I’ve always been fascinated by adults who have good relationships with their siblings. Did their parents do something special? Are they just compatible in a way my brother and I never were? Sibling rivalry worried me so much that when my husband and I decided to have kids, we planned to have three. That way if two of them didn’t get along, they would have at least one other option.
One night at bedtime, I was reading to my second daughter as she leaned into my pregnant belly. The baby kicked in response. Alice cut my belly a side eye, and then promptly jabbed it with an elbow. My heart sank. It’s beginning and she’s not here yet!
Sibling Rivalry Starts Early
“Sibling rivalry can begin before the younger sibling is even born,” says Sara Loftin, clinical therapist at Children’s Health in Dallas. Older siblings can “start to see those resources and that affection diminish. They think there’s just a set amount and that they need to claim whatever they can, even if they don’t consciously understand that.”
Especially at the toddler stage, the ego reigns supreme. Everything that comes between them and what they want is expendable—siblings included. But, Loftin says, even though it can be troubling to parents, it’s a natural response. “We definitely don’t need to pathologize the jealousy that all children have. It’s normal for them to feel jealous when there’s a new baby.”
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Another way this anxiety can come out is with behavior regressions in sleep, thumb sucking, tantrums, or potty training even if they don’t have any other outward signs of jealousy toward the new addition. Smaller kids may become clingier. Older kids may act out at school or start overachieving to get more attention. Regressions can be extremely frustrating for parents, who might feel they did all this work and now it’s undone.
The important thing to know is that they aren’t doing it on purpose, says Loftin. “I always say that behind every behavior is a need or feeling that needs to be expressed. And so what are they trying to communicate through this behavior?”
What Makes Kids Compete?
When I asked Loftin if it was family structure or personality that caused sibling rivalry, she laughed and said, “Yes.” The amount of jealousy or competitiveness siblings feel toward one another can vary depending on whether the children are close in age, the same gender, whether the parents were competitive themselves, how rules are enforced in the home, and many other factors. “If the family tends toward individualism instead of valuing community, then family members, including children, can be more competitive, which of course we know leads to sibling rivalry,” Loftin says.
Research shows that boys as a whole are more competitive, and families with all girls or all boys are more competitive than families with a mix. Children spaced closer than four years apart may fight more. Some kids just get along better because they share personality traits or interests. It’s safe to say there are just as many reasons for any sibling set to shun each other as to like each other. So how can parents influence their relationship for good?
Getting Off to a Good Start
It all starts with communication and being understanding of the behavioral changes in your children that come with an addition to the family, says Anastasia Taylor, a Mom-Approved licensed clinical social worker and founder and CEO at EmpathyHQ in North Richland Hills. “If we think about the fact that we as adults have all of this nervousness [with a new baby], kids are feeling that and much more, and they don’t have the words to be able to express that or the rational ability to work through or talk through those things.”
She says nailing down a routine before the baby arrives that includes one-on-one time with the big brother or sister-to-be can help them feel secure. This can be a special time together that you plan, or just making sure to swap nights doing bedtime with your partner regularly.
Getting Excited About Their New Role as Sibling
Talking about the new baby, the changes that will happen, what they can expect and how life will change can help ease the transition—and feelings of competitiveness. Explain they have a new role and what it might look like to a big brother or sister. Find little ways they can get involved in preparing for the upcoming changes.
Angie Bouley Nichols, a Mid-Cities mom of two, involved her older son in calling friends and family to give them the big news. “I let him call everyone and tell them he was going to be a big brother. He opened every single present at the baby shower and oohed and aahed over every little pink thing that came out. We read books to the baby in my belly and kept reading to her after she came like it was his big-brother job.”
Plano mom Angela Alloju gave her son extra space to meet his new sibling. “When I got home from the hospital, we also made sure that no one was holding the baby (he was asleep in his carrier) when our son first approached him and met him. We were told it’s better if you’re not holding the baby … so there’s no immediate sense of envy or threat to the older child’s existing bonds.” Letting the sibling hold the baby can also help them bond, says Loftin. “Baby actually releases pheromones that promote love and connection to whoever is holding the baby.”
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Merlyn Romero, a North Dallas mom, says she involved her daughter in the experience as much as she could. “I bought her fake babies. Introduced her to baby cousins. Talked to her constantly about her being a big sister. Showed her videos of babies, took her to a few appointments to hear the baby’s heartbeat. She was ecstatic to see her sister come home.”
This bonding time before the baby comes can be crucial in laying a good foundation. “The most important thing is to foster an individual and positive relationship with each child. A lot of parenting books discuss research saying that children who have positive relationships with their parents have more positive relationships with each other and that your relationship with your child will act as a guide for them in all of their future relationships, including their siblings,” says Loftin.
Fostering the Connection Between Toddler & Baby
As kids grow older, parents can help reduce rivalry by being less involved in squabbles and tattling. “Teach your children negotiation skills like sharing, trading, sweetening the deal and problem-solving. If a child is telling on the other one, see what is behind that and reflect on their experience, but don’t take sides. If there is a child who perceives that they’ve won or lost, that will only drive sibling rivalry,” says Loftin. “A lot of times they’ll even come up with a solution that we as parents haven’t even considered.” (Yep, yelling, “Work it out!” from the other room is a therapist-approved strategy for bringing your kids closer.)
Explaining There’s Plenty of Love
As parents, our love only multiplies with each new addition to the family, but how many of us, upon learning we were expecting a second child, couldn’t comprehend how we would ever love another child as much as our first? Loftin has a great exercise to illustrate this to even small children. Light a candle and explain that this represents the love you have for your child. Then light another candle from that one to show how that love can grow and double, but that first flame still shines just as bright.
Give Them Grace
Finally, give your family some grace through the adjustment, says Taylor. The adjustment from one child to two can be just as hard as zero to one as we figure out how to prioritize two things that we could never choose between. The night I brought my second baby home from the hospital, my oldest walked into the house and threw up in the entry hall as the newborn wailed. I looked at them both and started crying, “I can’t do this!”
That’s a natural response, says Taylor. “Sometimes we place these unrealistic expectations that we’re going to instantly know both of our children’s every want and need. And we’re balancing that older kiddo, and we have our hormones out of whack and we may be exhausted and not sleeping or eating our best. At the end of the day, it’s just having some grace and just trying different approaches to see what you can incorporate into your life as these things come up.”
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Images: iStock
