In the time it takes me to pound out this column, I can embarrass my 13-year-old daughter 10 different ways. In the time it took to type that last sentence, I could send her diving to the floorboard of the car to hide from any would-be passerby. When it comes to embarrassing my little girl, I’m Muhammad Ali … the greatest of all time.
Here’s a quick review of last week:
It’s Sunday, and we’re going up to the tennis courts for a little dad-daughter time. It’s a seemingly safe zone, since no one is typically at the high-school courts on a Sunday morning. Unfortunately for her, there were cars on the road en route to the courts. Yeah, I like rap music. What of it? And, yeah, I like to play it loud enough to make the windows of the SUV vibrate. Yeah, neither is deemed acceptable by the young lady in my passenger seat.
Fast forward to Monday afternoon. It’s a work holiday so I’m off, and the family unit decides to head out for a casual lunch. My wardrobe on an off day puts the “c” in casual. Nike sweats, Nike T-shirt, Nike hoodie, Nike shoes and black Nike cap. No, I’m not a paid endorser. But I do like to be comfortable, and this wardrobe is my uniform away from the office. So why is my daughter keeping her distance at the restaurant? “You look like Eminem, Dad.” Figuring that was a compliment, I offered her a fist dap. You might imagine how that went over.
I made it through Tuesday without any issues. Probably because I came home late from work and she was already in bed.
Wednesday was a different story. She had a couple of friends to the house after school, and I made it home just in time to share with them a great, clean joke I heard that morning on The Ticket. “Dad, you’re not as funny as you think you are.” #Failed.
I figured I had a chance at redemption Friday when I was scheduled to drive her and her friends to the movies. I came up with some relevant questions after doing a bit of iPhone research – by Googling “What teens are talking about,” you get tons of interesting information. So I engaged them with questions about Justin Bieber, Instragram and even tossed out some fascinating facts about One Direction. I was on a serious roll. These girls would vote me Cool Dad of the Year. Not all of them, however. The one who lives under my roof thought otherwise, and now I’m banned from any taxi service for a month.
Let me be your cautionary tale. Let me be your guide of what not to do. Here are some time-tested actions to avoid whenever in the vicinity of your tween or teen:
Tip 1: Never sing within earshot.
Tip 2: Never dance within the same area code.
Tip 3: Never overly engage their friends.
Tip 4: Never talk about how things were when you were young.
Tip 5: Never dress like your kids’ friends.
Tip 6: Never show baby photos of your kids to their friends.
Tip 7: Never talk with your kids’ teachers if you randomly bump into them at the mall.
Tip 8: Never get so good at Call of Duty that you can kick all of your kids’ friends’ butts. Or Madden. Or Dance Dance Revolution. Especially Dance Dance Revolution.
Tip 9: Never greet a good friend of your kids’ parents with the cool-guy handshake and hug as if you’re in the NBA. You’re not in the NBA and never will be in the NBA.
Tip 10: Never ask your kid for a fist bump, high five or flying back bump. That last one might sound like fun but it never ends well.
Of course, you could ignore all of my sage advice and embarrass the crap out of them whenever possible. Truth be known, that’s what I’ve been doing for years. Shhhh, don’t tell them.
Rudy lives in Flower Mound, works in Fort Worth and plays everywhere in between. He has one wife, one daughter, one son, one published book, one obsession with sports and 20 million observations on marriage and children. Follow him on Twitter: Manifesto10.
