A mom in Dallas County asked us at DFWChild, “How do I enforce boundaries with my parents when it comes to my kids? I set rules for my children, but their grandparents don’t follow them.”
For answers in this Sound Advice column, we reached out to Mom-Approved Therapist Emily Oakes, LPC at Center for Counseling & Family Relationships in Fort Worth.
Emily Oakes: Boundaries are defined by our values and what is important to us. Boundaries actually facilitate, not limit, relationships with those that we care about.
Expression of boundaries should be done with confidence and clarity. To best communicate a boundary often requires planning and reflection, and empathy is a valuable tool during this stage. Although boundaries define a limit for us, they can also help us notice where we might need to be more flexible than firm to honor a relationship.
In this case, parents are concerned that a boundary they have established for their children is not being honored by the grandparents. Assuming that the boundary was communicated with empathy and respect, it appears that the lack of respect for the parents’ request has caused enough of a rupture for the parents that it is time for it to be addressed. This can be tricky for parents, so first, they should think about their goal—is it that the rule be followed at all costs? Could enforcing the boundary cause an even bigger rupture to occur, harming not only their relationship with the parents, but also the children’s long-term relationship with their grandparents?
A next step might be to jot down how grandparents not following this rule might impact the children in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. If the impact isn’t much to worry about, parents might decide that this is a place where it would be appropriate to be more flexible and accept that sometimes their children will be fed cheese-puffs instead of fresh fruit or stay up later than their normal bedtime. It may mean that they need to offer an alternative or even that they need to accept that when their children are with their grandparents, the grandparents are in charge of the rules.
If the impact is larger, parents need to decide how to follow through on setting a boundary and if it may be worth the risk of a long-term rupture.
Finally, they should consider how to communicate their boundary. It may look something like this: “Mom and Dad, we know the kids are important to you and how much you love spending time with them and we value that. We have asked you to follow through with some things when you have the kids, but it seems like it has been hard to follow. What is most important to you when you are with the kids? Maybe what we are asking isn’t aligning with that and we can do to help us both feel successful. If we cannot align our boundaries and goals, we need to find a way to move forward to keep things from becoming confusing for the kids, so they know what to expect from each of us.”
Each of these steps should bring clarity as you make decisions with the best interest of your child and the hope for your relationship with your parents in mind.
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