“My child has an imaginary friend. Should I be concerned?” For answers in this Sound Advice column, we reached out to Kate Jennings, a DFWChild Mom Approved licensed professional counselor at The Bug and Bee in Benbrook, Texas.
Kate Jennings, LPC-S: If you’re planning to see the new movie IF with your kids, be warned: bring a box of tissues and get ready to ugly cry. IF tells the story of a teenage girl who suddenly can see everyone’s imaginary friends (IFs) and her adventures in working to reunite those IFs with the adults who have long-since forgotten them. A precious story about maintaining childhood innocence while growing up, it is sure to leave every parent crying into their popcorn. The movie has sparked a lot of conversation in the pediatric world and among parents who wonder if an imaginary friend is something to worry about.
My short answer? No, and, in fact, imaginary friends can serve many purposes for children. Let’s name our IF “Sonny.”
Friendship:
IFs can keep kiddos company. No, this doesn’t mean your daughter doesn’t have friends in real life, it just means she has a “friend” who is always there, no matter where she is or what she is doing. New summer camp? Sonny is there. Overnight at Granny’s? Sonny is packing his pillow and pajamas. First day of kindergarten? Sonny is on the monkey bars with her. Like a favorite teddy bear, an imaginary friend can be a comfort item for your child.
Creativity:
Another hot topic in the pediatric world these days centers around screens and anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, my kids spend plenty of time in front of screens, but when I make an effort to limit that exposure, their worlds come alive. They’re playing restaurant or family; they’re building forts and catching rollie pollies. They’re using their imaginations, and they are creating their own fun. They can explore new worlds and new ideas. I’ll take Sonny serving up spaghetti in an imaginary café over the 35th episode of Fancy Nancy any day.
Empowerment and Bravery:
Maybe your child’s imaginary friend can do something that your child can’t do, like go upstairs by herself or ride a bike without training wheels. You can use this to your advantage—try reassuring her, “Do you think you can be brave like Sonny? You won’t be alone—Sonny will be there with you!”
Managing Big Feelings:
“Cognitive distortions” are our mixed-up thoughts—the ways our brains trick us into negative thinking. In kid language, I call these thoughts, “stinkin’ thinkin.’” Challenging these negative thoughts can be tricky even for us adults, so how do we help our kids? Let’s say your son, Wyatt, is worried about throwing up from stage fright in the middle of his upcoming choir performance.
You may try saying something like, “Well, Wyatt, if Sonny feared that same thing, what would you tell him? Is it helpful for Sonny to think that way? Is it a kind way to talk to himself? Will it matter in six months if Sonny gets sick on stage? Are there other possible solutions for Sonny’s tummy hurting besides throwing up in front of everyone?” Projecting Wyatt’s fears onto Sonny helps to lighten Wyatt’s emotional load, and it is usually easier to talk about tough stuff when it isn’t happening to us.
If you think your child’s imaginary friend is becoming problematic—preventing him from making new friends, keeping him from doing things he loves, the IF is “being mean,” or maybe leading to teasing by peers—you can always check in with your pediatrician or therapist for more help. But overall, remember—Sonny won’t stick around forever, and if he helps Wyatt get through that choir performance, more power to him.
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Top image: iStock
