DFWChild reader Kevin, of Joshua, Texas, shared his dilemma: “I just took a one-year contract job that took me out of state and I fly back every six to eight weeks, but ever since I left, my oldest and youngest daughters don’t talk to me. My middle child does, but the other two won’t reply to my texts, calls or even emails. I had to take the position because of a situation that was making me miserable, and every day I wonder if I should have just stayed and been miserable and at least I would be talking to all my daughters. Is there a way to explain to a them so they would understand, and should I feel this way?”
For answers in this Sound Advice column, we reached out to DFWChild Mom-Approved Courtney Guhl Huckabay, Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and National Certified Counselor at Terra Therapies.
Courtney Guhl Huckabay: Family dynamics are different for each individual home. Every relationship is unique; however, it’s normal to have a bumpy transition when change arises in the family structure or routine. Parents’ work is one of the unavoidable responsibilities that many families face, and when the work schedule changes, it can affect the entire family system.
Common responses from a child in this particular situation may include creating distance from a parent or sibling, becoming more clingy or needy, or asking lots of questions. Typically, ignoring phone calls and giving a parent the silent treatment is a behavioral response to a feeling of sadness, hurt or disapproval. So what can parents do to respond when the child is adapting to the new routine?
For younger children, their understanding and perception is more concrete. Creating a calendar or schedule for the child to see when the parent is expected to leave and return from work travel can be helpful. Also, creating special routines surrounding your work travel can engage the child in a better transition for time away from mom or dad.
For example, having a special family dinner or spending quality one-on-one time before or after work travel may help. During your trip, scheduling a phone call for your younger child may help him or her feel more secure, since they’ll have a routine time to connect with you.
For older children and adolescents, change can be equally challenging. If your child has a cell phone, you can simply text and continue to offer open communication, even if your child is refusing to connect with you. Though it may take time to warm up to the new routine, knowing that travel does not mean absence can have a huge impact in the long run.
Creating intentional time with your older child is important when you are home. Make time to check in about their week. When you ask about friends and activities, it will show your child that you still care about them and their lives, even when you are away on business.
Talking about your own feelings of being away or missing family time when you travel can also open the conversation with children (of all ages) about how they feel. Open, flowing communication from the parent when a child refuses to communicate can help a child to open up about their feelings and perspective.
Avoid shaming or scolding your child when they refuse to take a phone call or FaceTime; instead, ask open-ended questions and validate their feelings if and when they share them with you.
Creating a connection with your child is the end goal when navigating family changes together. Attempt to find new traditions and routines around work travel to stay connected. Ask your child for input on what he or she needs to feel connected, too. Their ideas may surprise you.
Image: iStock
