When Courtney Guhl Huckabay’s son was born during the pandemic, she and her husband couldn’t attend open houses at child care centers. “It was a little uncomfortable for my husband and I to actually have our child go to be cared for, when we couldn’t actually visit and see inside of a child care center, so we did choose to have family members for the first year watch our little boy,” she says.
Huckabay’s mom and stepmother-in-law took turns caring for her son, and it was great, she says. But as a DFWChild Mom-Approved licensed play therapist, Huckabay, founder and owner of Terra Therapies in Fort Worth, knew socialization was important for her child. So as things started opening up, she and her husband explained to both grandmas that they wanted to shift to more traditional child care three days a week.
Huckabay was able to navigate using family as child care, but is it right for you? Before making the decision, it’s important to weigh the pros and cons, understand potential challenges and know how to handle any conflict that may arise.
6 Benefits of Nanny Grandma
For Huckabay, the major benefit of using family as a caregiver was keeping her child safe during the pandemic. But choosing a relative to provide your child care, even if it’s just for the first year or two, comes with so many other benefits, including:
1. Potential cost savings
Let’s be frank: Raising a child is expensive and one of the biggest costs, especially in the early years, is child care. In fact, according to a 2024 policy brief from the LBJ School of Public Affairs at the University of Texas, the average annual cost for infant care in Texas is over $9,000, which can pose a significant financial burden for many families. That’s why Sam Walker, licensed professional counselor with Let’sTalk! Counseling in Carrollton, believes the financial benefit is a primary factor that most parents consider when using Grandma for child care. Most of the time she’ll offer to keep your little one for free or at minimal cost (providing food or gas expenses, for example).
2. Built-in trust
When going back to work and leaving your child for the first time, it’s completely normal to feel anxiety. But when Grandma or Auntie is your child’s caregiver, “there’s so much inherent trust there, which I think, for new parents, is so pivotal—especially in squelching any of that anxiety that may be coming up,” says Dr. Ahou Vaziri Line, a DFWChild Mom-Approved licensed professional counselor, registered play therapist and co-founder of Thread Counseling in Dallas.
3. Shared culture
Another benefit, Line says, is the shared family values and traditions your child will be exposed to. “I’m Persian, and my mom is Persian, obviously, and that ability to share that culture with my child was so beneficial for me,” she says. When you opt for a more traditional child care setting, your child may not have access to those cultural touch points—like certain foods, special rituals or even language.
4. Less anxiety for the child
Maybe you’ve taken a break from work for the first year of your child’s life. Or perhaps it’s your second child and you and your partner have been home with both children for the entirety of your parental leaves. Bringing your kiddos to a new environment with unfamiliar people can cause some separation anxiety. However, your little one already has an established relationship and comfortability with Grandma, which can help lessen that separation anxiety and your own feelings of guilt.
5. Benefits for your child
Large aspects of our personality are dependent on early attachments throughout infancy and early childhood (i.e. attachment theory), according to Walker. In simple terms, attachment theory is based on the premise that when a child has a dependable and attentive caregiver, they feel a sense of security to explore the world. This can lead to the child having greater self-esteem, more independence and successful relationships as they grow older. “Those close bonds with family members and those really good core memories and experiences really do benefit children throughout their lifespan,” Walker adds.
6. Benefits for older relatives
It’s not just your nuclear family that will benefit from having a relative care for your child. Family members benefit too. In addition to the strong relationship with your child, “they experience joy, and they can have purpose and meaning—especially if they’re at retirement age … that can really revitalize their life based on the opportunities to interact with grandchildren or nieces and nephews,” Walker says.
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4 Potential Drawbacks of Using Family for Child Care
1. Differences in parenting styles
As parents, you and your partner are deciding together how you want to raise your child, what values are important to you and your non-negotiables. And that may differ from how you were raised—especially with updates to child rearing best practices and changes in safety, health and well-being advice since you were a child. If Grandma or Auntie think they know how to do it better and don’t follow your preferences, that can be a big challenge, Huckabay says.
2. A potential lack of formal training
When you opt for a traditional child care setting, those providers have special training. They’re usually up-to-date with best practices and early childhood education, and are certified in CPR and first aid. But when you have a family member caring for your child, they might not be updated on modern child rearing, like safe sleeping practices for infants.
3. Having uncomfortable conversations
The biggest benefit of choosing a child care center? The relationship is transactional, so you may feel more comfortable sharing feedback more freely. “I think the dual relationship in the family member setting is what causes a lot of issues, because it’s, you’re my mom but also my child care, or you’re my sister but also my child care, so it makes those communication moments so much more difficult,” Line says.
