During the holiday season, grief sometimes finds its way to the surface of a family’s mindset. Whether it’s remembering a story grandma once told or missing daddy’s Christmas pancakes, the turning of another calendar year can mean added stress and feelings of sadness for children.
One out of seven kids will experience the death of a loved one by age 10, according to Plano’s Journey of Hope Grief Support Center. And while dealing with the loss of a friend, family member or even a longtime pet can be taxing on an adult’s emotional well-being, navigating grief poses an even greater challenge to children—especially kids younger than age 5 who might not fully understand the meaning of death. Parents can help grieving kids make the transition into a positive new year with these coping tips.
Finding a Talking Ground
Katie Hutchison of Dallas was 7 years old when her father was diagnosed with colon cancer. After her father lost his two-year battle with cancer, Katie couldn’t imagine how life could just go on. “I thought, I can’t be happy; I can’t play with friends. So I got really bored and was sad about what happened to my dad,” the 11-year-old explains.
Even though they had endured the pain and loss together, Katie’s mom, Jenny, struggled to find a way to reach her daughter, but Katie was apprehensive to discuss her father’s death with her mom, thinking she might cause her mother more pain. “You think you can just say, ‘Tell me how you feel about your dad,’ but that really doesn’t work for kids,” Jenny says. “They freeze up and say, ‘I don’t want to talk about this.’”
According to Pat Scott, volunteer counselor at Dallas’ GriefWorks Center, communication is the first speed bump when it comes to helping a child deal with grief. It can be difficult for adults to find the words to describe what happened to a child, she explains.
Scott tragically lost her husband of 36 years in a 1994 robbery. Afterward, she had to explain the death of grandpa to her 3-year-old grandson (her other grandson was too young to comprehend). “We couldn’t tell my grandson; I just couldn’t share that violence with him,” she says. “We told him that grandpa went to a better place. But soon he began asking, ‘Why didn’t he take me?’”
After visiting with a counselor at GriefWorks, a grief support group for children operated by ChristianWorks in Dallas (where Scott now volunteers), a staff counselor pointed out the problem: “She told us that we hadn’t told my grandson enough of the truth,” Scott says. “After we had that discussion with my grandson (in an age-appropriate manner), I can see that he can handle grief—[but] kids can’t handle being lied to by their surviving family members.”
Working it Out
After establishing lines of communication with the coping child, it’s equally important to understand some of the child’s fears that have grown out of their state of grief. Scott, who, after her husband’s death, went on to receive a children’s grief counseling certification, says the next big hurdle—and one that will resurface often—is the child’s fear of displacement, or who’s going to take care of them. “They will feel very insecure and they might even ask [a surviving parent or relative] if he or she is going to die,” says Scott. “That person should reassure the child that you’re ‘planning on living’—you cannot promise that you’ll never leave this Earth. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but let the child know what your plans are,” Scott says.
Just like every other kid, a grieving child needs a routine—particularly during the holidays when stress levels can creep higher. “Give them a feeling of security,” says Scott. “Some kids may feel like they may betray their lost one by feeling happy, so it’s important to also assure the child that security can also include happiness.”
Kids who might be struggling to cope may act out at school, says Scott, who works with parents and guardians in a support group at GriefWorks. “They still need discipline and structure—just with a little more patience, given the circumstances,” she advises.
Your child should also know that he or she is not alone in grief, even if these feelings of sadness crop up years down the road (and they will, assures Scott). Reach out and find a setting where kids can communicate their grief to other kids, as well as counselors. “[Support groups] helped me to spend time with other people that were going through the same thing,” says Katie. “I found out that even though life may dent you, you can come back as a happy person.”
Scott says that talking about memories of lost loved ones may be emotionally difficult, but remembering the good times will make the holidays easier for everyone involved. “Sometimes it’s as simple as reading a story together, like Charlotte’s Web, which might trigger conversations about the death,” she explains. “More than anything, adults need to encourage and ensure that children know it’s OK to be happy.”
