In this article:
• Why to keep calm in your reactions
• Thinking about the "why," not just "what" they stole
• Consider their age and understanding
• What are your really missing?
“I caught my child stealing. How should I react and correct the issue?” For answers in this Sound Advice column, we reached out to Katie Dunham, a DFWChild Mom Approved Counselor and co-founder at Connect to Thrive in Plano.
Below is expert advice from Katie Dunham, MS, LPC-S, RPT-S:
1. Before You Respond, Regulate Yourself
“When hearing your child has stolen something (or lied, or hit someone, or bit someone, etc.), it’s completely normal to have feelings it. Before addressing it with your child, take a moment to pause, breathe and offer yourself some self-compassion. Pausing to reflect is one of the most underrated parenting strategies—it allows you to respond from a space where you see things more clearly and make more conscious choices. After all, the stealing has already happened, so we’re in no rush here.”
2. Get Curious About the “Why”—Not Just “What”—They Stole
“Instead of focusing on the behavior, get curious about what might be the driving force behind it. If behavior is communication, what could your child be signaling with this action? Behavior is an excellent means of communication; one of the primary ways that children (and teens and adults, too) inform us of their mood, needs, desires, mental states and overall functioning.
In young children, stealing can indicate the need to build a skill or shift their environment. They may simply lack understanding of the separation of “mine” versus “yours,” or stealing could signal a need for more supervision.”
Maybe it’s a signal that your child’s emotional bank account is running low and in need of a deposit.
3. Consider Their Age And Understanding
4 to 5-year-olds: “It’s developmentally normal for children around age 4 to 5 to occasionally steal. When it happens, we want to model appropriate behavior and avoid any harsh punishments. Identify opportunities to teach the concepts of ownership or explore library books that introduce that missing skill.
For elementary aged kids: stealing could indicate lagging executive functioning skills, such as delayed gratification or impulse control.
If a child over age 8 is stealing frequently: Consider play therapy or counseling as a space where they can build those skills and identify any underlying needs.”
4. Ask Yourself, What Are They Really Missing?
“If your child is old enough to understand the concepts of ownership and boundaries, then stealing isn’t likely an insight problem. Without figuring out what fueled the behavior, it is likely to continue or show up as other unpreferred behaviors. Maybe it’s a signal that your child’s emotional bank account is running low and in need of a deposit. When people are feeling short on capital, they start to do weird things for money.
This is also true when it comes to regulation. If you can identify where there may be a leak in “cashflow,” you can then start to focus your efforts on building up resources and reserves. Providing an emotional direct deposit to their bank account is essential—have recurring one-on-one time, and keep it consistent (30-minutes, once a week is ideal).”
RELATED: Are You Speaking Your Child’s Love Language?
The Bottom Line
“And remember: we can’t teach someone to swim while drowning. We must get them out of the water first and then set up swimming lessons. So if you catch your child stealing, allow them—and yourself—to calm down before having a conversation about their behavior or communicating boundaries that may need to be set.”
RELATED: Why Does My Tween Keep Secrets?
Have a parenting question you’d like our experts to answer? Submit yours here (or message us on Instagram @dfwchildmag or email editorial@dfwchild.com) and your question may be answered and published in a future issue of DFWChild magazine.
