As a dad and husband who deeply cares about others in the same category and wants desperately to be the voice of reason, I present to you the Seven Deadly Sins …
1. Thou SHALT no longer carry your wife’s purse and/or the diaper bag. Seriously, this is an epidemic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for chivalry. But carrying your lady’s purse is a bridge too far. I don’t care if the clothing store’s dressing room says “No Purses Allowed.” You shouldn’t be there in the first place. But even if you do happen to be standing there, don’t take the Gucci. Just the other day, I found myself loitering outside some random dressing room while my wife tried on some new jeans or somesuch. I noticed another guy in the same predicament and with the same aimless look on his face. After several uncomfortable minutes of looking at coat hangers, sequined belts, etc., I glanced at him and noticed he was carrying his honey’s purse. Now, he was carrying it like a sure-handed running back, but it still counts. I couldn’t let it pass. “Dude, what the heck happened?” was my simple question. “I have no clue,” he said without missing a beat. “She handed it to me and disappeared into the dressing room before I had a chance to think about it.” All I could do was shake my head.
As for the diaper bag … I understand that you’re trying to be a good Dad. Nothing wrong with that. But if you must carry the diaper bag, make sure you at least buy something that could double as a backpack or duffle bag, preferably in basic black with a Nike Swoosh or the Under Armour mark on the side. Unfortunately, I see dads carrying Barbie-esque pink-and-yellow diaper bags every week. Have some self-respect, fellas.
2. Thou SHALT quit driving your kids to school. Seriously, figure out another plan. I realize you might have grown up navigating the superhighways of southern California. So what?!? This is an elementary school carpool lane, buddy, and you just don’t have what it takes to survive. Just last week, my wife and her friends were overheard belly laughing about some moron who stopped in the carpool lane, got out of the car, opened the door for his kiddos and hugged them goodbye. Touching story, but entirely unacceptable. Carpool lanes are to be treated like a landing zone in ’Nam. You’ve got just seconds to get the kids on the ground before enemy fire engulfs your vehicle. You barely have time to stop the car, let alone give out hugs.
3. Thou SHALT never attempt to moderate a debate between Mom and Daughter. You could be a trial lawyer with an undefeated record or a CEO in charge of hundreds of employees and a billion-dollar enterprise and my advice would be the same. Just say no. You can listen, but don’t give your opinion. There is no upside here. Go in to the garage and act like you’re busy.
4. Thou SHALT never again wear a sports jersey even if your team is playing in a championship game that night. Jerseys are now for your kids. There are way too many beer-bellied Tony Romo jerseys in this town. And while you might think wearing your softball league jersey out to Chili’s is OK, it’s really not. If it’s got a number on the back, hand it to the nearest 10-year-old. By the way, the “funny” guy who always picks No. 69 on the company softball team still isn’t funny.
5. Thou SHALT never tell your friends or co-workers that you have to “babysit” the kids tonight. That little message will undoubtedly get back to your wife and then you’ll be in more hot water than Bernie Madoff at his next shareholders’ meeting. You might work 170 hours a week to keep the lights on in your castle on the hill, but when you’re home with the kids, you’re a dad.
6. Thou SHALT never wear your BlueTooth into a restaurant. Listen, man, headquarters isn’t going to burn down if you’re not connected to the office 24-7. As the recent economic downturn teaches us, everyone is replaceable, so chill out and leave the cool earpiece in the SUV. Same goes for BlackBerrys or iPhones. If you’re with the family, give them some undivided attention. You can confirm the e-mail confirming tomorrow’s synergy meeting after the kids go to bed.
7. Thou SHALT stay away from giving your child’s youth coach advice unless he or she is on fire and needs assistance putting it out. Parents who volunteer their time to coach youth teams deserve our admiration and support, not our bickering and second-guessing. If your little All-Star isn’t getting enough playing time, grab a clipboard and start your own squad.
And for good measure, one bonus sin. This is directed at every man — married, single or otherwise: Thou SHALT never ask a woman her due date. Unless it’s your wife or someone who has sent you an invite to her baby shower — can I ask you what the point of this particular question is? Are you really going to talk about what to expect when expecting? Again, no upside. Talk about the weather, economy, nuclear proliferation or the Cowboys’ playoff woes instead — but whatever you do, don’t do the due date.
