate ways will set the tone for the years to come. “If parents start this ongoing conversation – it’s not a one-time event, it’s a process – then kids will know that they can come back to the parent and ask questions,” says Dr. Robert Littlefield, a licensed psychologist and family therapist belonging to the American Association of Sex Educators who operates the Family Psychology Institute of Dallas.
The Next Step
After you and your little one tackle the facts of reproduction, don’t fail to discuss the concept of desire. This topic, according to Maxwell, is one that will help your child navigate the highly sexualized American culture. “It’s not enough to just teach what sex is; kids need guidelines for what to do with their sexuality. Parents can link sexuality with desire and self-discipline,” says Maxwell.
How might you do this, particularly with a young child? “Talk to them about anger. If something happens to them that makes them angry, explain that they have to hold back their anger and not lash out at a friend or a parent. Talk about what it’s like when they have to hold back their anger – it’s here that you can introduce desire,” Maxwell advises. “Tell them that just because they have a desire [to lash out at someone], it doesn’t mean that they have to act on it. Whether the child realizes it or not, you’re setting the stage for self-discipline.”
In this situation, parents should also remember that they have the power to establish their family’s ethical framework when it comes to sex. Maxwell adds, “Talk to them about your family’s values – you’re endowing them with a lens through which they will view these topics in the cultural environment.”
Our environment, acknowledges Littlefield, is one that’s flooded by sexual concepts and, in many instances, driven by sexual desire. “Kids will encounter things that parents don’t know about just through their experiences with other kids,” says Littlefield. “Talking about how sex is portrayed in our society is an absolutely necessary extension from your primary conversation.”
Maxwell details, “We’re living in a stream of pop culture. Parents need to build their own little islands and create their own culture – one that excludes an early emphasis on sex. That’s a hard thing to do in a world of Miley Cyrus.”
Littlefield’s most valuable advice for parents when it comes to having “The Talk” is that sex education doesn’t comprise only one conversation. He adds, “You can’t just jump into the ocean of information if you haven’t first waded into the water.”