4. A lack of socialization for your child
Likely the most obvious drawback is the lack of peer-to-peer interaction, especially as your little one starts to become more social. In a child care setting, your child will learn what’s expected of them, have clearer boundaries and see what their role is in their community instead of just their family, Walker says. There are, of course, things you can do to solve this when you opt for a family caregiver, like having Grandma take your kiddo to an early childhood music class or play group.
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5 Questions to Ask Yourself
It’s a blessing to have a family member who is willing to care for your child. But before jumping at the opportunity, think through the following when deciding whether to go with a relative or a more traditional child care option like daycare.
1. What are your needs?
Think about your schedule: Will you need full- or part-time care? Monday to Friday from 8am to 6pm, or just a few hours three days a week? And will your family be able to accommodate that? When thinking through this, be really honest about what those needs are because your family member deserves to know. You may not know exactly until you’re in it, but be transparent if you need an extra hour after work to decompress or if you only planned 30 minutes for your commute but it’s actually going to take 1½ hours with traffic.
2. Who will be your go-to for babysitting duties?
If Grandma or Aunt is going to provide full-time child care, consider leaning on another person for date nights, dinners with friends or me-time. “If you’re leaning on [one] family member for all of it, it may feel like a lot for them and kind of build up some resentment on their end,” Line says.
3. What are your current family dynamics?
Setting boundaries and having crystal clear communication with your family member is critical to a successful dual relationship like this because “whatever family dynamics existed prior to this caregiving relationship, it’s almost like they’re going to be magnified,” Line says. Think through what your current communication looks like. Do you feel comfortable telling them when you’re feeling frustrated or angry? And it’s not just how you feel. Are they comfortable communicating their needs to you?
4. Are they really able to care for your child?
Grandma may be excited about being your kiddo’s caregiver, but it’s important to consider her cognitive function and physical ability, Walker advises. Is she slowing down or forgetting things? Can she carry your child or get on the floor and play with them?
5. What are your feelings about your own childhood?
While you might not want to think about it, this one is particularly important if your parents are going to watch your little one. Do you have unresolved feelings about how you were raised? Is there unexplored resentment from your childhood? Are there things you’re still mad at your mom about? If you don’t explore them now, these feelings are going to come up when your parents are watching your kiddo and can cause conflict.
Setting Expectations, Managing Conflict
So what can you do to lower the likelihood of potential challenges? “We want to make sure we have really healthy and clear expectations and communication about the expectations of the child care,” Huckabay says. And having these conversations in person from the outset and throughout the relationship can help reduce conflict and mitigate any potential damage to the familial relationship.
Establish Non-negotiables
First, sit down with your partner and determine your non-negotiables like a set schedule, screen time limits, how you want to discipline your child, etc. Then present this to your family member and get verbal confirmation that they’re on board. It may even be helpful to write out a checklist and your child’s routine so it can be referenced as needed.
Use “I” Statements to Avoid Accusations
If and when you do need to have a conversation about boundaries being pushed or expectations not being met, it’s best to lead with empathy. When you start a conversation with an empathetic “I” statement—I know that you’re taking a lot of time out of your day to support us in raising our child, but I noticed… for example—anything you say after that is usually met with more understanding. It doesn’t feel like you’re being accusatory.
Even after three years, Huckabay says she still has to have these conversations from time to time. Now that her son is 3½, he’s able to say what he does during the day, and sometimes he gets more screen time than expected with one grandma. “So we’ll remind her … we really want to keep it to an hour at most, we want him to play outside, we want him to play with puzzles,” she says. “We have these conversations, but they’re I see, I notice, I hope you love being here. He loves you.”
Keep an Open Dialogue
Once you’ve communicated your needs, ask your family member if there’s anything you can do to make this easier for them. That way it’s an open dialogue for both of you to come to an agreement.
It’s also a good idea to have frequent check-ins, perhaps even weekly. Ask how things are going. Ensure your expectations are being met. Reiterate all the good things your family member is doing so not every chat is about what’s going wrong. Be open about your schedule and if you anticipate days that you’ll be home late. Ask if there’s anything they need from you.
Ultimately, if you do choose a family member as a caregiver, it’s important to maintain an individual relationship with them, Walker advises. Make sure you’re treating them as family—go out to lunch with them, connect on the weekends, have them over for dinner. That closeness can help keep the relationship strong even if conflict arises.
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Top illustration: iStock
