Life is full of hills and valleys, valleys and hills. Parenting is full of them, too. As parents, we have to be careful not to get stuck in a negative rut of nagging our teens; we will likely regret it.
Sharon Scott, licensed professional counselor in Frisco and author of eight books including the teen guide How to Say No and Keep Your Friends, 2nd Ed., says, “Parents usually nag because their teens are not following rules or doing chores. The parent continues to repeat the requests which turn into nagging, fussing or other criticisms.” Dr. John B. Evans with the Counseling Center of Dallas adds that over-involved parents are often those who tend to nag. “I must sometimes get parents to just let up some, which can help to bring the parent and child together. The nagging causes more behavior problems than it solves.” And, not just behavior problems—experts weighing-in for this article agree that nagging can actually lead to, or at least contribute to, low self-esteem in adolescents.
So, what can we do instead of micromanaging? First, “Set firm boundaries,” says Jaclyn Carrington, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Flower Mound. Carrington believes, “It is better for things to be stated clearly between parents and teens.” Scott agrees, “Enter into a written contract agreement with your child as to specified responsibilities and attach an appropriate privilege to each rule sentence. Word the rule sentence in a positive manner, such as ‘If you ________ then you earn ________.’” Carrington further recommends, “If the teen does not complete the chores, deliver consequences without hesitation and without lecture.” But beware! If the consequences or punishment you select are not logically related to the issue at hand, it will very likely be regretted in time. Evans shares, “Punishment that is related to the crime makes a child upset that he broke the rule. Punishment that is arbitrary, or unrelated to the crime, makes the child angry at the parent for dishing it out, and this comes back on the parent and child with child’s lowered self-esteem and increased disrespect and rebellion during the adolescent years.”
Dr. Anthony Machi, parent of three young adults and the Consulting Psychiatrist at the Lena Pope Home, Inc., Family Matters Counseling, in Fort Worth, encourages that parents ask themselves, “Is it really important that he/she do this? Is it a matter of safety? If so, perhaps the contingency [consequence] needs to be rethought and/or changed for more impact.” Machi also offers that it is imperative “for teens to be able to prioritize for themselves.” He recommends that parents not expend all of their good will on an issue which could be easily let go or which might help an adolescent to learn to handle life’s challenges independently.
To help our teens develop in a healthy manner, Machi says, “Overall, we need to provide an emotionally supportive relationship and good modeling.” Scott adds, “Praise more! Praise causes repeat behavior.” Utilize praise as often as possible when your teen sticks to your contract agreement. Scott continues, “Research says that the average child in America gets only 1 praise a day.” With “…corrections from educators and unkind, negative teasing peers, it’s imperative that parents try to put this into a better balance so that youth are hearing more about what they are doing right than wrong.”
If you are finding yourself caught in the “Valley of Nagging” as a parent of an adolescent, all of these local experts would encourage you to work your way up the hill again to “Mount High Self-Esteem” for the benefit of your child and the relationship you share.
