Lindsey Rattan was a student athlete who attended church and was a member of the National Honor Society. At age 17, she found out she was 28 weeks pregnant. Lindsey’s boyfriend, Tyler, his parents and Lindsey’s parents began to talk about their options, which is how they connected with Buckner Children and Family Services, an adoption agency in Dallas.
Lindsey’s knowledge about adoption at the time was limited. Ironically, she’d written a freshman research paper discussing the pros and cons of when to tell a child he or she is adopted; the paper concluded the child should know from the beginning.
The young couple sought counseling at Buckner, where they made a budget for raising a child and brainstormed the benefits of parenting versus adoption before deciding adoption was the best option for everyone. Around this time, Shelley and Brad Neimer signed up for a seminar at Buckner. They didn’t initially realize the seminar was about open adoption, a type of adoption in which birth parents remain involved in the child’s life in one form or another. “Everything I knew about [open adoption] was from soap operas and Lifetime movies – everything that depicts the birth mother as a baby stealer,” Shelley says. But their open minds allowed them to see that the process is really what you make it, and they dove right in.
After Lindsey and Tyler looked at parent profiles – photo albums, videos, essays from potential adoptive families – they settled on the Neimers. The next day the two couples met and talked about their lives and asked questions. Shelley was excited that Tyler and Lindsey wanted an open relationship.
Once the match was made, the two couples created a post-adoption agreement, which basically means the birth parents want to remain involved in the baby’s life and the adoptive parents agree. They set guidelines for contact within that first year.
Shelley and Brad were at the hospital the day Taylor Lindsey was born; Shelley was in the delivery room. “I felt like it was important for her to be there,” Lindsey says. “She could tell Taylor she was there the day she was born.”
After the placement ceremony two days later, the Neimers asked Lindsey to call when she was ready. She called the very next afternoon, and the open relationship hasn’t skipped a beat since. In fact, when Lindsey attended college at Baylor University, the Neimers, who had since moved from Cedar Hill to Waco, often invited her over for dinner and attended her sporting events. Lindsey is always present at Taylor’s birthday and special birth-family Christmas events; Tyler plays an active role in her life as well.
Ins and Outs of Open Adoption
We’re all familiar with the myths and misconceptions: that the birth family will want to take the child back, that the birth family will be too intrusive, that the child will be confused and that open adoption is like shared parenting. Is any of that true?
Legally, a birth mother in Texas must wait 48 hours before signing paperwork to relinquish her parental rights. Relinquishment is irrevocable when signed through an agency. The same requirement holds for the legal birth father. Things are a little different for unknown, alleged or unlocated birth fathers, though. Those fathers are aided by The Texas Paternity Registry, which allows them to register, acknowledge and assert parentage of a child. Unless a father registers, Texas law states that the father is not entitled to notice of termination or adoption of his child; he has 31 days from the birth of the child to register.
A swing from the sealed adoptions that were made popular in the 1940s and 1950s back to a more open approach to adoption began in the 1970s. According to the U.S. Department of Health’s 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents, 67 percent of private adoptions have pre-adoption agreements of at least a semi-open adoption.
All signs point to open adoption being better for the child. “They are able to understand where they came from and why they look the way they do,” says Vickye Schultz, executive vice president of adoption at the Gladney Center for Adoption in Fort Worth. “Who do they get their brown eyes from or curly hair? They can see pictures and letters from their birth parents or even see them in person, depending on the post-adoption agreement.” This process hopefully lessens identity or abandonment issues later in life.
While there’s no set model for open adoption, says Carol Demuth, foster care/adoption supervisor for Buckner, many of the families united through Buckner get together at least several times a year, such as around the child’s birthday, in the summer and at Christmas. Some relationships are open to the point that they visit each other’s homes, and the birth mother may even baby-sit the child she placed with the family, Schultz says.
Post-adoption agreements are not legally binding in Texas, so what happens if one party isn’t in contact? “Most agencies will try and help to work through whatever issues may have caused a breakdown in communication,” Demuth says.
According to Schultz, communication and commitment are key. “If not handled properly, open adoption can be confusing for a child who sees their birth parents regularly to understand the parent-child relationship,” she says. “There must be proper boundaries in place that everyone agrees to.”
Open Through the Years
Taylor is now 13 and in the 7th grade; she plays volleyball. Lindsey lives in Dallas with her husband Frank Rattan and their 2-year-old daughter Emma. All these years later, is adoption an elephant in the room? “I told Taylor her birth story that very first night [she was home with us],” Shelley says. Taylor has known who Lindsey is from the very beginning; there was never anything shocking. Most of Taylor’s friends know Lindsey too, considering she often comes to Taylor’s school functions and birthday parties.
Taylor calls Lindsey by her name, unless she’s around someone who doesn’t know the story and then she refers to her as her birth mother. Lindsey describes their relationship as that of a niece and an aunt. The families text or call at least once a week. The Neimers were in Lindsey’s wedding; Taylor was also in Tyler’s wedding. This summer the Neimers and Rattans hope to vacation together in Florida. “I think it’s kind of sad that some people don’t know their birth family,” Taylor says. Because of the openness, Taylor says she has never had any questions, but Lindsey says she’s prepared for when that day comes.
“There are so many misconceptions about birth mothers,” Lindsey says. “She’s not going to take the kids away. It’s so good for the children [to have an open adoption]. A lot of people think it’s weird, but it’s helped Taylor to know she has all these people in her family who love her. She has a beautiful life that she may possibly never had had we parented.”
