Sure, you said “I do” on the day of your wedding. But weddings and the reality of marriage are two entirely different animals. Where one ends after you’ve tossed your bouquet, the other is supposed to last till death do you part. And that doesn’t mean killing each other in the process. If you are looking to maintain the spark, intimacy and encouragement in your marriage, nurturing and enriching your relationship actually comes down to a simple question: What have you done for your marriage lately?
Sumer Jordan, mother of two, is one busy mom who knows how to keep her marriage strong and keep up with her kids’ hectic schedules all at once. Jordan enjoys running with her husband and preparing for triathlons, which give them time, peace and a chance to challenge one another. She schedules dates with her husband whether it is going to the movies or out to eat. Jordan discovered that taking care of her marriage also improves her kids’ disposition. She says, “When my kids see me doing other things besides taking care of them all of the time, it makes them happier.”
If you are too tired to pen in couple time because your job or kids have taken away your date nights, it is time to reclaim it. “The best way to keep a marriage strong is by doing preventative work,” says Dr. Stephanie Burchell, a marriage and family therapist in Dallas.
Communication is a good place to start. If the only sounds you hear are your 3-year-old crying or your preteen’s iPod playing, it is time to hear the sounds that really matter. This means actively listening to what your partner has to say. “Set aside 15 minutes a day and take turns talking free flow about anything, like how your day was,” says Burchell. While one is talking, the other’s job is to listen without interrupting or giving feedback. Equally important is remembering not to lose sight of non-verbal communication as well—as the saying goes: Actions speak louder than words. Being intimate is a not a luxury but a necessity, whether it’s a hug, kiss or something more intense.
And speaking of actions, a random act of kindness is always a good thing. You don’t have to wait for a special occasion to be extra nice—create one today. If your spouse likes having his car professionally washed, take care of it unexpectedly. Burchell says “Do not get so distracted that you forget the nice things you used to do.” And take advantage of technology. Burchell adds, “A healthy exercise is to text your spouse a sweet little note every day because it does not take two seconds of time and can mean so much if done in a spontaneous way.”
But taking care of your marriage isn’t always about your significant other—looking out for yourself should be on your priority list as well. “Over time we accumulate hurts and they become quite toxic in a relationship if you do not take care of yourself,” says Burchell. Treat yourself to some TLC that makes you feel more like your own person rather than a wife or a mom. A great pedi and a sleek haircut can go a long way.
And no matter what, stay in the zone—the romantic zone, that is. One thing that moves people out of that coveted “butterflies in your stomach” feeling is when they believe they know everything about the other; that there is no mystery left in the relationship. “Staying in love is about getting reconnected,” says Burchell. Do not be afraid to ask questions and even to discover new things together.
In the end, just focus on what matters. According to Burchell, “We can get distracted so easily so you should get in the habit of making time to talk face to face without distractors.” Remember that the greatest asset to your marriage is being a team. She also adds, “Couples who have recognition, appreciation and acknowledgment of being in a relationship tend to do better.”
Stephanie Burchell, Ph.D., L.M.F.T can be reached at 214/534-6177 or lifecoursecounseling.com
