The mark of a man, I always believed, was his ability to change the oil and fix a flat on any car anywhere. Of course, by that measure, my man card likely would have been revoked long ago. Sure, I’ve fixed a few flats – including one death-defying move on I-35 to rescue some damsels in distress – and I’ve at least checked my oil level once or twice in my lifetime. But when it comes to being Mr. Fix-it, I’ll leave those duties to the capable hands of a mechanic from Christian Brothers or Jiffy Lube.
Unfortunately for the family unit, I’m not much more help when it comes to building stuff, installing stuff or connecting stuff. To me, IKEA is a four-letter word. Wait, it is a four-letter word . . . but you get my point. By the way, the inventor of that little freaking wrench and screwdriver should be buried in an avalanche of Swedish meatballs.
If it comes with directions, trouble usually follows. When I watch those do-it-yourself shows on HGTV, I absolutely marvel when everything goes so smoothly and fits so snugly. When I do it myself (no giggling, please), it ends with dog cussing, sweating and even some bloodshed.
A new show on AMC – my favorite channel not named ESPN – recently caught my attention. Dubbed Owner’s Manual, the show follows two regular guys, one who strictly follows the owner’s manual and the other who just wings it as they attempt complicated and dangerous feats. The show isn’t going to win any Emmys, but it did get me thinking about an owner’s manual I could write about stuff I actually do pretty well.
Ordering a meal at a fast-casual restaurant
Directions: If the waiter or waitress fails to bring a writing device or pad of paper, please speak slower and emphasize items such as “light mayonnaise” or “no onion.” When they forget both because they were talking in the back about who’s going out with whom Friday night, be nice but direct when asking for the manager so they can fire their entire millennial wait staff.
Driving in the bobsled chute on 121 and 114
Directions: Be bold when entering, because the on ramp goes about 20 feet before you’re in the middle of the Indy 500. Stay in the middle lane whenever possible. They change the exits so often and they use such tiny signs that you’ve got to be on your toes at all times. The middle lane keeps your options open.
Pranking a neighbor
Directions: If a neighbor wins Yard of the Month in your subdivision, ask a friend at Fast Signs to put together a “Frisco Yard of the Year” sign and place said sign in your front yard. Make sure the sign can be seen from space. Then sit back and watch as your neighbor calls his buddy to complain about my weeds and dead spots.
Driving daughter and friends anywhere
Direction: Keep. Your. Mouth. Shut.
Grooming one’s facial hair
Directions: Don’t grow facial hair. No, not even a soul patch. Especially not a soul patch.
What not to say when you play golf with someone for the first time
Directions: Never start by telling them that you haven’t played in several months. We know you’re nervous about sucking, but that clichéd start to the day should be left unsaid. Also, when you do hit a terrible shot to the right, don’t yell out that you can’t believe you hit that right since you never hit it right. Again, you are pretty average at best at golf, and golf is a really tough game. Last, please never quote Caddyshack. Yeah, I know you’ve memorized every line, but don’t be that guy.
Working the drink dispenser during lunch rush at your favorite local restaurant
Directions: Move quickly and efficiently. Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t be oblivious like the people I constantly get stuck behind at Corner Bakery. Ice. Tea. Sweet & Low packet. Straw. Don’t open the Sweet & Low if it’s busy up there. Do that at your table. We’re all part of a big team. Act like it.
Rudy lives in Flower Mound, works in Fort Worth and plays everywhere in between. He has one wife, one daughter, one son, one published book, one obsession with sports and 20 million observations on marriage and children. Follow him on Twitter: Manifesto10.
Published October 2013
